Disappointing since it took so long to compile...
Showing posts with label gay. Show all posts
Showing posts with label gay. Show all posts
Sunday, May 22, 2011
Save the Date
Rachel wouldn't let me use this as our Save the Date for our wedding:
Disappointing since it took so long to compile...
Disappointing since it took so long to compile...
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
He is Risen
Before I even begin, I just want to make it clear that I am in no ways bashing any religions in this entry. I just find church signs and messages so humorous and felt the need to share my thoughts. Around the corner from my childhood home, there is a church that has always gone out of its way to offend as many people as possible. The sign frequently changes, I'm convince they have a wheel in the back of the church to determine who they will offend that week. Recently, the sign has read something different about homosexuality on a weekly basis.
I was struck by a sense of discomfort over the weekend, when I passed it and noticed the sign actually read something non-offensive, "He is Risen". I was actually a little disappointed that I didn't say "God Hates Fags" or "Marriage is between a Man and a Woman." During my ride home, I became engrossed with the number of grammatical errors in this sentence, especially since it's such a common phrase amongst the church-goers.
For starters, there is the punctuation in the sentence. Why is risen capitalized? I kept picturing a random conversation between two friends at a party discussing someone across the hall. (What can I say, I am easily amused).
Tom: Who's that across the room?
John: Oh, him? He is Risen.
Tom: What a funny name.
John: I know. I sometimes like to call him Rising.
The other major problem with this sentence is the incorrect usage of verb tenses. There are only three words in the sentence and two different verb tenses. It's an English teacher's nightmare. When one uses the word "is" in a sentence, it refers to something that is occurring in the present. For example, the sentence "Gerald is sleeping" is in the present tense, since that's exactly what he's doing. "Risen," on the other hand, is in the past tense. A normal person wouldn't use the past tense to talk about something that is occurring in the present, it's just too weird.
In order to correct this grammaticality challenged sentence, one must find some answers first. Did this rising occur within the last few hours or did it happen a few months ago? Are we supposed to worship this Risen person? If so, I would like to know a little more about him before I start my worshiping skills. Perhaps Risen can write an autobiography to tell us about his life story, though I do hope he uses a good editor so future mistakes can be prevented. I'd rather not spend my drive home analyzing a religious phrase, I would much rather listen to the radio or try to eat spaghetti and meatballs with a fork than have to do this again.
I was struck by a sense of discomfort over the weekend, when I passed it and noticed the sign actually read something non-offensive, "He is Risen". I was actually a little disappointed that I didn't say "God Hates Fags" or "Marriage is between a Man and a Woman." During my ride home, I became engrossed with the number of grammatical errors in this sentence, especially since it's such a common phrase amongst the church-goers.
For starters, there is the punctuation in the sentence. Why is risen capitalized? I kept picturing a random conversation between two friends at a party discussing someone across the hall. (What can I say, I am easily amused).
Tom: Who's that across the room?
John: Oh, him? He is Risen.
Tom: What a funny name.
John: I know. I sometimes like to call him Rising.
The other major problem with this sentence is the incorrect usage of verb tenses. There are only three words in the sentence and two different verb tenses. It's an English teacher's nightmare. When one uses the word "is" in a sentence, it refers to something that is occurring in the present. For example, the sentence "Gerald is sleeping" is in the present tense, since that's exactly what he's doing. "Risen," on the other hand, is in the past tense. A normal person wouldn't use the past tense to talk about something that is occurring in the present, it's just too weird.
In order to correct this grammaticality challenged sentence, one must find some answers first. Did this rising occur within the last few hours or did it happen a few months ago? Are we supposed to worship this Risen person? If so, I would like to know a little more about him before I start my worshiping skills. Perhaps Risen can write an autobiography to tell us about his life story, though I do hope he uses a good editor so future mistakes can be prevented. I'd rather not spend my drive home analyzing a religious phrase, I would much rather listen to the radio or try to eat spaghetti and meatballs with a fork than have to do this again.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
The Strange Case of the Disappearing Landlord
Out of curiosity, what the hell does one do when their landlord disappears? Mark Roth has went missing. I kid you not. The man has mysteriously vanished for over a month now, and Rachel and I are at a lost to what the hell happens if he doesn't show back up.
Our rent is due by the end of the month, though we have a five day grace period (which we utilize quite frequently). As long as our rent check is in his hands by the fifth of the month, he's happy. We can either mail him the check or drive by his house and drop it off in his mailbox. Obviously we never mail the check into him, since we wait until the very last moment to pay the rent.
Earlier this month, Rachel dropped went to drop off the rent and found his mailbox packed to the gills with mail. Even though it was odd for his mailbox to be that filled (it's a huge fucking mailbox), she squeezed our check into the box and came home. Since we've lived in the building, I've always noticed that Mark deposits our rent on the eighth or ninth of the month, so I thought it was odd that after a week of having our rent in his possession, the check still hadn't cleared. I kept a diligent eye on my bank account, checking it everyday to see if the rent cleared.
By the middle of the month, I realized that something was fishy. My check was still not deposited, he wasn't returning any of my phone calls about our washer, and when Rachel called about the washer, the phone call went straight to voice mail. During our daily tenant association meetings in the parking lot, the entire building (except for our anti-social neighbor Amy), agreed that Mark was officially missing. Our theories of his disappearance were reaffirmed after speaking to Diane, who tried to call him and couldn't even leave a message because his voice mail was full.
Mark may be a flaky man; (I would even go so far as to call him the skid mark of the human population); but he's a very social man. His voice mail is never full, his phone always rings, and he'll answer my text messages (even if it's days later that he gets back to me). After giving it another two days, Rachel finally had enough last week and went to his house. She found no barking dogs, the garage door still hanging wide open, and nobody answering the door. She did what any responsible, caring, individual would do, she called the police and asked for a wellness check.
After going back and forth with the police for several hours last Tuesday, the police decided that they needed to find someone who had a key to Mark's house rather than bust the door down. Never mind the fact, that the man could be dead in his house and none of his family lives in the area, they had already made the decision to not bust down the door. You have to love the fact that the police are so considerate when dealing with possible life-threatening situations.
Of course, I have several theories as to what happened to Mark...
- Mark skipped town to join the circus. Not just any circus, a gay circus filled with big gay clowns, big gay elephants, big gay lions eating big gay lion tamers, big gay trapeze artists, big gay cats jumping through big gay fiery rings...you get the picture.
- Mark hasn't been paying his taxes and decided to take what he had and leave town.
- Mark went on vacation to Europe where he was attacked by a polar bear disguised as a tiger disguised as a polar bear. He's either laying in a European morgue or in a European hospital bed with no recollection of his name.
- Mark died of natural causes in his house, possibly of an ailment that could have been treated if the police had busted down the door when Rachel called.
- Mark died in his house and his dog has been slowly snacking on his body to keep from starving to death. (ew...)
- Mark's psychotic ex-boyfriend was released from prison and hunted him down. He has a restraining order on the man for beating the shit out of him (which I think happened last summer, but I might be wrong as to when it actually happened).
I think you get the picture as to what may have happened to Mark. The major problem with Mark disappearing (besides the fact that he's missing) is that he is responsible for certain things in our building. For example, a part of our rent covers the water bill, the gas for the hot water heater, and the electricity for the hallways and outside perimeter of the building. Since he's obviously not around to cash our rent, he's not around to pay the above three bills. What happens when we run out of hot water because he didn't pay the gas bill? Hell what happens when we don't have water one morning because he hasn't paid the water bill.
If anyone has any suggestions, I'm all ears because I am clueless about this situation.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Tall Tales
As a teacher, I have often run into a situation where I have to hide a major portion of my life from my students, mainly that I'm gay. Can you picture how a class of adolescents would handle that situation? Exactly. In a perfect world, my sexuality would not be an issue but seeing that I'm living in a country that is still divided on the issue, I don't want to plunge into those murky waters just yet.
LIE: "I'm engaged to a muscular man named Riki who I met at Gamestop."
HOW IT STARTED: For about a month, Rachel and I had been texting and emailing each other before our first date at the Harrison House. Of course, I raved about the beautiful girl I had met and everyone at school (minus the students) knew that we were about to go on our first date. The day after our first date at the beginning of my last class, Matt, the teacher next to me, comes into class to ask me how my first date was. Of course the moment he left I had fifteen sets of eyes and ears on our conversation and every girl in the class wanted to know about my date. Obviously I'm not coming out of the closet to my class, so instead Riki was invented.
LIE: "I have a younger brother who's retarded."
HOW IT STARTED: Every year, I have a group of students who love to use the word "retarded." It doesn't matter how many times I tell them that I absolutely hate the word "retarded" they continue to use it. After warning my students on more than one occasion, I finally had enough and told them that I had a younger brother who is physically handicapped and I find it offensive when people of all ages use the word "retarded" because it's offensive to me. After telling the students about my imaginary younger brother, they miraculously never use the word "retarded" in front of me again.
LIE: "I'm allergic to alcohol."
HOW IT STARTED: Towards the end of college, I realized that my digestive system was having a serious problem with alcohol. It didn't matter how much I drank or what I drank, my stomach turned inside out within an hour of my first drink. After awhile, I got into the habit of telling people that I was allergic to alcohol.
LIE: "I have an ancestor who signed the Declaration of Independence."
HOW IT STARTED: I share the same last name as one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence. When my class read the Declaration of Independence, they noticed that I shared the same last name as one of the signatures. Of course they had to ask if we were related, so I told them yes. I also explained to them that I didn't like to make a big deal about it since my ancestor died a couple hundred years ago and I wanted to make a different name for myself.
LIE: "I'm Jewish."
HOW IT STARTED: Earlier this year, one of my students became obsessed with calling everyone a Nazi, not realizing the implications of this word. On one particular day, he decided to call me a Nazi. Instead of getting angry or offended, I looked at him and told him that I was offended because I was Jewish. He looked at me with curiosity, not understanding why this would offend me. I then went into a very detailed miniature lesson about the Nazis and all the people persecuted. Needless to say, he never called me or anyone else a Nazi.
LIE: "My grandfather liberated a concentration camp."
HOW IT STARTED: During my student teaching, I had a student ask me what the point of learning about the Holocaust was went it happened a century ago. I wanted to chuckle, but realized that this was a "teachable moment." I could have easily stated that my grandfather fought in the war, but his responsibility was pretty lame. Think about, what would be a more interesting story to relate history to kids, that my grandfather rode on a boat during World War II or that he was involved in a liberation? I'm going with the liberation.
LIE: "My brother is a gay construction worker."
HOW IT STARTED: This one originally evolved during practicum, but I recently used it against my students. A group of boys in fifth grade (I kid you not) were going on and on about gay men are disgusting because they put "their pee-pees in other mens poo-poo holes" and "act like girls". I kid you not, that was their exact words. How the hell do fifth graders know these things? I make it a rule NOT to discuss homosexuality with my students, but I did want the conversation to end. I very politely told them that my brother was a very masculine construction worker. They dropped the subject.
LIE: "I'm engaged to a muscular man named Riki who I met at Gamestop."
HOW IT STARTED: For about a month, Rachel and I had been texting and emailing each other before our first date at the Harrison House. Of course, I raved about the beautiful girl I had met and everyone at school (minus the students) knew that we were about to go on our first date. The day after our first date at the beginning of my last class, Matt, the teacher next to me, comes into class to ask me how my first date was. Of course the moment he left I had fifteen sets of eyes and ears on our conversation and every girl in the class wanted to know about my date. Obviously I'm not coming out of the closet to my class, so instead Riki was invented.
LIE: "I have a younger brother who's retarded."
HOW IT STARTED: Every year, I have a group of students who love to use the word "retarded." It doesn't matter how many times I tell them that I absolutely hate the word "retarded" they continue to use it. After warning my students on more than one occasion, I finally had enough and told them that I had a younger brother who is physically handicapped and I find it offensive when people of all ages use the word "retarded" because it's offensive to me. After telling the students about my imaginary younger brother, they miraculously never use the word "retarded" in front of me again.
LIE: "I'm allergic to alcohol."
HOW IT STARTED: Towards the end of college, I realized that my digestive system was having a serious problem with alcohol. It didn't matter how much I drank or what I drank, my stomach turned inside out within an hour of my first drink. After awhile, I got into the habit of telling people that I was allergic to alcohol.
LIE: "I have an ancestor who signed the Declaration of Independence."
HOW IT STARTED: I share the same last name as one of the signers of the Declaration of Independence. When my class read the Declaration of Independence, they noticed that I shared the same last name as one of the signatures. Of course they had to ask if we were related, so I told them yes. I also explained to them that I didn't like to make a big deal about it since my ancestor died a couple hundred years ago and I wanted to make a different name for myself.
LIE: "I'm Jewish."
HOW IT STARTED: Earlier this year, one of my students became obsessed with calling everyone a Nazi, not realizing the implications of this word. On one particular day, he decided to call me a Nazi. Instead of getting angry or offended, I looked at him and told him that I was offended because I was Jewish. He looked at me with curiosity, not understanding why this would offend me. I then went into a very detailed miniature lesson about the Nazis and all the people persecuted. Needless to say, he never called me or anyone else a Nazi.
LIE: "My grandfather liberated a concentration camp."
HOW IT STARTED: During my student teaching, I had a student ask me what the point of learning about the Holocaust was went it happened a century ago. I wanted to chuckle, but realized that this was a "teachable moment." I could have easily stated that my grandfather fought in the war, but his responsibility was pretty lame. Think about, what would be a more interesting story to relate history to kids, that my grandfather rode on a boat during World War II or that he was involved in a liberation? I'm going with the liberation.
LIE: "My brother is a gay construction worker."
HOW IT STARTED: This one originally evolved during practicum, but I recently used it against my students. A group of boys in fifth grade (I kid you not) were going on and on about gay men are disgusting because they put "their pee-pees in other mens poo-poo holes" and "act like girls". I kid you not, that was their exact words. How the hell do fifth graders know these things? I make it a rule NOT to discuss homosexuality with my students, but I did want the conversation to end. I very politely told them that my brother was a very masculine construction worker. They dropped the subject.
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Thursday, December 23, 2010
My Favorite Phobias
Aichmophobia - Fear of needles or pointed objects.
Alektorophobia - Fear of chickens.
Altophobia - Fear of heights.
Apotemnophobia - Fear of people with amputations.
Arachnophobia - Fear of spiders.
Aulophobia - Fear of flutes.
Bibliophobia - Fear of books.
Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns.
Defecaloesiophobia - Fear of painful bowels movements.
Dextrophobia - Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Didaskaleinophobia - Fear of going to school.
Dysmorphophobia - Fear of deformity.
Ecclesiophobia - Fear of church.
Erotophobia - Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.
Eurotophobia - Fear of female genitalia.
Geniophobia - Fear of chins.
Genophobia - Fear of sex.
Genuphobia - Fear of knees.
Gymnophobia - Fear of nudity.
Hedonophobia - Fear of feeling pleasure.
Helminthophobia - Fear of being infested with worms.
Heterophobia - Fear of the opposite sex.
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - Fear of long words.
Homophobia - Fear of homosexuality or of becoming homosexual.
Insectophobia - Fear of insects.
Ithyphallophobia - Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
Kolpophobia - Fear of genitals, particularly female.
Kyphophobia - Fear of stooping.
Leprophobia - Fear of leprosy.
Levophobia - Fear of things to the left side of the body.
Lockiophobia - Fear of childbirth.
Logophobia - Fear of words.
Lutraphobia - Fear of otters.
Medomalacuphobia - Fear of losing an erection.
Medorthophobia - Fear of an erect penis.
Menophobia - Fear of menstruation.
Noctiphobia - Fear of the night.
Nomatophobia - Fear of names.
Novercaphobia - Fear of your step-mother.
Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.
Ommetaphobia - Fear of eyes.
Omphalophobia - Fear of belly buttons.
Ophidiophobia - Fear of snakes.
Paraphobia - Fear of sexual perversion.
Parasitophobia - Fear of parasites.
Parthenophobia - Fear of virgins or young girls.
Pediophobia - Fear of dolls.
Pedophobia - Fear of children.
Peladophobia - Fear of bald people.
Pentheraphobia - Fear of mother-in-law.
Phronemophobia - Fear of thinking.
Porphyrophobia - Fear of the color purple.
Proctophobia - Fear of rectums.
Rhypophobia - Fear of defecation.
Scatophobia - Fear of fecal matter.
Scolionophobia - Fear of school.
Soceraphobia - Fear of parents-in-law.
Syngenesophobia - Fear of relatives.
Teratophobia - Fear of bearing a deformed child.
Trypanophobia - Fear of injections.
Urophobia - Fear of urine or urinating.
Venustraphobia - Fear of beautiful women.
Walloonphobia - Fear of Walloons.
Xenophobia - Fear of strangers or foreigners.
Zemmiphobia - Fear of the great mole rat.
Alektorophobia - Fear of chickens.
Altophobia - Fear of heights.
Apotemnophobia - Fear of people with amputations.
Arachnophobia - Fear of spiders.
Aulophobia - Fear of flutes.
Bibliophobia - Fear of books.
Coulrophobia - Fear of clowns.
Defecaloesiophobia - Fear of painful bowels movements.
Dextrophobia - Fear of objects at the right side of the body.
Didaskaleinophobia - Fear of going to school.
Dysmorphophobia - Fear of deformity.
Ecclesiophobia - Fear of church.
Erotophobia - Fear of sexual love or sexual questions.
Eurotophobia - Fear of female genitalia.
Geniophobia - Fear of chins.
Genophobia - Fear of sex.
Genuphobia - Fear of knees.
Gymnophobia - Fear of nudity.
Hedonophobia - Fear of feeling pleasure.
Helminthophobia - Fear of being infested with worms.
Heterophobia - Fear of the opposite sex.
Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - Fear of long words.
Homophobia - Fear of homosexuality or of becoming homosexual.
Insectophobia - Fear of insects.
Ithyphallophobia - Fear of seeing, thinking about or having an erect penis.
Kolpophobia - Fear of genitals, particularly female.
Kyphophobia - Fear of stooping.
Leprophobia - Fear of leprosy.
Levophobia - Fear of things to the left side of the body.
Lockiophobia - Fear of childbirth.
Logophobia - Fear of words.
Lutraphobia - Fear of otters.
Medomalacuphobia - Fear of losing an erection.
Medorthophobia - Fear of an erect penis.
Menophobia - Fear of menstruation.
Noctiphobia - Fear of the night.
Nomatophobia - Fear of names.
Novercaphobia - Fear of your step-mother.
Octophobia - Fear of the figure 8.
Ommetaphobia - Fear of eyes.
Omphalophobia - Fear of belly buttons.
Ophidiophobia - Fear of snakes.
Paraphobia - Fear of sexual perversion.
Parasitophobia - Fear of parasites.
Parthenophobia - Fear of virgins or young girls.
Pediophobia - Fear of dolls.
Pedophobia - Fear of children.
Peladophobia - Fear of bald people.
Pentheraphobia - Fear of mother-in-law.
Phronemophobia - Fear of thinking.
Porphyrophobia - Fear of the color purple.
Proctophobia - Fear of rectums.
Rhypophobia - Fear of defecation.
Scatophobia - Fear of fecal matter.
Scolionophobia - Fear of school.
Soceraphobia - Fear of parents-in-law.
Syngenesophobia - Fear of relatives.
Teratophobia - Fear of bearing a deformed child.
Trypanophobia - Fear of injections.
Urophobia - Fear of urine or urinating.
Venustraphobia - Fear of beautiful women.
Walloonphobia - Fear of Walloons.
Xenophobia - Fear of strangers or foreigners.
Zemmiphobia - Fear of the great mole rat.
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
The Ideal Wedding According to Me
Rachel and I have been engaged for about two months and are planning on getting married in October 2012. Over the last few weeks, we've been having sporadic conversations about the wedding plans (location, rings, attire, and reception). Obviously we have two years to plan the single greatest wedding to occur in the 21st century, so nothing is etched in stone.
After Rachel and I exchange our vows (which will be completely serious) we smoochy smooch, and the Max Rebo band begins to play the Time Warp. Everyone in attendance, this includes everyone watching the wedding and all those in the wedding, perform the Time Warp before heading to the reception.
Wedding Attire
Since this is a gay wedding, everyone in the wedding (with the exception of Rachel and I) will be wearing rainbow colors and those fancy ascots. Ascots are amazing and should become a part of everyday attire.
Reception
The reception will be the single most amazing party anyone will ever attend. Years from now, people will still be discussing our reception as if it had occurred yesterday. Of course there will be an open bar and dinner will be exquisite. Additionally, there will be rainbow colored flowers as the center piece and everyone will have a gift to take home. The gift will consist of the following items:
Switchblade comb
A pack of #2 rainbow pencils that have been not only personalized with the date of the wedding, but also the name of the attendant
A copy of Death Becomes Her for each household
A copy of Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes by Fotie Photenhauer
The Ideal Wedding According to Me
(obviously since I am the author)
Invitations
First, you would receive the standard Save the Date magnet to stick on your fridge, but you would also receive an invitation similar to a movie trailer. To begin with, there would be fancy music, such as the Star Wars or Jurassic Park Theme, and then scrolling text with periodic photos of Rachel and me looking extremely cheesey (think extremely corny/cheesey engagement photos). The text would read:
Coming to an outside recreation area near you,
the wedding of a lifetime between two women who love each other dearly.
Hell yea...your invited to your first gay wedding...
At this point, the screen would start to flash rainbow colors and Venus symbols flashing across the screen. Then the date and time of the wedding will appear on the screen, along with the RSVP date.
Walking Down the Aisle
Traditionally, a woman walks down the aisle to the ever popular "Da dant ta dant," but I want my wedding to be very untraditional. Instead of some lame da and dants to walk down, I want to walk down the aisle to one of the following:
Idea 1: The Ultimate Warrior Theme complete with me running down the aisle in warrior mode. After running down the aisle like a maniac, I jump on top of a chair, throwing my arms up in the air as if I just won a championship.
Idea 2: The Hulk Hogan Theme complete with me performing all of the weird arm poses Hulk Hogan does on the way to his ring and the infamous spinning of the wrist a few times and cupping my hand to my ear. If I walk down the aisle to the Hulk Hogan Theme, I promise I will wear a feather boa and will tear my shirt off at some point.
Idea 3: The Emperor's March from Star Wars complete with me walking down the aisle in a traditional manner. I will control all of my natural instincts and not pull out a lightsaber during my walk down the aisle, as long as the song is performed live by a group of musicians dressed as the Max Rebo band.Wedding
After Rachel and I exchange our vows (which will be completely serious) we smoochy smooch, and the Max Rebo band begins to play the Time Warp. Everyone in attendance, this includes everyone watching the wedding and all those in the wedding, perform the Time Warp before heading to the reception.
Wedding Attire
Since this is a gay wedding, everyone in the wedding (with the exception of Rachel and I) will be wearing rainbow colors and those fancy ascots. Ascots are amazing and should become a part of everyday attire.
Reception
The reception will be the single most amazing party anyone will ever attend. Years from now, people will still be discussing our reception as if it had occurred yesterday. Of course there will be an open bar and dinner will be exquisite. Additionally, there will be rainbow colored flowers as the center piece and everyone will have a gift to take home. The gift will consist of the following items:
Switchblade comb
A pack of #2 rainbow pencils that have been not only personalized with the date of the wedding, but also the name of the attendant
A copy of Death Becomes Her for each household
A copy of Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes by Fotie Photenhauer
Friday, July 30, 2010
Internet Favorites
Crap at My Parents House
Walking into my grandparents house is like walking into a timewarp into the sixth dimension of strangeness. In the yard alone you will find a Pillsbury refrigerator unit, an old washer, a tire painted red, white, and blue with an American flag, several old ceiling fan/light fixtures, a creepy statue of a boy kissing a dog, another statue of a woman carrying a pole across her back with a bucket on each side, and a hoe (which usually sits in the corner of the yard). I always wondered if my grandparents were the only people with such random objects in their possession, but I have been proven wrong. Similiar to the format of Awkward Family Photos, Crap at My Parents House, allows people to submit photos of random objects found in their parents house.
Failbook
Failbook is a collection of status updates, comments, and postings found on Facebook. Postings range from people commenting on relationship status to foul mouth kids posting inappropriate status updates and forgetting their parents are on there friend list. Some of the posts are realistic, but I'm honestly not quite sure how real any of them are. They may or may not be fake, but they are still enjoyable to read.
Shit My Kids Ruined
When we were growing up, my mom had a shelf above the couch with assorted nicknacks, such as statues of birds and bears. There may have even been some fancy, decorative plates, but I was too young at the time to remember what was exactly on the shelf. While Mom and her friend Vince were talking at the table, I decided to jump on the couch. Mom kept warning me to stop and of course I didn't. In fact, I decided to be even more bold and try to do a pull up using the shelf. Instead of doing a pull up, I successfully pulled the shelf onto the floor, showering the myself with tons of heavy objects. I destroyed everything on the shelf without getting a scratch on myself. Of course, this was in the mid 80's, before Shit My Kids Ruined, a site developed as a way to vent about stuff children have broken. The site includes kids destroying a box of tampons to taking a sharpie marker to the fridge, floor, walls, sofa, little brother/sister, family pet, etc.
Graph Jam
Have you ever wondered what a bar graph would look like for topics such as "Level of Freaking Out After a Scary Movie" or the "Skills I Learned as a Kid"? How about a pie graph on the "Perfect Habitat According to Spiders"? Graph Jam provides just that, along with countless other random topics ranging from video games to gay marriage.
Walking into my grandparents house is like walking into a timewarp into the sixth dimension of strangeness. In the yard alone you will find a Pillsbury refrigerator unit, an old washer, a tire painted red, white, and blue with an American flag, several old ceiling fan/light fixtures, a creepy statue of a boy kissing a dog, another statue of a woman carrying a pole across her back with a bucket on each side, and a hoe (which usually sits in the corner of the yard). I always wondered if my grandparents were the only people with such random objects in their possession, but I have been proven wrong. Similiar to the format of Awkward Family Photos, Crap at My Parents House, allows people to submit photos of random objects found in their parents house.
Failbook
Failbook is a collection of status updates, comments, and postings found on Facebook. Postings range from people commenting on relationship status to foul mouth kids posting inappropriate status updates and forgetting their parents are on there friend list. Some of the posts are realistic, but I'm honestly not quite sure how real any of them are. They may or may not be fake, but they are still enjoyable to read.
Shit My Kids Ruined
When we were growing up, my mom had a shelf above the couch with assorted nicknacks, such as statues of birds and bears. There may have even been some fancy, decorative plates, but I was too young at the time to remember what was exactly on the shelf. While Mom and her friend Vince were talking at the table, I decided to jump on the couch. Mom kept warning me to stop and of course I didn't. In fact, I decided to be even more bold and try to do a pull up using the shelf. Instead of doing a pull up, I successfully pulled the shelf onto the floor, showering the myself with tons of heavy objects. I destroyed everything on the shelf without getting a scratch on myself. Of course, this was in the mid 80's, before Shit My Kids Ruined, a site developed as a way to vent about stuff children have broken. The site includes kids destroying a box of tampons to taking a sharpie marker to the fridge, floor, walls, sofa, little brother/sister, family pet, etc.
 |
| Sample Graph from Graph Jam |
Have you ever wondered what a bar graph would look like for topics such as "Level of Freaking Out After a Scary Movie" or the "Skills I Learned as a Kid"? How about a pie graph on the "Perfect Habitat According to Spiders"? Graph Jam provides just that, along with countless other random topics ranging from video games to gay marriage.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Awkward Conversation
Before I begin my story, there are two things you need to understand about me: I absolutely detest the heat and when I am hungry I shake and become cranky. When you add those two elements together, I become a nightmare to be around. During the summer, I try to avoid being outside and stick to the air conditioned living room to play video games. Please, refrain from being jealous of the exciting and thrilling life I lead during the hot summer days.
Earlier this week, a very sick Rachel talked to Mark about the sink/vanity situation. During the phone call, Mark gave her a hard time about our cats and the way the litter box had been set up. When she got off the phone, she decided that it would be a good idea to shut off the air and open all of the windows. I tried to be a good sport and went along for the ride. After a few hours, I was a miserable mess and she was feeling the aftershock. We finally agreed on leaving the air on in the living room and opening the windows in the back of the apartment to “air” out the cats.
Of course, the apartment quickly became a sauna and by Saturday morning, I was grumpy. While she was still sleeping, I snuck to the back of the apartment and closed all the windows.
By Saturday evening, I quickly realized that the kitchen was lacking in the food department. I basically had three options to eat: cheese sticks, eggs, or a granola bar. I allowed myself to go to long before food and my body got the shakes and my mind went blank, resulting in ULTIMATE GRUMPINESS. Rachel made me some Easy Mac and we decided to make a list for the grocery store.
Rachel is very particular about her grocery lists. I’ve never seen a more organized list. The list always starts with the produce section and works its way around the store. Organized ideas are impossible when your brain is not functioning from the lack of food. In fact, the organized list is extremely scary (I actually did have a nightmare about the list trying to eat me later that night. Not cool.)
After we finally get our list together, we finally get out the door to go to the grocery store. I’m starting to feel better now that I have a little food in me and I’m ready to get this show on the road. We head into Shop Left and make our way through the list. Towards the end of the list is the soda. I have a 12-pack of Diet Cherry Vanilla Pepsi in my hands, but I quickly realize that Coke is on sale for much cheaper (one case of Pepsi was $5 while 5 cases of Coke were $11).
We head into the next aisle when the two of us have a communication breakdown about the soda. Rachel doesn’t want to buy the extra soda since we’re moving next week, while my math brain is realizing that we’re getting 3 cases of soda free. We both saw each other’s point, yet were having a mind melt on the soda issue.
As we’re talking about the soda situation, Mary (the custodian at Shop Left) enters the aisle. She begins to clean up a mess at the other end of the aisle, but quickly stops what she’s doing and approaches us. She doesn’t say a word but just stops a foot in front and just stares at us. Of course this ends our conversation about the soda, because we’re not exactly sure what to say. Has the woman never seen a lesbian couple bicker about soda before?
Frankly, I’ve never seen a lesbian couple bicker about soda before either, but I don’t think I would stop and stare. Honestly, what made it that much more awkward, was the fact that she approached us and stood a foot from us and just stared. It was like she wanted to put her input in the situation, but wasn’t sure what to say.
After paying for our groceries, I told Rachel that I wanted to complain about Gawker Mary to Harvey (my former boss). She heads to the car with the groceries while I ask to speak to Harvey. Of course, with my luck, Harvey had just left for the day so I was stuck talking to Jason, whom I also knew from my days at Stop and Shop.
I explain to Jason what happened and he gives me the puzzled face. I’m sure he didn’t even know how to respond to my complaint. It takes a moment, but he finally responds to my complaint.
Jason: We’re not allowed to ask what’s wrong up here (points finger to his forehead) but she’s a little slow. She’s a very sweet woman, but has a tendency to just stare. We actually have her on camera walking into an aisle and just stopping and staring at a shelf for a half hour.
Me: Oh. I feel a little bit better then.
Jason: She wasn’t staring because you were gay. She seems to just go in a trance.
Me: Well I guess in some weird way I feel a little bit better that she wasn’t staring at us for being gay.
Talk about an awkward conversation.
Earlier this week, a very sick Rachel talked to Mark about the sink/vanity situation. During the phone call, Mark gave her a hard time about our cats and the way the litter box had been set up. When she got off the phone, she decided that it would be a good idea to shut off the air and open all of the windows. I tried to be a good sport and went along for the ride. After a few hours, I was a miserable mess and she was feeling the aftershock. We finally agreed on leaving the air on in the living room and opening the windows in the back of the apartment to “air” out the cats.
Of course, the apartment quickly became a sauna and by Saturday morning, I was grumpy. While she was still sleeping, I snuck to the back of the apartment and closed all the windows.
By Saturday evening, I quickly realized that the kitchen was lacking in the food department. I basically had three options to eat: cheese sticks, eggs, or a granola bar. I allowed myself to go to long before food and my body got the shakes and my mind went blank, resulting in ULTIMATE GRUMPINESS. Rachel made me some Easy Mac and we decided to make a list for the grocery store.
Rachel is very particular about her grocery lists. I’ve never seen a more organized list. The list always starts with the produce section and works its way around the store. Organized ideas are impossible when your brain is not functioning from the lack of food. In fact, the organized list is extremely scary (I actually did have a nightmare about the list trying to eat me later that night. Not cool.)
After we finally get our list together, we finally get out the door to go to the grocery store. I’m starting to feel better now that I have a little food in me and I’m ready to get this show on the road. We head into Shop Left and make our way through the list. Towards the end of the list is the soda. I have a 12-pack of Diet Cherry Vanilla Pepsi in my hands, but I quickly realize that Coke is on sale for much cheaper (one case of Pepsi was $5 while 5 cases of Coke were $11).
We head into the next aisle when the two of us have a communication breakdown about the soda. Rachel doesn’t want to buy the extra soda since we’re moving next week, while my math brain is realizing that we’re getting 3 cases of soda free. We both saw each other’s point, yet were having a mind melt on the soda issue.
As we’re talking about the soda situation, Mary (the custodian at Shop Left) enters the aisle. She begins to clean up a mess at the other end of the aisle, but quickly stops what she’s doing and approaches us. She doesn’t say a word but just stops a foot in front and just stares at us. Of course this ends our conversation about the soda, because we’re not exactly sure what to say. Has the woman never seen a lesbian couple bicker about soda before?
Frankly, I’ve never seen a lesbian couple bicker about soda before either, but I don’t think I would stop and stare. Honestly, what made it that much more awkward, was the fact that she approached us and stood a foot from us and just stared. It was like she wanted to put her input in the situation, but wasn’t sure what to say.
After paying for our groceries, I told Rachel that I wanted to complain about Gawker Mary to Harvey (my former boss). She heads to the car with the groceries while I ask to speak to Harvey. Of course, with my luck, Harvey had just left for the day so I was stuck talking to Jason, whom I also knew from my days at Stop and Shop.
I explain to Jason what happened and he gives me the puzzled face. I’m sure he didn’t even know how to respond to my complaint. It takes a moment, but he finally responds to my complaint.
Jason: We’re not allowed to ask what’s wrong up here (points finger to his forehead) but she’s a little slow. She’s a very sweet woman, but has a tendency to just stare. We actually have her on camera walking into an aisle and just stopping and staring at a shelf for a half hour.
Me: Oh. I feel a little bit better then.
Jason: She wasn’t staring because you were gay. She seems to just go in a trance.
Me: Well I guess in some weird way I feel a little bit better that she wasn’t staring at us for being gay.
Talk about an awkward conversation.
Saturday, July 17, 2010
Internet Favorites
Awkward Family Photos
Have you ever looked through your old photos and thought to yourself: "Wow, that's awkward?" Now, you can share your awkward photos, along with hundreds of other photos that are just plain awkward.
Awkward Family Pet Photos
Apparently the creators of Awkward Family Photos received so many photos of awkward shots of people with their pets, that they decided to create a site specifically for awkward pet photos. Would you believe that people have actually gotten family portraits done and have included their loving pet? Pets are not limited to just dogs and cats, people must find them way too generic. You can find family photos with chickens, horses, monkeys, donkeys, and emus (and the list doesn't stop there).
Eat Liver
How do you even explain what Eat Liver is? Obviously, this is not a site designed to encourage people to eat more liver, though I would love to know how they came up with the name. The site is updated every few days with twelve insane pictures that can be found on the Internet. Pictures vary from photos taken from Awkward Family Photos to advertisements to poorly drawn pictures created on the computer.
I'm Remembering!
About a month ago, Rachel was reading Niki's blog (The Nikiverse) who had written an entry about a blog that allows people to post images or stories about toys, movies, games, books, and food that was popular from the 80s. I'm Remembering is a time warp into my childhood. What I enjoy most about I'm Remembering, is the lack of detailed descriptions about the images posted by people. If you grew up in the 80s, your going to remember David the Gnome or Mr. Wizard's World, though there are usually links to an external site providing information on the subject.
People of Walmart
I'm almost positive that everyone in their lifetime has walked into Walmart and experienced something unique. Not too long ago, I had to make a late night Walmart trip. When I arrived there, I had to make a pit stop at the bathroom, but nothing could have prepared me for the fact that not only was the girl next to me taking a pregnancy test, but that she would announce to all of her friends (from the bathroom stall) that "her stick has a plus on it." Now there is a place to exchange stories and photos of the creatures that frequent Walmart. Be warned though, you may have the desire to stab your eyes out with a spork when your done gawking.
That's My Boss
That's My Boss is another site in which readers can post stories relating to their past and present experiences with their boss. Of course the site has some major flaws, most notably the fact that entries are not edited for spelling and grammar mistakes, making entries difficult to read. Stories range from being fired for being pregnant to drinking on the job with the manager. Additionally, stories also range from "are you serious" to "is that even worth complaining about?" It definitely makes you appreciate your job a little more after experiencing some of these horror stories.
Random Creepy Guy
You just get back from the beach and want to either upload photos/develop photos from your amazing day with your friends/family and notice a creepy guy in the background. The creepy guy usually is posing in the background, squeezing his strange little face into the picture. Now you can share your creepster with the world, with Random Creepy Guy.
PostSecret
Every Sunday PostSecret is updated with secrets sent in by people on postcards. Each week there is usually a theme for the week (i.e. weddings, homosexuality, children, parents, etc). Among the more serious secrets, there are a few random confessions (i.e.: I realized I loved you when you took your socks off).
Gamefaqs
I discovered Gamefaqs when I moved back home for the summer during college. I had just purchased Final Fantasy X, and was stuck in the game. I tried to find something online that would help me figure out how to beat a boss, when I discovered the site. Gamefaqs is everything about gaming and includes games dating back to NES. Gamers write all of the guides, reviews, achievements, and cheats and submit them for posting. Since everything is written by gamers, the guides are pretty in-depth, and even point out situations that others have found difficult in a game. I recently submitted my first guide for Lego Harry Potter, but I'm still waiting for it to be posted.
Have you ever looked through your old photos and thought to yourself: "Wow, that's awkward?" Now, you can share your awkward photos, along with hundreds of other photos that are just plain awkward.
Awkward Family Pet Photos
Apparently the creators of Awkward Family Photos received so many photos of awkward shots of people with their pets, that they decided to create a site specifically for awkward pet photos. Would you believe that people have actually gotten family portraits done and have included their loving pet? Pets are not limited to just dogs and cats, people must find them way too generic. You can find family photos with chickens, horses, monkeys, donkeys, and emus (and the list doesn't stop there).
Eat Liver
How do you even explain what Eat Liver is? Obviously, this is not a site designed to encourage people to eat more liver, though I would love to know how they came up with the name. The site is updated every few days with twelve insane pictures that can be found on the Internet. Pictures vary from photos taken from Awkward Family Photos to advertisements to poorly drawn pictures created on the computer.
I'm Remembering!
About a month ago, Rachel was reading Niki's blog (The Nikiverse) who had written an entry about a blog that allows people to post images or stories about toys, movies, games, books, and food that was popular from the 80s. I'm Remembering is a time warp into my childhood. What I enjoy most about I'm Remembering, is the lack of detailed descriptions about the images posted by people. If you grew up in the 80s, your going to remember David the Gnome or Mr. Wizard's World, though there are usually links to an external site providing information on the subject.
People of Walmart
I'm almost positive that everyone in their lifetime has walked into Walmart and experienced something unique. Not too long ago, I had to make a late night Walmart trip. When I arrived there, I had to make a pit stop at the bathroom, but nothing could have prepared me for the fact that not only was the girl next to me taking a pregnancy test, but that she would announce to all of her friends (from the bathroom stall) that "her stick has a plus on it." Now there is a place to exchange stories and photos of the creatures that frequent Walmart. Be warned though, you may have the desire to stab your eyes out with a spork when your done gawking.
That's My Boss
That's My Boss is another site in which readers can post stories relating to their past and present experiences with their boss. Of course the site has some major flaws, most notably the fact that entries are not edited for spelling and grammar mistakes, making entries difficult to read. Stories range from being fired for being pregnant to drinking on the job with the manager. Additionally, stories also range from "are you serious" to "is that even worth complaining about?" It definitely makes you appreciate your job a little more after experiencing some of these horror stories.
Random Creepy Guy
You just get back from the beach and want to either upload photos/develop photos from your amazing day with your friends/family and notice a creepy guy in the background. The creepy guy usually is posing in the background, squeezing his strange little face into the picture. Now you can share your creepster with the world, with Random Creepy Guy.
PostSecret
Every Sunday PostSecret is updated with secrets sent in by people on postcards. Each week there is usually a theme for the week (i.e. weddings, homosexuality, children, parents, etc). Among the more serious secrets, there are a few random confessions (i.e.: I realized I loved you when you took your socks off).
Gamefaqs
I discovered Gamefaqs when I moved back home for the summer during college. I had just purchased Final Fantasy X, and was stuck in the game. I tried to find something online that would help me figure out how to beat a boss, when I discovered the site. Gamefaqs is everything about gaming and includes games dating back to NES. Gamers write all of the guides, reviews, achievements, and cheats and submit them for posting. Since everything is written by gamers, the guides are pretty in-depth, and even point out situations that others have found difficult in a game. I recently submitted my first guide for Lego Harry Potter, but I'm still waiting for it to be posted.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
How can I get my son's sexuality tested?
To get my mind off today (that entry will come later), I was reading Daniel Tosh's blog, which is mainly a continuation of viral videos he already talked about on Tosh.0, when I came across this:
How can I get my son's sexuality tested?
Gary honestly asked the following question:
I am worried my son might be gay. I want to get him checked. Isn't is possible to get a hormone check? A vocal cord check? Can't a doctor indicate if he is gay or not? My son has almost no muscles and narrow shoulders. He also has blue eyes. He talks in a very high voice and while he sings he sounds like a castrato. He tells me his voice is called tenor. How can I test if my son is gay?
I'll give you a minute to digest the question and/or stop laughing before you continue reading.
How to test if your son is gay:
What type of music does your son enjoy listening to? Does he spend his time listening to Metallica or Lady Gaga? Does he know all of the words to Guys and Dolls? If he can recite any musical by heart, chances are your son is gay.
During a father/son bonding session, try to discuss a movie with your child. During the conversation, be sure to bring up a movie with (insert current hot actress name here) in it. Does your son respond by discussing a feature of the actress or her acting skills? If he's more interested in her acting skills, chances are your son is gay.
Does your son prefer Playboy or Playgirl? If he has a secret stash of Playgirl, chance are your son is gay.
There is nothing wrong with children joining the choir/band/orchestra, but "straight men" don't dance. Has your son expressed interest in joining a dance studio? Does he want to learn ballet or tap dancing? Has he ever wanted to go to a club to dance, rather than flirting with women? If he prefers choreography to bumping and grinding, then chances are your son is gay.
All men born with blue eyes are gay. If he has blue eyes, then chances are your son is gay.
Finally, you could always check is anus. Is it torn and red? Does he enjoy getting enemas a little too much? If he enjoys enemas and has trouble sitting down in wooden chairs, chances are your son is gay.
How can I get my son's sexuality tested?
Gary honestly asked the following question:
I am worried my son might be gay. I want to get him checked. Isn't is possible to get a hormone check? A vocal cord check? Can't a doctor indicate if he is gay or not? My son has almost no muscles and narrow shoulders. He also has blue eyes. He talks in a very high voice and while he sings he sounds like a castrato. He tells me his voice is called tenor. How can I test if my son is gay?
I'll give you a minute to digest the question and/or stop laughing before you continue reading.
How to test if your son is gay:
What type of music does your son enjoy listening to? Does he spend his time listening to Metallica or Lady Gaga? Does he know all of the words to Guys and Dolls? If he can recite any musical by heart, chances are your son is gay.
During a father/son bonding session, try to discuss a movie with your child. During the conversation, be sure to bring up a movie with (insert current hot actress name here) in it. Does your son respond by discussing a feature of the actress or her acting skills? If he's more interested in her acting skills, chances are your son is gay.
Does your son prefer Playboy or Playgirl? If he has a secret stash of Playgirl, chance are your son is gay.
There is nothing wrong with children joining the choir/band/orchestra, but "straight men" don't dance. Has your son expressed interest in joining a dance studio? Does he want to learn ballet or tap dancing? Has he ever wanted to go to a club to dance, rather than flirting with women? If he prefers choreography to bumping and grinding, then chances are your son is gay.
All men born with blue eyes are gay. If he has blue eyes, then chances are your son is gay.
Finally, you could always check is anus. Is it torn and red? Does he enjoy getting enemas a little too much? If he enjoys enemas and has trouble sitting down in wooden chairs, chances are your son is gay.
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