Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was written in 2009 by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith. The novel is the second mashup on the list, combining Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice with zombie and ninja fiction. Minus the zombies, there are also some major plot adjustments in the story, such as Mr. Bennet being alive and well throughout the entire novel, which significantly detracts from the Bennet sisters from having to immediately find husbands to protect their lifestyle. Each of the Bennet sisters have been trained in martial arts and weapons training to combat the zombies.

The sisters still travel the countryside by carriage to go to fancy balls and visit friends, though in their travels they often encounter zombies. Jane and Elizabeth take pleasure in crushing in the skulls of the undead, though their talents for zombie slaying are often judged by high society. Even though there is a terrifying undead invasion, it is still very unladylike for women to be self-sufficient in destroying the undead. The girls must still find suitable husbands, since they will eventually have to face the fact that their father will not be around forever, causing their home to transfer hands to his cousin, Mr. Collins. At one point, Mrs. Bennet even contemplates having him marry one of her daughters, which apparently was a common practice during this time period.

The novel plays out similar to the original, with the zombie action sporadically tossed in, such as the occasional zombie attack during a ball. Instead of being engrossed in a zombie horror novel, I felt once again engrossed in a Victorian novel with a few zombie attacks thrown in for fun. The zombies don't really change the novel, instead they provide comic relief to get through the overall dreadfulness of Darcy pursuing Elizabeth, the strange flirtation Mr. Collins has with the Bennet sisters, and the numerous engagements the girls attend.

I was extremely disappointed by the writing of the novel, especially after reading Grahame-Smith's Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It becomes very apparent that Grahame-Smith had some heavy limitations with this novel, in attempt to commit as much as the original story to the mashup novel, Grahame-Smith was not able to properly infuse the zombies into the literature. While there many points in the history of Lincoln were there is uncertainty, Pride and Prejudice lacks these moments. 

Though this novel wasn't what I was expecting, I am interested in reading the prequel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls and the sequel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After, since both novels were written by Steve Hockensmith. Additionally, the prequel and sequel are loosely based on the characters and time period of the original novel, without the limitations of having to stick with the original story. I would recommend this book to anyone who is a fan of Pride and Prejudice and a fan of zombies, all others should read this novel without having great expectations.

Facebook Status 14

Status: Gym, Laundry...and if I ever add tanning to that, I give you the go ahead to staple my balls to my forehead.
Comment: That is exactly what I would do if you added tanning.
Comment: Mom, we have an unspoken rule that when I talk about my genital on the internet, you don't comment.
Comment: I changed your diapers, I can say anything I want.

Status: Felt like a narcoleptic all afternoon. I think I'll have to start just taking a short nap after classes instead of trying to fight it.
Comment: umm???? Narcoleptic??? What is that?
Comment: Someone who doesn't eat cheese.
Comment: but then that doesn't make sense with what he said. He said he was going to take naps after school. So wouldn't that mean he feels sleep deprived?? I'm so confused.
Comment: Cheese actually has a stimulating effect that you don't notice until you quit eating it.
Comment: Hence, he feels like he hasn't been eating enough cheese.
Comment: I GET IT NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That is so cool. I didn't know that! Guess I learn something new almost everyday. :-)

Status: On lunch...so don't wanna go back. Wah. Why do I have to be a grown up!
Comment: Cuz only grown ups get to wear big girl panties...and we all know what happens when you wear those.
Comment: What about those of us that don't wear panties...Can we go home early?
Comment: If I wear granny panties can I retire?
Comment: Hmmm...if I wear boy shorts, do I get paid more for the same work?

Status: The power grid next to Norton exploded and power was down all over campus. I was sure that the cyborg assassins had decided to come after me, but they were nowhere to be found.
Comment: better watch for dark corners lol
Comment: You see, I was really a cyborg assassin sent from the future to kill all humans, but then I learned your ways and decided I would stay here. When my comrades appeared last night, I tricked them into believing that humans operated under one supreme being and by killing that person, all other humans would die. Long story short, you're safe, but I wouldn't want be Justin Bieber right now...
Comment: That was one of the most epic responses ever.

Status: ALERT - Tomorrow, Facebook will change its privacy settings to allow zombies to come into your house while you sleep and stick their fingers up your nose and eat your brains. To stop this from happening, go to Account>Home Invasion Settings>Cannibalism>Brains, and unclick the "Tasty" box. Please repost. Good luck.

Facebook Statuses 9

Status: I was playing Farmville when immigration showed up and took all my workers!!!

Status: Yes Jesus was the first zombie...but you don't see him eating people.
Comment: Baby, I'm pregnant, it's 8 months old, I'm sorry I'm posting this here but you are not answering any of my calls

Status: So my dog the other day stole a pillow off my couch and humped it while ripping it to shreds so I threw it away. Does this mean I'm an accomplice to a kidnap/rape/murder? Cuz I'm not going to jail over this.

Status: double-headed dildo ass to ass fuck image
Comment: OMG I'm so sorry everyone! Thought that was the google toolbar lol...anyone know how to delte a status update??!??
Comment: go to your profile and click on delete!
Comment: I CANNOT SEE IT...oh my goodness i am so sorry everyone. i am ashamed of what the internet has done to me...maybe this will be a wake up call

Status: Sometimes, whenever I eat M&Ms, I like to hold two M&Ms in between my fingers and squeeze as hard as I can until one M&M cracks. I eat the cracked one, and the one that didn't crack becomes the champion. Then I grab the other M&M, and force it to compete with the champion in this deadly game of M&M gladiators. I do this until I run out of M&Ms, and when there is only one M&M left standing, I send a letter to M&M's brand with the champion in it with a note that attached that reads: "Please use this M&M for breeding purposes."

Status: Bacon is bacon, eggs are eggs. Never let a boy between your legs. They'll say you're cute, they'll say you're fine and 9 months later they say "It ain't mine"
Comment: Are you pregnant? hahahaha
Comment: Wrong is wrong, right is right. Never do a girl, you met that night. She'll say she's clean, no need for wraps. Few days later, you've got her crabs.

Status: Post this as your status if you know someone who was eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn't know, most can also breathe fire (or something equally formidable). Ninety-three percent of people won't post this, because they've already been eaten by dragons, 6% of people are siting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers; and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
Comment: Deawthing vs. Trogdor, who woudl win?
Comment: I don't know, I'm too busy being a part of the 6% sitting in my shower with my fire extinguisher the only reason I'm part of the 1% who posted this is because I have a smartphone too just in case the zombies come. because smartphones are important during the apocalypse.
Comment: Speaking of the apocalypse, it is coming...all over the world massive fish kills and bird kills in the 10's of thousands are happening. Very odd. Actually even very close to you in the Chesapeake there was one recently.
Comment: We are actually, and I'm serious about this one, in the midst of a bomb scare at the very building(s) I work in, the bombs didn't go off in my building per say tho
Comment: hmm. well that sucks. congrats on not getting blown up!

Zombie Outbreak

Recently, I read World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War, which obviously is a recount of the Zombie Wars. The government would like you to believe that this actually didn't happen, even relying on the writing skills of Mel Brook's son to tell the story and sell it as a work of fiction. I know differently though. In fact,   a cousin of my sister's co-worker's son's college roommate actually fought in the war and has the scars to prove it. Science would have you believe that zombies don't exist because it is scientifically impossible to reanimate a corpse, but how do you explain the number of zombie handbooks and survival guides on the market? I don't know about you, but I want to be fully prepared for future outbreaks against these undead beasts.

In order to be fully prepared for this outbreak the world must be prepared. I cannot be the only person who finds themselves battling reanimated loved ones. Therefore, I have compiled a list of books that you must read to inform yourself of previous zombie battles and what to do in case you find yourself in zombie form.

World War Z: An Oral History of the Zombie War by Max Brooks
"The Crisis" nearly wiped out humanity. Max Brooks has taken it upon himself to document the "first hand" experiences and testimonies of those lucky to survive the zombie war. Brooks interviewed countless people from around the world and compiled a documentary of their stories of zombie attack.

The Zombie Survival Guide: Complete Protection from the Living Dead by Max Brooks
In order to fight zombies you must be prepared. The Zombie Survival Guide outlines virtually every possible zombie-human encounter, drafts detailed plans for defense and attack and outlines past recorded attacks dating from 60,000 BC.

The Zombie Survival Guide: Recorded Attacks by Max Brooks
Just in case you don't like words, Brooks has created a graphic novel to help you survive the drama of the undead. Brooks reveals how other eras and cultures have dealt with (and survived) the ancient viral plague.

The Zombie Combat Manual: A Guide to Fighting the Living Dead by Roger Ma
The Zombie Combat Manual is a comprehensive guide that demonstrates how anyone, from a seasonal fighter to the average citizen, can become an effective warrior in the inevitable battle against the undead. With detailed illustrations and firsthand accounts from zombie combat veterans, this manual provides readers with the information they need to emerge victoriously from a close combat encounter with a walking corpse.

The Official Zombie Handbook - The Ministry of Zombies b Sean T. Page
The Official Zombie Handbook includes full analysis of the latest scientific information on the zombie virus, the living dead creatures and how to destroy the undead. The book provides details on home fortification, foraging for supplies and even surviving a ghoul siege. Page provides detailed case studies and guidelines on how to battle the living dead, with which weapons to use, where to hide out and how to survive in a country dominated by millions of bloodthirsty zombies.

U.S. Army Zombie Combat Skills by the Department of the Army
There isn't much known on this book and to actually find a copy would be like hitting a gold mine. Similiar to the U.S. Army Survival Guide, this book assists soldiers in fighting the undead. Obviously the Zombie Wars occurred or the Department of the Army would not publish a book on army combat skills to use against zombies. That would be a waste of money and resources, which our country doesn't do.

Zombie CSU: The Forensics of the Living Dead by Jonathan Maberry
Employing hard science and solid police work, you will have the skills to investigate zombie crime scenes, collect and analyze evidence of zombie attacks, examine the psychology of the zombie and have the knowledge to develop a profile on the perpetrating zombie. Additionally, you will have the ability to observe medical scientists as they probe defeated zombies for forensic clues.

Zombies: A Field Guide to the Walking Dead by Bob Curran
Zombies explores how some of these beliefs may have arisen and the truths that lay behind them, examining myths from all around the world and from ancient times including Sumerian, Babylonian, Egyptian, and Celtic. Curran traces the evolution of belief in the walking cadaver from its early inception in religious ideology and cataleptics of 18th century Europe.

Photo of the Day: Zombies vs Supermodels

WTF Movies of 2010

In the process of compiling a list of the best and worst movies of 2010, I came across a list of every movie released in theaters in 2010. While scrolling through the list, I came across the following movies that were released this year that made me want to smack my forehead and explain "Are they serious?!" I have not watched any of these movies, though, who would? Most of these movies are so bad, that a plot summary or synopsis is almost impossible to find on the internet.

Instead of the traditional Best and Worst of 2010, I present the First Annual WTF Movies (2010 Edition):

Big Tits Zombie
A medieval Book of the Dead is discovered in the catacombs that run under a small town strip club. When one of the desperate strippers raises an army of the undead, the rest of the strippers must kick some zombie ass to save the world.

The Blonde with Bare Breasts
The Blonde with Bare Breasts is a French film with a plot that is ultra confusing. To try and sum up the synopsis of the movie, there are two brothers whose father enjoys beating the shit out of them. They want to buy their father's river transport ship, which they are already using. Why they didn't just steal the damn ship is beyond me. A random gang of men offers the brothers money for stealing the painting The Blonde with Bare Breasts from a museum. The brothers agree to steal the painting, and steal the paint by locking a distracted female security guard in a closet on the ship that they want to buy from their father. (They already stole a painting, why not steal the boat?)

Cats and Dogs: The Revenge of Kitty Galore
In the age-old battle between cats and dogs, one crazed feline has taken things one step too far. Kitty Galore, formerly an agent for cat spy organization MEOWS, has gone rogue and hatched a diabolical plan to not only bringer he canine enemies to heel, but take down her former kitty comrades and make the world her scratching post. Faced with this unprecedented threat, cats and dogs will be forced to join forces for the first time in history in an unlikely alliance to save themselves.

It's not so much the plot of the movie that makes me want to scream WTF, it's the number of celebrities in the movie. Apparently, Hollywood is going broke and has no choice to make sequels to really bad movies. Cats and Dogs 2 stars Nick Nolte, Bette Midler, Neil Patrick Harris, Sean Hayes, Chris O'Donnell, and Katt Williams.

Death at a Funeral
Death at a Funeral is a 2010 American comedy film directed by Neil LaBute and replaces the humorous English cast with a lackluster list of overrated comedians trying to pull of British comedy. The film is a remake of the 2007 British film, which is just wrong. There should be some type of law that forces writers and directors to wait so many years to remake a film. The movie is about a funeral ceremony that turns into a debacle of exposed family secrets and misplaced bodies. If your even thinking about seeing this movie, skip it. Watch the original version instead.

Free Willy: Escape from Pirate's Cove
Seriously? The last Free Willy movie was released in 1995 and we're expected to believe that the events of this movie occur after the 1995 movie. Free Willy: Escape from Pirate's Cove tells the story of Kirra discovers a baby Orca stranded in the lagoon near her grandfather's rundown seaside amusement park. She embarks on a quest to lead Willy back to his pod. If the plot isn't bad enough, the movie is filled with shitty actors and actresses, who's biggest movie of their careers will be Free Willy: Escape from Pirate's Cove.

The Human Centipede (First Sequence)
I heard about this movie on Preston and Steve when it was released and was ready to vomit in my car on the way to work. The Human Centipede is about a mad scientists who kidnaps and mutilates a trio of tourists in order to create a new "pet." This new pet is a human centipede, created by stitching their mouths to each others' rectums. Basically, Victim #1 gets to eat food and takes a shit into Victim #2's mouth. Victim #2 has no choice but to eat Victim #1's shit, process the shit in their digestive system and then proceed to shit into Victim #3's mouth.

Round Ireland with a Fridge
Unbeknown to many people, there are actually two Tony Hawks in the world: the famous skateboarder and a very bizarre individual who attempted to hitchhike across Ireland with a fridge. In 1997, this guy actually made an attempt to journey around Ireland as he reevaluated his life and career, found romance, made new friends, and discovered that people are perfectly prepared to treat a small white domestic appliance as though it was a fully fledge person with a personality in its own right.

Wog Boy 2: Kings of Mykonos
Wog Boy 2 is the sequel to Wog Boy which was a movie about...I have no fucking clue on this one. I tried to find what the hell this movie was about but the most I could find was that it was the sequel to Wog Boy.


Womb Ghosts
Womb Ghosts takes place in present day Hong Kong. A woman finds herself pregnant but has a miscarriage after visiting a hospital. The nurse at the hospital is having an affair with the woman's husband, and has visions involving a young ghost girl. The pregnant woman's father runs a sorcery business from his home where he uses placenta stolen from the miscarriage to "feed" a young boy ghost, who haunts people and ruins their business.

ZMD: Zombies of Mass Destruction
Another movie that has absolutely no description other than: Life is wonderful for the people in the quiet, island town of Port Gamble...until a zombie virus outbreak!

Seven Zombie Parasites

Strepsipterans
Strepsipteron's are in the insect family, the males are gnat sized flying critters with huge eyes, fine senses, and the lifespan of a few hours. There sole purpose, like all males, is to mate with a female. The female Strepsipteran is a limbless, eyeless, bag-like parasite that lives in the body of another insect, such as a fly, bee, or even a preying mantis, with only her head sticking out of the host's body to breathe. To find herself a mate, the parasite will release her mating pheromones on the wind and force her insect host to wait patiently in an obvious and convenient location, such as the tip of a long leaf or twig. Try to imaging having to stand around for hours while the face on your back flirts with strange, tiny men. Days later, she'll upchuck a bunch of live larvae on the next flower you visit, the perfect place to infect more insects.

Gordian Worm
Once known as "horse hair" worms since they would appear mysteriously in horse troughs, Gordian worms spend their parasitic larval stage within the bodies of insects, especially crickets, but spend their non-parasitic adult stage in water. Crickets aren't known for their swimming ability, but try telling that to a parasitic nematode. When it's time for adulthood, the worm compels its cricket to seek out the nearest body of water and dive right in. The confused cricket usually drowns, while the worm wriggles free to find itself a mate.

Sacculina
The sacculina is a type of barnacle, a crustacean just like its crab hosts. The female begins her life in a microscopic, shrimplike swimming stage, but will discard more than 90% of her body when she locates a crab, reducing down to a blob of raw cells which grow "roots" throughout the host and eventually create a small opening for the male scacculina to enter and mate with her. If the host crab is female, it gets tricked by the parasite into carrying, nurturing, and spreading larval sacculina as if they were its own little crablings. Even if the host crab is male, the sacculina transforms its body and mind function just like a female.

Ribeiroia
While this tapeworm relative doesn't pull any fancy mind control, it does perpetuate itself by transforming its host into a monster. The ribeiroia usually prey on tadpoles and will tamper with the tadpole's development into a frog to create horrific deformities, such as multiple legs and arms at awkward, random angles, making it extremely difficult for them to swim or hop. The only purpose of this extreme transformation is to get the frog caught and eaten by a predatory waterbird for a free flight to the next pond.

Pseudacteon
Though related to the harmless fruit flies breeding in the world's neglected fruit bowls, Pseudacteon flies have a far more sinister appetite. The female lays her eggs in the body of a living ant, and the tiny maggot will eventually more into the ant's head to devour its brain. This won't kill the victim, but will cause the ant's (technically dead) body to wander aimlessly for days, until the ant's head simply drops off from its body. The maggot will the use the severed head as a pupation chamber, transforming into a new fly and finding itself a mate.

Glyptapanteles
There are many species of parasitoid wasp whose larvae develop in the bodies of other insects, particularly caterpillars, and there are many of these which can alter their host's behavior, but Glyptapanteles may be one of the most shocking. Like other parasitoid wasps, the larvae will eventually eat their way out of their caterpillar host to spin cocoons and develop into adults, but in this case, the process does not kill the caterpillar. Instead, the partially eaten host will stand guard over the wasp cocoons, cover them in layers of silk and flail viciously at trespassing insects. When the parasites are finished their metamorphisis and emerge from their cocoons as wasps, the zombie caterpillar finally dies of starvation and exhaustion.

Fish Flukes
For most fish, evading predatory birds is as simple as swimming just beyond the reach of a beak, so just how do so many fish end up on the bellies of pelicans and cranes? A huge portion of the average seabird's diet consists not of normal, healthy fish, but fish under the influence of parasitic worms. Sticklebacks, for example, suffer from the tapeworm Schistocephalus solidus, which grows so large that the host becomes swollen and sluggish. It also changes the host's coloration to be easier to spot, and finally, alters the host's behavior to swim near the surface. The worms feed the fish to the birds, and the birds spread the worms to new lakes and rivers in their droppings.

Aimless Inquisition

Q: How much toilet tissue from the roll should you use each time?
A: As much toilet tissue that you think you should need.

Q: What is behind the green grass door?
A: A very tiny bathroom designed for ants. If the door is closed, then you should not disturb the ant behind the door. They are doing their business.

Q: How many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?
A: Who shingles a dog house with pancakes? If you shingled a dog house with pancakes it would attract birds. Birds enjoy eating pancakes, therefore the birds would eat the pancakes you would use to shingle the house, defeating the purpose of shingling the dog house to begin with.

Q: When drawing names out of a hat, are you supposed to use a baseball cap or a top hat?
A: It depends on the reason as to why you are drawing names from a hat. If you are arranging place settings for a wedding reception then you should use a top hat, but if you are choosing members for a team or game, then you would use a baseball cap.

Q: Does a man-eating shark eat women too?
A: Man-eating sharks only eat men. That is why they are called man-eating sharks. Sharks are sexist creatures and prefer the taste of men to women.

Q: Is James Hennings a snowman?
A: James Hennings was the name of a snowman who was created a very long time ago. He wasn't very popular because he was a snowman and brought no major contributions to society. In fact, he was made by a child who later also made no major contributions to society.

Q: Why is the severity of the itch inversely proportional to the reach?
A: When you have an itch you itch it, however when you can't reach it then it becomes more difficult to itch the scratch, therefore increasing the severity of the itch.

Q: Do ants poop?
A: Ants poop on tiny toilets located behind the green grass door. The only use a small portion of one sheet of paper, since there little ant hands are tiny.

Q: Why do socks always disappear?
A: I guess I should finally confess and apologize for making socks disappear. I enjoy making sock puppets, and when you are not home I like to steal your socks.

Q: What is asdf?
A: Alfredo sauce doesn't float.

Q: Do polar bears drink Coke?
A: Obviously polar bears drink Coke. They do in the advertisements for Coke. Do you think a company would falsely advertise their products?

Q: How do you fry your pants so that you can eat them?
A: First take a skillet or pan and add olive oil to the pan. Set the pan on the stove and turn the burner to medium/high. Allow the oil to become hot and then add the pants. You should make sure you have removed anything from the pockets of the pants first, or the taste of the pants will be tainted by the contents of your pockets.

Q: Would you starve to death if your elbows bend the other way?
A: If your elbows bent the other way then chances are your head would be positioned a different way also. Humans would look a little goofy with their arms and heads facing the other way though, plus it would be difficult to walk in a straight line due to the fact that back of your head would be facing the direction you are working. Chances are, your legs would probably be on the opposite side of your body too.

Q: What would you get if you bred a wookie with a smurf?
A: Actually, wookies and smurfs have bred in recent years, but it depends on which in the relationship is male or female. If the female is a wookie and male a smurf, then the offspring would have blue skin and a tons of facial hair whether they are male or female. On the other hand if the female is a smurf and the male is a wookie, then you will breed a Snookie.

Q: Is it illegal to steal a snowman?
A: It is not illegal to steal a snowman, however it is probably not the wisest choice to make in your life. If you steal a snowman, then you will need a large truck bed to put the snowman into. It would be a lot of work, between lifting the snowman from the ground and into the truck, and chances are you would most likely be caught by someone. It would be much easier to simply destroy the snowman instead of stealing it. An even better idea would be to make your own snowman.

Q: Do spiders fart?
A: Spiders farts are quite stinky. They smell like a combination of old house and raw sausage. It's not a good combination. On a positive note though, spiders do not fart in front of people. Even though they appear to be creepy, they are actually very polite creatures.

Q: If zombies were to attack where is the safest place to hide?
A: The first step in protecting yourself against zombies is to dress like a zombie. Once you have the wardrobe down, start to moan and throw your arms out. As an added bonus, cry for brains. Since zombies are not intelligent, they will believe you are a zombie and will not bother you.

Q: Does a wolf have enough lung capacity to blow down a straw house?
A: Of course wolves have the lung capacity to blow down a straw house. They do a lot of huffing and puffing, but it doesn't take much to blow down a straw house. If the wolf is standing close enough to the straw house, then they could easily blow the house down by exhaling through their nose.