Facebook Status 15

Status: Wow I'm the luckiest woman in the world! The greatest man in the world just proposed to me! I'm soooo happy can't wait to be Mrs. Smith.
Comment: congrats!!!
Comment: what
Comment: I would say congrats but I would be lying to ya...ur really gonna marry that piece of shit when he's left ya to be with another girl & also left ya when u were pregnant!!! If ur dad was still around he would whip that douchebags ass...what are u thinking!?!?!?!?!

Status: You know what I love most about collage girls?
Comment: you can fit so many on the same page?

Status: im fresh like a baby's first breath
Comment: Actually, I've been doing quite a bit of study on the topic as my daughter will be born soon. For the several months prior to the babies first breath, he or she has been swallowing the amniotic fluid and then urinates it back into the womb, and swallowing it again and again as the baby develops. I'm sure you feel great but I hope you don't feel like a babies first breath.

Status: The box says "With a donut in each hand, ANYTHING is possible!" I want to know what exactly I'm going to accomplish by Kung-Fu gripping two pastries?
Comment: You'd finally kick your masturbation addiction.

Status: Today I sent out a text saying, "Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?" 12 people called me...I need smarter friends.
Comment: Did u ever find it?
Comment: You need a life
Comment: I would comment on this but I lost my facebook.

Status: School starts tomorrow. I wonder what new types of Axe Body Spray came out this summer.

Status: If homosexuality is a disease, let's all call in gay to work. "Hello. Can't work today, still gay."
Comment: wonder if Obama care will cover it?

Facebook is like fridges, you know there's nothing inside but you check it out every five minutes.

Status: So, I had 978 Facebook friends last night. I put that I was in a relationship and now I have 936 Facebook friends...

Status: thank you everyone for the birthday wishes I thought no one remembered but my mom my own li brother forgot
Comment: I DIDN'T forget, its only the day after moms birthday every year...the reason I didn't call you was because I was pissed off you asked to borrow money from mom when she had a $600 light bill and THEN didn't even pay her back when you said you would. So I had to give her money to help her when she needed it and here you are asking to borrow money. Not only THAT i had to see YOUR dog put down and then dig a grave for it all in the same week. So yea happy bday. we know its all about you.

Sister to Brother: iF ShE sTilL wRitES LiKE ThiS sHe iS tOo yOunG FOr YoU BrO

Status: Jesus can walk on water. Humans are 70% water. I can walk on humans. Therefore, I am 70% Jesus.
Comment: ice is 100% water and i can walk on ice so therefore im 100% Jesus

Status: I lost my phone...
Comment: It says that was written on facebook mobile...Are you ON the phone? Have you checked your hands?

Status: Well, today has sucked so far. Due to a flat tire, and several events caused by said flat tire, I just now got to school. But still, if it hasn't been for Neil Wilson stopping to help out a complete stranger, this bad situation might have been worse.
Comment: Fuck yeah! Neil Wilson's my dawg man!
Comment: Sure it's the same one? This was an older white guy. He is from (insert city here), though.
Comment: I was kidding.
Comment: Neil is the shit! He saved that cat from the tree that was on fire!
Comment: Neil also did my taxes!
Comment: Saved my crops from locusts.
Comment: Neil helped me save 15% on my insurance.
Comment: Neil, landed that plane on the Hudson river.
Comment: Neil Wilson doesn't always drive a car...but when he does he stops to help out complete strangers.

Status: Time to go fourwheeling and get supper muddy!!!
Comment: But if you get supper muddy, then no-one will want to eat it.
Comment: eat what? i'm not feeding anybody

Facebook Status 14

Status: Gym, Laundry...and if I ever add tanning to that, I give you the go ahead to staple my balls to my forehead.
Comment: That is exactly what I would do if you added tanning.
Comment: Mom, we have an unspoken rule that when I talk about my genital on the internet, you don't comment.
Comment: I changed your diapers, I can say anything I want.

Status: Felt like a narcoleptic all afternoon. I think I'll have to start just taking a short nap after classes instead of trying to fight it.
Comment: umm???? Narcoleptic??? What is that?
Comment: Someone who doesn't eat cheese.
Comment: but then that doesn't make sense with what he said. He said he was going to take naps after school. So wouldn't that mean he feels sleep deprived?? I'm so confused.
Comment: Cheese actually has a stimulating effect that you don't notice until you quit eating it.
Comment: Hence, he feels like he hasn't been eating enough cheese.
Comment: I GET IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is so cool. I didn't know that! Guess I learn something new almost everyday. :-)

Status: On lunch...so don't wanna go back. Wah. Why do I have to be a grown up!
Comment: Cuz only grown ups get to wear big girl panties...and we all know what happens when you wear those.
Comment: What about those of us that don't wear panties...Can we go home early?
Comment: If I wear granny panties can I retire?
Comment: Hmmm...if I wear boy shorts, do I get paid more for the same work?

Status: The power grid next to Norton exploded and power was down all over campus. I was sure that the cyborg assassins had decided to come after me, but they were nowhere to be found.
Comment: better watch for dark corners lol
Comment: You see, I was really a cyborg assassin sent from the future to kill all humans, but then I learned your ways and decided I would stay here. When my comrades appeared last night, I tricked them into believing that humans operated under one supreme being and by killing that person, all other humans would die. Long story short, you're safe, but I wouldn't want be Justin Bieber right now...
Comment: That was one of the most epic responses ever.

Status: ALERT - Tomorrow, Facebook will change its privacy settings to allow zombies to come into your house while you sleep and stick their fingers up your nose and eat your brains. To stop this from happening, go to Account>Home Invasion Settings>Cannibalism>Brains, and unclick the "Tasty" box. Please repost. Good luck.

Facebook Status 13

Status: There are things in this world no book and no amount of teaching can teach you. you just got to learn them on your own.
Comment: Like how to adjust when your pee stream goes to the side rather than straight, which is where you were aiming, and now the toilet paper roll is soaked; and you're at someone else's house, so you have to pull at the pee-soaked paper off the roll and put it in this tiny little trash can; and it's obvious because of the bunch of TP in the little can that something HORRIBLY went wrong while you were in there.
Comment: no, not like that at all.
Comment: wtf
Comment: I am laughing tears out right now! XD

Status: If there ever comes a day when we can't be together keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever - Winnie the Pooh
Comment: Omg I love winnie the pooh he is my most favorite disney character I'm gunna get a tatty of him soon.
Comment: don't do that. Statistically most people with recognizable cartoon character tattoos live in trailer parks, are overweight, and publicly abuse their kids in the local walmart. Just google "winnie the pooh tattoos" or "tweety bird tattoos" and see what pops up. You don't want to be lumped in with those people. You're better than that. I can tell, because you can read.
Comment: On second thought, you did say "tatty"
Comment: Ok...What's wrong with winnie the pooh tatty
Comment: Everything
Comment: I love winnie...He is my fav...
Comment: Yeah, never mind. I think that tattoo would be perfect for you, actually. Just make sure you wear a faded grey Looney Toons shirt when you take your mullet-sporting kids to the Trailer Park's annual back yard wrestling tournament!

Status: Ghandi, as you probably know, walked barefoot most of the time...therefore leading to the gnarly calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, making him rather frail which probably caused his bad breath. This, in result, led him to be super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis. Ha!
Comment: I heard Mary Poppins moved to LA to research the cosmetic properties of underwater plant life when grown in little skin pods on someone's feet while studying the types of natural minerals on may find in a can of Campbells Chicken Noodle Parmesan...They now call her Soup-ore California lipstick expert algae-toe cysts. I win, because that was original.

Status: has caught a cold hoping its not ammonia blah
Comment: ?
Comment: ammonia where fluid builds up in your lung makes it even worse too breath
Comment: i think u mean pneumonia; not ammonia which is a compound of nitrogen and hydrogen

Status: My mom's my newest friend on Facebook. Sorry everyone. No more status' regarding my proclivity for whiskey and whores.
Comment: Just use code...That is what I do.
Comment: You can restrict her from seeing your friends' posts-that's what I did.
Comment: I like Red's idea of code. I mean, you used it in your status. Like how you used "whiskey" instead of "penis" and "whores" instead of "penis"

Facebook Status 12

Status: Fresh new start!!
Comment: Yes! what a great way to start off your monday!
Comment: Do you mean by cheating on your boyfriend?
Comment: I am not going into this now especially on FB! It has been over for months, whatever you can blame for what I did, but I was actin out on something I have been frustrated with for months!
Comment: You could have ended it with me, you didn't have to get fingered by a guy at some random party, its bull shit whatever im over it. and im over you. god luck with your life.
Comment: That's not true
Comment: yea it is dude, ive heard about it from like 4000 people!!
Comment: nah, it was with my friend Alex and it was in the drive thru at steak n shake not "some random party." Check your facts

Status: at home laying in bed. and i have a big headache and im now 2 weeks pregnant
Comment: really? congratulations!!!
Comment: no way!
Comment: when and how did you find out!
Comment: well i went to the states for like 2 1/2 weeks and the last day before i left the states me and ma fiance decided to have a baby. so i letted him cum in me and here i am 2 weeks pregnant (went to ma doctor and i got a pregnancy test done last week, and they told me dat i was a weeks pregs and now its been a week after i went to the doc)
Comment: ...wow...um, a BIT too much info hum! but OK...congrats

Status: To the woman with the 6 screaming brats all under the age of 8 at Walmart, if you're wondering how that box of Trojans got in your cart, your welcome!

Facebook Status 11

Status: What's the real issue regarding cheating? Is it that you've shared an intimate moment with someone other than your partner, or is it that when you hide that information from them? Where does the worse sin lie, in the betrayal or the deception...
Comment: Well without the betrayal there would be no deception
Comment: but what if the other never finds out because the deception is done so well, and the partner never feels betrayed...thus making the deception a redeeming quality. admittedly in a distorted way, but still...
Comment: Yea, but look at this toaster, it cooks eggs as well!

Status: On a BoltBus with an asshole driver. But at least I have pot cookies!

Comment: I'm so glad you're advertising that on the internet...

Comment: Huh? Yes apparently too much for 2 cookies. I'm gone enough to quote the bible. and I've never even read the bible. The girl in front of the bus has been on Facebook so long stalking people I waited until she was on her own profile and then wrote her name down, went on Facebook and friended her. Its dark in here you can't see faces but she looked around because in the "message" I wrote "doesn't this boltbus suck?" kinda amazing. she's been talking to the girl next to her trying to find me...I'm directly behind her.

Comment: that is hysterical!! You are such a freak and that makes for good entertainment

Comment: ...Wait, didn't you go to Catholic high school for 4 years? How did you make it out without reading the bible? Wasn't there a class on it or something?

Status: Wants a girl in a cake for my birthday next week!

Comment: Barbie cakes are the best!!

Comment: The bigger the girl, the bigger the cake

Comment: I dare you to ask your mom...

Comment: Would you settle for me jumping out of a cardboard box wearing a homemade loin-cloth with fireworks (bought from a gas station) taped to my nipples with duct-tape...And I would be really drunk even though no one else has even started drinking yet and then I would jump through the front window of your house babbling something about Jews and puking all over your front lawn (and myself) before the cops show up and I pick a fight with them and they beat me up with battons and tazers and then they drop me off in a ditch near Sandoff?

Status: decided on my next tat

Comment: ??

Comment: A rose. Not for cliche reasons though. Its my middle name and I've always wanted it.

Comment: What is your middle name???

Status: my boyfriend slapped a retard today! LOL

Comment: all domestic violence should be reported. you shouldn't let him hit you again.

Facebook Statuses 10

Status: Dude, I heard they're opening a new, evil version of Wal-mart called Volde-mart.
Comment: They have darkmark-downs everyday on hundreds of your favorite items!

Status: I wonder if Jesus got boners?
Comment: I dunno, but I know he got nailed.

Status: I was wondering, do deaf people masturbate using only one hand so they can moan with the other????

Status: If Abortion is murder, doesn't that make masturbation genocide? Do BJ's turn into cannibalism?

Status: Vincent Van Gogh. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you."
Comment: Lance Armstrong. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great bicyclist, you only have one testical." And you know what he said? "Suck my ball."
Comment: Ray Charles. Everyone said to him, "You can't be a great piano player, you're blind." And you know what he said? "I don't see your point."
Comment: Helen Keller. Everyone said to her, "You can't be a great writer, you're deaf, dumb, and blind. "Ad you know what she said? nothing.

Status: 2 pistons tickets for tomorrow section 102 row j...can't go anymore its my dads birthday message if u want them
Comment: Why would u get ticks knowing its your pops bday?? Asshole.
Comment: cuz i was gonna take him but hes in the hospital asshole

Status: hey mitch, thanks for dumping me on my birthday asshole.
Comment: he dumped me on christmas. what a fag...
Comment: Thanksgiving for me.

White -> Red: After plunging the toilet i thought the blockage had cleared. I then flushed the toilet again. There is now poo water and more pieces of poo on the bathroom floor
Comment: classic
Red: People I bump into on the street are offering condolences about our 'poo problem.' Thanks for putting this on fb. Thanks.

White->Red: wel i guess we wan2 get there n set up before it gets hot. So mayb 9-9:30/ N coz we wan2 c where we wan2 stay. N i guess we wil go to Invy first coz i think its the first place out of that, venus n warratah. O n bring ur lunches n snacks so we can hav it on the beach
Red->White: please stop typing like a retarded squirrel

Facebook Statuses 9

Status: I was playing Farmville when immigration showed up and took all my workers!!!

Status: Yes Jesus was the first zombie...but you don't see him eating people.
Comment: Baby, I'm pregnant, it's 8 months old, I'm sorry I'm posting this here but you are not answering any of my calls

Status: So my dog the other day stole a pillow off my couch and humped it while ripping it to shreds so I threw it away. Does this mean I'm an accomplice to a kidnap/rape/murder? Cuz I'm not going to jail over this.

Status: double-headed dildo ass to ass fuck image
Comment: OMG I'm so sorry everyone! Thought that was the google toolbar lol...anyone know how to delte a status update??!??
Comment: go to your profile and click on delete!
Comment: I CANNOT SEE IT...oh my goodness i am so sorry everyone. i am ashamed of what the internet has done to me...maybe this will be a wake up call

Status: Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&Ms in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab the other M&M, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of M&M gladiators. I do this until I run out of M&Ms, and when there is only one M&M left standing, I send a letter to M&M's brand with the champion in it with a note that attached that reads: "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

Status: Bacon is bacon, eggs are eggs. Never let a boy between your legs. They'll say you're cute, they'll say you're fine and 9 months later they say "It ain't mine"
Comment: Are you pregnant? hahahaha
Comment: Wrong is wrong, right is right. Never do a girl, you met that night. She'll say she's clean, no need for wraps. Few days later, you've got her crabs.

Status: Post this as your status if you know someone who was eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, most can also breathe fire (or something equally formidable). Ninety-three percent of people won't post this, because they've already been eaten by dragons, 6% of people are siting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers; and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
Comment: Deawthing vs. Trogdor, who woudl win?
Comment: I don't know, I'm too busy being a part of the 6% sitting in my shower with my fire extinguisher the only reason I'm part of the 1% who posted this is because I have a smartphone too just in case the zombies come. because smartphones are important during the apocalypse.
Comment: Speaking of the apocalypse, it is coming...all over the world massive fish kills and bird kills in the 10's of thousands are happening. Very odd. Actually even very close to you in the Chesapeake there was one recently.
Comment: We are actually, and I'm serious about this one, in the midst of a bomb scare at the very building(s) I work in, the bombs didn't go off in my building per say tho
Comment: hmm. well that sucks. congrats on not getting blown up!

Facebook Statuses 8 (Special Christmas Edition)

Status: Dear Santa, It is really ironic that you should judge who's naughty and nice. I mean your the one with the sweatshop with children slaves working for you all year long, not to mention all those kids that you put in your lap every year! And on top of all that, over a million "breaking and entering" felonies every Christmas eve! I'm not gonna bother mentioning your drunk ass in the street chasing after women screaming "Hoe, hoe, hoe." So putting things into perspective, I've been a Saint compared to you, please leave me a million dollars and I won't report you.

Status: I find Santa Baby misleading. Last I checked there weren't women beating down doors for fat, married men who work one day a year.

Status: Dear Santa, I am writing to ask you take back the black fluffy bunny you bought me last year, that was not the type of rabbit I asked for!!!
Comment: MUM!!!!

Status: Merry Xmas everyone! Don't forget to leave cookies for jesus.

Status: Santa came!!
Comment: did he get it in your hair??

Status: Went to Barnes & Noble to buy Anton LeVey's book "The Satanic Bible" (just for knowledge's sake, I swear), and when I couldn't locate it, the employee that helped me was named Jesus. Merry Christmas!

Status: Dear kids, there is no Santa. Those presents are from your parents love, Wikileaks.

Status: I hate wrapping things that are not square
Comment: you should reconsider, cause we don't want any little edwins running around

Status: I dare you to replace "Santa Clause" with "Jesus Christ" in the song "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town." The song then becomes even creepier.

Facebook Statuses 7

Status: Above the influence: Talk to your cats about catnip today.

Status: What do you think PETA's reaction would be if you sent them a box of animal crackers with the heads bitten off?

Status: Just got an e-mail from Jeffery Ben from Zimbabwe stating I am in his dieing father's will, he is sending me 3.8 million dollars. All I have to do is send him my bank account and social security number. Life is Good.
Comment: Good deal! WHO WOULDN'T do that?
Comment: I went ahead and put my two weeks in at work, I'm planning a vacation around the world. Just can't believe I was in a guy's will I don't even know. Pretty amazing.
Comment: lucky you dude...you're freaking set!
Comment: I won the UK lottery last week worth 50 million dollars just wanted me to send them the $500 transfer fee. They said my check would be here by now.
Comment: that's nothing - you  should see the emails I have been getting. My penis is going to be SO GIGANTIC.

Status: I run into a friend at the mall and she asks if I found a husband yet. Mark says "my mom has all these kids by all these people thats why she can't find a husband." some of his gifts will be getting returned.

Status: Non-alcoholic beer. It's like going down on your cousin - it tastes the same but its just not right!!!!

Status: Okay, this may sound a little strange, but fuck it. I am having my 25th birthday in less than a month (January 10) and am looking for one thing. I wish to have a chick piss in my mouth and then fuck her. I'm just putting it out their. Unfriend me if you want, I don't care. I've been asking different people for the past 3 months with no luck. Message me if you know someone or just berate me in the comments.

Status: I think I'll staple mistletoe to my ovaries tomorrow night!!!!

Facebook Statuses 6

Status: On my way home I saw an elderly women struggling to get groceries out of her car. So I helped her out. I feel like a good person now.

Comment: That's weird, I robbed some old lady on my way home while some kid was helping her with her groceries

Comment: That's weird, I hit some robber who was robbing some old lady on my way home after I saw some kid helping her with her groceries

Comment: Hey, my mom went grocery shopping, has anybody seen her?

Status: It takes 42 muscles to frown, but only 14 to lift your middle finger and tell them to fuck off.

Status: I want a guy who can take me out, unashamed. Show me off at work. Be all over me without being sexual, because he loves me, and isn't afraid to show it. Take me on dates and tells me he loves me in public. A guy who's main goal in the relationship isn't to fuck me, but make me feel special. One of a kind.

Comment: I want a girl with a mind like a diamond.

Comment: a mind like a diamond? I'm not sure I understand that...explain, please.

Comment: I want a girl who knows what's best.

Comment: I want a girl with shoes that cut and eyes that burn like cigarettes.

Comment: I want a girl with the right allocations, who is fast and thorough and sharp as a tack. She's playing with her jewelry. She's putting up her hair. She's touring the facility, and picking u slack.

Comment: I want a girl with a short skirt and a looooong jacket.

Comment: I want a girl who gets up early.

Comment: I want a girl who stays up late.

Comment: hmm, am I missing something

Comment: I want a girl with uninterrupted prosperity who uses a machete to cut through red tape, with fingernails that shine like justice and a voice that is dark like tinted glass. She is fast and thorough and sharp as a tack. She is touring the facility and picking up slack.

Comment: I want a girl with a short shirt, and a loooooooong, long jacket.

Comment: I want a girl with a smooth liquidation.

Comment: I want a girl with good dividends. At Citibank we will meet accidentally. We'll start to talk when she borrows my pen. She wants a car with a cupholder armrest. She wants a car that will get her there. She's changing her name from Kitty to Karen. She's trading her MG for a white Chrysler LeBaron.

Comment: I want a girl with a short skirt and a LOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNNGGGGGGGG JACKET!

Status: Don't bite the hand that feeds you.

Comment: I agree

Comment: But it's extra food

Status: An all-white Tennessee is a good Tennessee

Comment: Crap. White as in snow. :P

Comment: Good thing you clarified! I was looking at that going..."OH NO!"

Status: just saw a big one up close for the first time and loved it.

Comment: I always had a feeling, son. It's ok. I love your personality, gay or not.

Status: Pissed because my netbook is filled with viruses because someone was lookin at porn on my computer and it wasn't me. Hence the reason why I hate letting people use my shit.
Comment: was it dad?
Comment: yeah

Status: Everyone: stop studying for finals and read Harry Potter. When you read, replace every "wand" with "wang." It will be a much better use of your time. Promise.
Comment: Harry took the wang. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the wang above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on the walls.
Comment: classic

Status: My 2 year old calls my wives bras a "bobbie hose" ain't life grand
Comment: Hey father of the year, she'll be four on Sunday

Facebook Statuses 5

Status: Its only like 3 pm and theres already a prostitute out here working. damn.
Mother: Well you just got out of school right? Come in the house and there won't be one working.
Comment: Mother!

Status: for anyone that doesn't know yet, Joe fingered Ashley on my sofa while me and jack were awake and Ashley makes very loud noises when she doesn't realize it
Sister: Your friends are never coming over again. That's gross.
Comment: hahahahahahah ashley :L
Ashley: DELETE
Ashley: NOW
Joe: my mum just read that once again, you have posted a status inappropriate for my mum. So i have reported it!
Comment: AHAHAHAHAHAHAH XD
Ashley: same
Ashley: how do you do it :L
Sister: And you little mongs left the fucking freezer open. Jeez!
Joe's Mum: Ashley NO!!! delete this please

Bryan: If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope He likes enchiladas, because that's what He's getting. - Jack Handey
Julie: what you mean..."like some people say?" If yo don't KNOW that...you need to read your Bible Bryan! We love you way to much to hear you even make jokes about it...
Nicole: Bryan reads his Bible everyday and has shown more devotion to that book than most of the men I have known in my lifetime. It's just a joke taken from Saturday Night Live. I'm sure God loves enchiladas anyway b/c they bring nourishment and energy to our bodies...help fuel us in order to fulfill the purposes God gives us each day. Of course, I'd imagine there are healthier things we could put in our bodies but better to have something to eat than nothing at all. Humor is an amazing way to reach some people. I'd imagine this just struck him as humorous.
Julie: Sure didn't mean to make a federal case out of it Nikki! We're family...I just think there are millions of people that read these comments on facebook that are NOT your family and do NOT know Bryan like we do! That is why I posted the comment! SEE? FAMILY KNOWS...millions of others don't...Don't shoot the messenger!
Zac: BANG

Status: for anyone who was confused. my sister fucked with my facebook. im still a single straight atheist and most definitely not a bisexual catholic barack obama loving widow. also im definitely not the bestist.
Comment: your're sister is awesome

Status: And on this day was born a child in rural America, bound to bring joy those around the world, with gifts of hard work, determination and sheer will. For on this day was born The Basketball Jesus, Larry Joe Bird.
Comment: It's also your sisters birthday. a day that will live in infamy.
Comment: Well mother, when Karen leads the Celtics to 3 titles in 5 years, she will get a special mention too...;)

Facebook Statuses 4

Status: Please post a picture of your (or someone else's) ass for colon cancer awareness. The goal is to see nothing but asses on Facebook by January 1st. We're not sure how, but somehow this will surely cure colon cancer for good. Repost if you're not an awful, terrible person who hates puppies.

Status: I'm getting tired of these NASA WHACKOS and their "quest" to find alien life, like with the new "bacteria." Don't these people realize that if we were gonna find aliens some day, it would be predicted in THE BIBLE? People need to WAKE UP and realize these "scientists" are just insane idiots wasting our money.
Comment: Cell phones weren't predicted in the bible...

Status: Eugh, my sinuses seem to dislike me :(
Comment: What are sinuses?
Comment: They are small furry creatures that live in your eyebrows, have you not heard of them?
Comment: No? That is disgusting! Are they like eye brow nits? EW
Comment: they eat your tears and perform other meaningful tasks. Mine aren't doing their job right so my head is sore :(
Comment: That's so weird...Are you sure your meant to have them?
Comment: Yep, everyone has them! I'm surprised you haven't heard of them before really :/
Comment: oh i really should pay more attention in biology - but now i do know what they are :D

Status: can't wait till Friday when Katie and Rachel find out if they're going to be aunts or uncles
Comment: Wouldn't they be aunts regardless?
Comment: No, cause you know if my sister has a boy than i'd be an uncle. I've been an aunt twice, i can't wait to be an uncle at least once
Comment: I'm sure it will be another great experience. I hope I can be an aunt or uncle someday
Comment: omg, tell me this was a joke...
Comment: guys i don't get it...?
Comment: Why does my name have to be part of this nonsense?
Comment: If their sister has a boy, does that make her a Dad?

Status: i thought about it and it's gonna be fun waking up at 6 on Saturday!
Father: Almost as much fun as I'm gonna be having waking up at 1:30 AM to come pick your ungrateful, thoughtless, lump-o-mud butt. Driving 4 hours through the Indiana darkness with staples holding my eyelids open is just another reminder that i should have left you on the side of the road as an infant. If Jesus truly loved me, he'd slap wings on your back so I could sleep in on a Saturday for the first time since never.
Comment: I love you too
Father: Of course you do. I am the master of your universe.

Facebook Statuses 3

Status: If you could see my heart, what would you do?
Comment: Take you to the hospital.

Status: I wish I could go my grandmas today
Comment: Why?
Comment: Ya know mom, instead of commenting on my facebook you could just get up off the couch and walk those 5-6 steps to get to my room and ask me.

Status: I wish I could take this day and throw it into the pit of non existence.
Comment: That pit is already full of your hopes and dreams.

Status: wow...called in and called out...how the fuck is that supposed to work...I hate working for these motherfuckers...they have the worst organizational skills of any company I've ever seen...and I've worked for alcoholic construction workers
Comment: I've tried to call you but you wont answer. I just want you to know that I appreciate the kind words you have written. By the way you had a choice to come in to work tonight or not and you decided on your own not to. Good luck with walmart or who ever is unfortunate enough to hire you. Im sure i wont be hearing from you any time soon. You are not man enough to hear what I have to say. Also I am confident in the fact that most the people on here know the type of person you are so why don't you stop pretending to actually be a responsible halfway good worker. And on your next job try not to smoke pot while on the clock. Im sure it will be impossible for you.

Status: Thought of the day: I could never date a girl with an overly large clitoris...It's too much like a little penis, and there is already enough of that in my relationships...
Comment: you saying you have an overly large clitoris?
Comment: No, no he is saying he has a little penis...

Status: may as well just sit back and watch everything fall to pieces
Comment: jenga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Facebook Statuses 2

Status: My nipples are hard and smell like grapes

Status: I will be in town for today, Monday, and Tuesday, so give me a call if you want to hang out or something. Except for right now, I'm still not on Facebook. If you need to get a hold of me call me on my cell. If you don't have my phone number call me and I'll give it to you.

Status: is worried that he appears to have the same ambitions as the 3 year old boy next door.
Comment: you want to be an astronaut and wear your spiderman costume every day?
Comment: to be coddled by a woman's bosom?
Comment: you want a tricycle for Christmas?
Comment: you want to stop having nighttime accidents?
Comment: to escape from my basement???

Status: you believe in Jesus Christ, put this on your wall. DON'T JUST IGNORE IT because the Bible says that if you deny Him, He will deny you in front of his Father at the gates of Heaven. This is a simple test...if you love God, then you won't be ashamed to copy this and put it on your wall. :)
Comment: lol, so if you reject Jesus on facebook you won't get in to heaven? Damn, the Christian church is getting more and more demanding every day
Comment: These things are kinda fads, no? Indeed, it suggests that if you don't put it on, then you won't get into heaven, when if fact you are saved by your faith alone, not by Facebook
Comment: Haaaaaah, tell that to Jesus. Maybe he'll stop throwing his weight around and forcing people to write about him on facebook with threats of burning in hell.

Status: still a little shaken up from seeing a body bag being zipped up from a car accident last night
Comment: omg I hope that person is okay :( ill be sure to pray...
Comment: Well, I hate to say it but when someone is in a body bag the person isn't alive

Status: well today possibly could be the worst day of my life. just saying. i hope this is a blessing in disguise...
Comment: i hope its a blessing in disguise
Comment: i hope its a lemur in disguise. that would be awesome

Status: Really fucking pissed
Comment: What's up?
Comment: Well Michelle might be pregnant and im already paying child support on one and cant afford another
Comment: Situation sounds like it sucks but I have some good news...
Comment: What??
Comment: I just saved a bunch of money on my child support by switching to condoms.

Status: "Cause I'd get a thousand hugs - From ten thousand lighting bugs," that doesn't even make sense. He just ignores 9000 fireflies. Why would he need to include them in that song? And wouldn't that amount of electricity cause some sort of synapse overload?
Comment: If Owl City is one guy, then what the fuck do they do in concerts? Does he sit around next to his macbook and play his hit singles really fucking loud?
Comment: Maybe it takes the force of ten fireflies to equate to one hug, or it's one thousand GROUP hugs of ten.
Comment: Have you ever seen a firefly up close? They're insects, you know, not cute fuzzy orbs of light. Imaging ten thousand flies simultaneously grabbing you.
Comment: And what about the part where the Earth is rotating slowly in that song? The surface of the earth travels at 1600 km/h. Those speeds, relevant to a stationary point, would tear you apart.
Comment: But those speeds are on the equator. He must be very close to the polar caps to rotate "slowly," and then fireflies would freeze to death instantly.
Comment: And then near, the end of the song, he says there's 10 MILLION fireflies, that must mean he's created an organic von Neumann machine that multiplies exponentially.
Comment: Also, a good number of species of fireflies are poisonous. If a large amount were ingested it could sicken you. And if there's 10 million, and they're all vying for physical contact, it could be lethal
Comment: Wow, this music is fucking deep. I've never really looked this far into a song's meaning.

Status: I never knew butterflies could flutter this violently in my tummy.
Comment: The fuck you eat butterflies for?

Facebook Statuses 1

Over the summer, I came across a website called Failbook, which are status updates and comments uploaded by people from Facebook. What makes the sight so fantastic, is that even if there is a chance that the status updates are fake, you know somewhere in this country, somebody has put a similar status update on their Facebook and was never caught.

My personal favorites:

Status: In dark places and dark times your strength and will is tested i failed and IT WILL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN!A i cant change the past or make it better all i know is im better than the person i was no matter what you think!

Comment: I don't really think so

Comment: no matter what ignorant people think i have faith in you. And always remember you only have to make yourself happy. You are and always will be a strong beautiful woman.

Comment: um she fucked my boyfriend. how is that strong and beautiful? thats fucking low and trashy

Status: i was on the kitchen counter using the sweepin brush to masturbate and my dad walked in! OMG and i got such a fright i hopped up off the counter without thinking and impaled myself on the broom! i tore my vaginal sphinkter and im gonna be in the hospital for the next 5 days!

Status: so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out i don't know here name, she went thru my phone and found out text convo where her name was brunette #4

Status: Just found a trash bag full of dildos, strap-ons, empty bottles of lube and vodka, and about 30 empty packs of blunt wraps on the side of the highway 10 feet from a dead deer while doing my Community Service, somebody had a wild night I just hope the deer wasn't involved in it!

Status: I think my bunny is in labor :) yay baby bunnies

Comment: Don't they lay eggs??

Comment: are you serious?

Comment: Like turtles that's what I got told

Comment: ONLY IN MARCH...

Comment: Ohh

Comment: omg! Bunny rabbits have babies out of their bunny vagina are you dumb?

Comment: Fuck no need to be that rude. That's just what I got told by a few people that's why there's Easter eggs

Status: does not want to work today...

Manager: That's funny, because we were just thinking about firing you

Status (Mother): getting ready to go molest my hubby! and hopefully get a good night's sleep, 5:30 is going to come fast

Mother: molested my hubby last night...unfortunately he is working tonight so it looks like it will be awhile for me. Have fun...night

Daughter #1: Why did I add you?!?!?! I can't unsee this!!!

Comment: I have very similar plans here at my house! :D

Daughter #2: Dear Mother - I do not go posting information regarding my sexual escapades for you to see on Facebook. Please have the heart to do the same for your children. Sincerely, Your Daughter

Brother:...and your brother!

Status: OMG i have a modeling interview tomorrow at 4:30. EEEEEEEP! im so excited. Everybody wish me luck. Cuz i get money for it. :) excitement is overpowering my hunger. Going to the movies with Jonathan to see Grown-Ups. Look out Corydon, here comes a model. Oh, and Michael it's over. Your not my type right now. I made a mistake last night.

Michael: good luck with ur thingy majig