Cravings

The average human being has experienced the temptation of a craving at least once in their lifetime, whether it was the tempting idea of snacking on the last piece of cake in the office or when and where the next alcohol beverage will be consumed. A majority of the time, people don't even realize they are craving something since they aren't trying to control the urge. Why would one realize they are craving a piece of chocolate when they weren't on a diet?

During an extremely stressful point in my life, I started smoking and haven't been able to quit since. I've tried numerous ways to quit, the patch, the electronic cigarette, cold turkey; but each method ultimately failed. I would set goals up for myself, such as 'if I don't smoke any cigarettes this week I can purchase a video game for myself' but something would always come up that resulted in me purchasing another pack of Camels.

My amazing fiance has been hounding me to quit for months now, since she's concerned for my health. This past year, I have come down with several nasty colds, bronchitis, and developed a nasty, painful cough that lasted for months. I kept reassuring her that I wanted to quit but it wasn't the best time in my life to do so. I promised that as soon as summer vacation started, I would be done with smoking permanently.

Obviously the school year has ended, which ultimately means that I have to quit smoking. Saturday marked the first day using the patch again. For those not familiar, the patch is an adhesive patch that contains a certain amount of nicotine to help quit smoking. There are three stages to the process which gradually reduce the amount of nicotine needed in your system. Stage 1 is a 21 mg patch, Stage 2 is a 14 mg patch, and Stage 3 is a 7 mg patch. Stage 1 is also the longest stage, with six weeks of wearing the patch, with stages 2 and 3 each having a two week period.

As in prior experiences, I'm having two major problems with the patch. The patch is attached to the skin using an adhesive that I'm apparently allergic too. At the end of each day, I pull of the patch before going to bed to find a rash in the perfect shape of a square. Today is the fourth day of the patch, so you can only imagine how my thighs are looking with square rashes on them. Not only have my legs become not so attractive, but they also itch like there is no tomorrow.

To add insult to injury, while the patch does help control the cravings, it does absolutely nothing for actually breaking the habit of actually lighting a cigarette. Which brings me back to what I was originally discussing: cravings.

There are certain triggers for me that cause the cravings, which then result in me fighting against myself to control the cravings. I have yet to find a successful distraction, especially since I have numerous triggers that can set me off at any moment. My worst trigger would be the morning cigarette, which I usually would have when I first woke up in the morning. I know, what a way to start off my day, but it became habitual. I consider this to be the worse of the triggers, because I am now finding myself waking up in the morning with the craving and it sets the entire day off.

I could easily sleep with the patch on and change it in the morning, however one of the side effects of doing so is vivid nightmares. I went through the last attempt with the patch and quickly realized I would take a good night of sleep over cravings any day of the week. Additionally, without a good night of rest, I easily succumbed to the cravings.

As a result, I'm becoming restless and agitated without something to fill the space of having a cigarette. In the last few days, I have updated all of information and photos on Facebook, bathed Zonks, watched every episode of Hoarders, Master Chef, Bones, and CSI on OnDemand, and have become addicted to Free Cell. I also plan to start to exercise, with the full intention of paying for a gym membership at Rowan this week (if I can my ass off the couch that is). Not sure where to go from there though. Any suggestions?

Hoarders

If I were a hoarder, I would hoard...

1. Books
2. Empty scotch tape rolls
3. Empty toilet paper rolls
4. Wood shavings
5. Spare tires
6. Eraser caps
7. Extra tiny #2 pencils
8. Plastic utensils that have been wrapped in plastic with a napkin.
9. Empty bottles and mason jars
10. Yoda figurines
11. Batteries, especially if they no longer work
12. Rachel's socks
13. Unopened packages of underwear
14. Ice melt
15. Video game magazines and strategy guides
16. Embryos
17. Frozen meatballs
18. Eye glass frames
19. Yankee Candles that have been burned to the bottom of the jar
20. Curtain rods
21. Bike seats
22. Parmesan cheese aka shake cheese
23. Mormon bibles
24. Television remotes
25. Tiny fragments of bar soap that are left over after using bar soap in the shower
26. Broken tongs
27. Staplers
28. Bisquick Pancake Mix
29. Evian spring water
30. Toothbrushes
31. Tourist destination pamphlets and maps
32. Owls
33. Microwaves
34. Lava rocks
35. Ties

Letters

Dear Mark,
Thank you for finally not being cheap and fixing the hot water heater. I have been complaining about this situation for months and you finally decide to fix it without giving anyone a head's up that the job was going to take 36 hours and we would not have any hot water. It would have been nice to have a heads up that our building would be lacking hot water, I would have gladly ventured to Momma Dukes house to take a warm shower. I guess I shouldn't complain too much since I no longer have to clean myself in shifts (wash hair at night, wash body in the morning).

Sincerely,
Somewhat Satisfied Tenant

Dear John,
This isn't so much a thank you letter, more of a Please Clean Your Apartment, It Fucking Stinks note. I'm assuming that you are a hoarder. Why? Exhibit A: the disgusting mess that you call your car that has been sitting in the parking lot since last summer. Your car is filled from floor to ceiling with what can only be described as garbage. I believe there are more empty food containers in your car than any landfill in New Jersey. Since your car looks like three homeless men have made your automobile their new mobile home that doesn't actually travel anywhere, I can only assume that your apartment appears this way.

More importantly, there is Exhibit B: the obnoxious smell that radiates from your apartment into my apartment. I do believe whatever you have going on down there is toxic. I'm pretty confident to say that you may need to start wearing a hazmat suit to enter your apartment.

Please clean up your rat hole. If I can smell your three month old fruit and strange cat odors in my apartment then it's a problem. If you don't clean it up soon, I will have no choice to complain to Mark, and we both know how he feels about you.

Sincerely,
Nauseating Nostrils

Dear Math Department,
It has been fun working with you during the last few years, but the powers that be have decided that my services are no longer needed with the department. I will now be heading to the social studies department to perhaps shape them up. Please do not cry for, I am actually quite excited about this. In fact, I am actually thrilled. The last set of math notes will be sent you within the next two days, and I promise that they will be extremely entertaining.

Sincerely,
Former Math Teacher

Dear Winter,
Please make up your mind. I was under the impression that nasty winters never repeated themselves two years in a row. I enjoyed my snow days last year, but I have not mentally prepared myself for the onslaught of snow this year. In fact, I haven't been able to find a proper snow shovel or a new snow brush this year. If you are going to snow, please don't continuously change your mind. I have finally prepared myself for the snow storm that was supposed to occur on Tuesday, but have recently learned that you will be postponing the snowball fights until Wednesday. Please, make up your mind.

Sincerely,
Anti-Snow Days

Dear Students,
Please understand that this thank you note is actually a Catch-22, which is a term that will probably fly over your tiny little heads. Please start coming to school more often. When all three of you are absent on the same day, I am very productive and extremely bored with myself. I am also tired of writing lesson plans for the day only to have you not show up. While this could be resolved in simply pushing everything back a day, we have the small problem of Gold and Maroon Days. I cannot simply push today's plans to tomorrow since I don't see you as much on Gold Days. Instead, you will probably receive extra homework assignments tomorrow. I would apologize, but you brought this on yourself.

Sincerely,
Teacher

Dear Sasha,
We love that you like to spend time in the bathroom and I think it quite adorable that you want to stick your whole head underneath the faucet to get a drink of water. However, it isn't really nice to poop in the bath tub. I'm not sure where you got the idea that pooping in the tub was a good idea. It just makes your humans pissed off at you. As a result, you have been locked out of the bathroom until further notice.

Sincerely,
Human

Zonks and the MIA Bracelet

During the move last month, I lost my favorite leather bracelet and ever since then, my wrist has not quite been the same. Periodically, it has a sense of emptiness, as if I'm actually missing a part of my arm. It's actually been quite freaky to look down and not see the thin straps of the leather that have been braided together with perfection.

After watching another sick episode of Hoarders about a woman named Vula, who had 23 cats living in her house. The cats pooped everywhere (including the stove) and I think she pooped in the tub, but I'm not completely sure if it was a tub full of poop or dirt. In addition to the 23 cats living in her house, the cleaning crew removed 13 dead cats from the house. 

Thirteen dead cats! That's fucking gross!

After the episode was over, I realized that Zonks was missing in action. Gerald has been extra snuggly since we took him to the vet last week and Zonks has been getting a little jealous, resulting in her hiding under the bed for most of the day. After being traumatized by the dead cats, I went searching for my cat, who was curled up under the bed sleeping on top of an under the bed rubbermaid container. 

I know what you're thinking, how does my cat find it comfortable to sleep on top of a rubbermaid container underneath the bed? It's quite simple. Prior to moving to Mullica Hill, Zonks and Gerald created there own personal hiding space, by tearing the sheet of black cloth from the box spring. Originally, they would climb into the space between the wood of the box spring and the cloth, which was extremely entertaining when the three cats tried to hide from each other. Zonks would hide in her box spring fortress, Gerald would hide under the bed right underneath Zonks, while Sasha hid in a piece of furniture next to the bed. All three cats were safely hid from each other within a 3 foot radius of each other.

I still can't get over the thirteen dead cats. Its making me ramble now about box springs and rubbermaid containers.

Anyway, when I went looking for Zonks I noticed a small, strap of leather underneath the bed. I picked it up and realized that Zonks had found my bracelet. Zonks celebrated by first licking my finger, which was weird, then eating a handful of cat treats.