The Ideal Wedding According to Me

Rachel and I have been engaged for about two months and are planning on getting married in October 2012. Over the last few weeks, we've been having sporadic conversations about the wedding plans (location, rings, attire, and reception). Obviously we have two years to plan the single greatest wedding to occur in the 21st century, so nothing is etched in stone.

The Ideal Wedding According to Me

(obviously since I am the author)

Invitations

First, you would receive the standard Save the Date magnet to stick on your fridge, but you would also receive an invitation similar to a movie trailer. To begin with, there would be fancy music, such as the Star Wars or Jurassic Park Theme, and then scrolling text with periodic photos of Rachel and me looking extremely cheesey (think extremely corny/cheesey engagement photos). The text would read:

Coming to an outside recreation area near you,

the wedding of a lifetime between two women who love each other dearly.

Hell yea...your invited to your first gay wedding...

At this point, the screen would start to flash rainbow colors and Venus symbols flashing across the screen. Then the date and time of the wedding will appear on the screen, along with the RSVP date.

Walking Down the Aisle

Traditionally, a woman walks down the aisle to the ever popular "Da dant ta dant," but I want my wedding to be very untraditional. Instead of some lame da and dants to walk down, I want to walk down the aisle to one of the following:

Idea 1: The Ultimate Warrior Theme complete with me running down the aisle in warrior mode. After running down the aisle like a maniac, I jump on top of a chair, throwing my arms up in the air as if I just won a championship.

Idea 2: The Hulk Hogan Theme complete with me performing all of the weird arm poses Hulk Hogan does on the way to his ring and the infamous spinning of the wrist a few times and cupping my hand to my ear. If I walk down the aisle to the Hulk Hogan Theme, I promise I will wear a feather boa and will tear my shirt off at some point.

Idea 3: The Emperor's March from Star Wars complete with me walking down the aisle in a traditional manner. I will control all of my natural instincts and not pull out a lightsaber during my walk down the aisle, as long as the song is performed live by a group of musicians dressed as the Max Rebo band.

Wedding
After Rachel and I exchange our vows (which will be completely serious) we smoochy smooch, and the Max Rebo band begins to play the Time Warp. Everyone in attendance, this includes everyone watching the wedding and all those in the wedding, perform the Time Warp before heading to the reception.

Wedding Attire
Since this is a gay wedding, everyone in the wedding (with the exception of Rachel and I) will be wearing rainbow colors and those fancy ascots. Ascots are amazing and should become a part of everyday attire.

Reception
The reception will be the single most amazing party anyone will ever attend. Years from now, people will still be discussing our reception as if it had occurred yesterday. Of course there will be an open bar and dinner will be exquisite. Additionally, there will be rainbow colored flowers as the center piece and everyone will have a gift to take home. The gift will consist of the following items:
Switchblade comb
A pack of #2 rainbow pencils that have been not only personalized with the date of the wedding, but also the name of the attendant
A copy of Death Becomes Her for each household
A copy of Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes by Fotie Photenhauer