Seven Websites of Human Misery

Texts from Last Night
As convenient as text messaging is, sometimes the "send" button can be your worst enemy. Whether you've just sent that explicit message about the whipped cream and leather harness to your dad, or accidentally thanked your girlfriend for the amazing night of sex you didn't have with her last night, texts can be disastrous, humiliating, and very funny. Add a little alcohol and lack of sleep to to the equation, and you have a recipe for some of the greatest cringe humor on the web. Texts from Last Night collects millions of embarrassing, rude, and downright idiotic texts from all over the world. Anyone can submit their failure totally anonymously (all you have to include is the area code) and share their deepest regrets and screw ups with the entire world. They can post texts about how awesome they are or what a great night they've just had, but they aren't half as interesting as the ones where they sleep with their cousins.

F My Life
Sometimes, life is pretty good. Other times, it's like a smirking chimp throwing rotten fruit at you wile it has sex with your wife. For those less than perfect days, F My Life is there to make you feel better. An open site for people to post the mundane or horrible things that happen to them, you're guaranteed to find someone who has it worse off than you. From inconsiderate partners, spectacular bad luck, to just the plain old drudgery of daily life, F My Life is a perfect place to remind yourself just how good you have it. Unless of course you search the site and can't find anyone whose life is worse than yours. In that case, the least you can do is post yourself and let some other poor bastard feel a little better about their miserable existence. If by some small chance things are always going really great in your life, you can always stop by the site to laugh at the poor bastards who don't have it so good.

Passive Aggressive Notes
But videos of frat guys falling off roofs aren't the only dumb but funny things you can find on the World Wide Interwebs. Sometimes all it takes is one person to be so upset by the actions of another that they do they only thing possible, write a stern note. At Passive Aggressive Notes, they have a huge collection of notes written by people who were angry enough to want to confront someone, but too wimpy to actually do it in person. These Post-It crusaders wage a never-ending battle against those who don't change the toiler paper, steal milk from the office fridge, or generally intrude upon the way they think the world should be. It's a hilarious collection of impotent rage and shaky grammar. But then you obviously know that because you're so smart, right?

My Life is Average
Sure it's easy to get on one of these sites if you are a major jackass, but what if you're just an everyday, run-of-mill loser? My Life is Average is the place for you. Forgoing the flashy facepalms and splashy sex texts, My Life is Average catalogs the mundaneness of life. They aren't terrible, but they aren't the great either. Entires usually involve minor annoyances or tiny victories, the kinds of things that happen to everyone every day. The reason it belongs on this list is that millions of people are posting and rating the most basic occurrences of life. Now if that isn't stupid, what is?

You Idiot
To some, the ubiquity of cameras has turned society into a collection of voyeurs obsessively recording and watching every pointless and irrelevant occurrence of daily life. While that may be true, it also has ensured that just about every moment of rib tickling jackassery will be recorded and available for public consumption at the click of a mouse. a great collection of such moments exists at You Idiot. The site takes a no-frills approach to funny tools. They find the videos or pictures, post them, and that's it. It's perfect if you're busy but need a quick look at somebody doing something incredibly stupid to help get you motivated for the day.

Regretsy
For those of you who don't know it, Etsy is a website for people who want to sell their handmade crafts. For a small fee, they can put up ads that show the world the things they've made. Some of the stuff is great and was obviously made with care by people who really love making crafts (such as the woman who crafted our engagement rings). Unfortunately, a lot of the stuff is complete garbage. To save you the trouble of searching through it all, Regretsy combs through the crafts and finds the best of the worst. Whether it's horrible clothing, ugly art, or just plain old junk, Regretsy finds it and brings it to you in all its cheap, kitschy glory. Not only is it an amazing collection of crap, but it's also a great document of just how disillusioned people can be about their own talent.

Failblog
Everybody screws up sometimes. If we're lucky, no one is around to see our mistakes and we can carry the failure buried deep within ourselves next to the guilt and shame. If we're unlucky, some jerk is going to film the while thing and put it on Failblog, a collection of people making stupid yet laugh out-loud funny mistakes. There are tons of videos of dudes trying to jump off walls, do crazy bike tricks, or generally wow their friends with some amazing act of daredevilry that ends in gut-busting tragedy, but the real hilarity comes from the seemingly endless photo of mislabeled products and signs that apparently litter stores and restaurants across the nation. From terrible misspellings to grammar bombs, Failblog shows that you don't need a bike and ramp on your roof to screw up in a hilarious way.

Wedding Dilemma

I seem to have found myself in a pickle. Obviously, I'm not fond of my father, especially after our last conversation when I called him to tell him that I was engaged. It didn't go exactly as planned.


Me: Hey dad. I was just calling to give you some good news.
Dave: Yea.
Me: I got engaged last week.
Dave: Really. Did you hear your grandparents have my truck?

My dilemma is whether or not to invite the man to our wedding. If he's invited to the wedding, then chances are he'll bring his three-headed beast of a girlfriend Dawn with him, which could cause tension/fighting between Devil-Beast and my mom. Additionally, if he is invited, then I have to deal with the awkward moments, such as the slim possibility that he may want to do the whole "father-daughter dance" (which will occur over my dead body) or having to deal with awkward hugs from him after he has way too much to drink.

On the other hand, if he doesn't get invited, chances are he'll crash the wedding and just show up uninvited. He actually showed up to my college graduation in 2004, after my grandparents told him the date (and I believe even drove him to the ceremony). Of course, I got the last laugh by not inviting them to my graduation in 2005, when I received my Master's Degree (definitely didn't want a repeat of the previous graduation). What the hell am I going to do if he does show up? The last thing I want to do is get pissed off on my wedding day.


Obviously, I'll run into a whole separate problem by not inviting him: how do I get around not inviting him while inviting his siblings/parents to the wedding? I'm sure that conversation would go over well: hey Pops, I'm not inviting your son because he's a deadbeat. I'm sure they would really love that.

As wrong as it sounds, if I do invite him to the wedding, he may feel obligated to help pay for the wedding and may just make the whole situation easier by not speaking to me until after the wedding is planned, payed for, and perhaps even over.

Here's the almighty question: Do I invite him or do I not invite him?

The Ideal Wedding According to Me

Rachel and I have been engaged for about two months and are planning on getting married in October 2012. Over the last few weeks, we've been having sporadic conversations about the wedding plans (location, rings, attire, and reception). Obviously we have two years to plan the single greatest wedding to occur in the 21st century, so nothing is etched in stone.

The Ideal Wedding According to Me

(obviously since I am the author)

Invitations

First, you would receive the standard Save the Date magnet to stick on your fridge, but you would also receive an invitation similar to a movie trailer. To begin with, there would be fancy music, such as the Star Wars or Jurassic Park Theme, and then scrolling text with periodic photos of Rachel and me looking extremely cheesey (think extremely corny/cheesey engagement photos). The text would read:

Coming to an outside recreation area near you,

the wedding of a lifetime between two women who love each other dearly.

Hell yea...your invited to your first gay wedding...

At this point, the screen would start to flash rainbow colors and Venus symbols flashing across the screen. Then the date and time of the wedding will appear on the screen, along with the RSVP date.

Walking Down the Aisle

Traditionally, a woman walks down the aisle to the ever popular "Da dant ta dant," but I want my wedding to be very untraditional. Instead of some lame da and dants to walk down, I want to walk down the aisle to one of the following:

Idea 1: The Ultimate Warrior Theme complete with me running down the aisle in warrior mode. After running down the aisle like a maniac, I jump on top of a chair, throwing my arms up in the air as if I just won a championship.

Idea 2: The Hulk Hogan Theme complete with me performing all of the weird arm poses Hulk Hogan does on the way to his ring and the infamous spinning of the wrist a few times and cupping my hand to my ear. If I walk down the aisle to the Hulk Hogan Theme, I promise I will wear a feather boa and will tear my shirt off at some point.

Idea 3: The Emperor's March from Star Wars complete with me walking down the aisle in a traditional manner. I will control all of my natural instincts and not pull out a lightsaber during my walk down the aisle, as long as the song is performed live by a group of musicians dressed as the Max Rebo band.

Wedding
After Rachel and I exchange our vows (which will be completely serious) we smoochy smooch, and the Max Rebo band begins to play the Time Warp. Everyone in attendance, this includes everyone watching the wedding and all those in the wedding, perform the Time Warp before heading to the reception.

Wedding Attire
Since this is a gay wedding, everyone in the wedding (with the exception of Rachel and I) will be wearing rainbow colors and those fancy ascots. Ascots are amazing and should become a part of everyday attire.

Reception
The reception will be the single most amazing party anyone will ever attend. Years from now, people will still be discussing our reception as if it had occurred yesterday. Of course there will be an open bar and dinner will be exquisite. Additionally, there will be rainbow colored flowers as the center piece and everyone will have a gift to take home. The gift will consist of the following items:
Switchblade comb
A pack of #2 rainbow pencils that have been not only personalized with the date of the wedding, but also the name of the attendant
A copy of Death Becomes Her for each household
A copy of Natural Harvest: A Collection of Semen Based Recipes by Fotie Photenhauer

Father of the Year

My father and I have never had the best of relationships. For almost ten years we didn't even speak to each other until I had the encouragement to call him on my birthday two years ago.

1. After my parents separated, the court gave him a visitation schedule. We were supposed to see him on Wednesdays after school, every other weekend, and once a month he would have us on Sundays. After several months, he stopped showing up on Wednesdays and then stopped showing up on Sundays. He wouldn't even call to say he wasn't coming to pick us up, he just wouldn't show.
2. During the summer going into eighth grade, Dave was supposed to take Diddy and I on a vacation to Maryland. I called him the night before to ask him if he could pick up sunblock and he got furious, accusing my mother of squandering our child support. He refused to take me on the trip, but still wanted my sister to go with him to Maryland, but she refused to go.
3. On visitation weekends, he neglected to take care of us. There was never any food in the house (and the food that was there was either stale or spoiled). Instead he would get drunk and watch football. On more than one occasion, he drank beer while driving my sister and I somewhere (usually to get more beer). In order to eat, Diddy and I would often steal the spare change from his car and walk to Wawa to buy edible food.
4. When I was about thirteen, my sister was really ill (I think with pneumonia) and didn't go to his house for the weekend. Instead, I had to go on my own. Over the weekend, he dropped me off at the movies to see Super Mario Bros, but forgot to pick me up from the theater. The employees gave me free popcorn and a hot dog, and let me watch Made in America for free. He finally showed up later that night (I was at the theater for a good 8 hours after the movie ended), smelling like beer.
5. After the sun screen fight, we refused to go to his house for the weekend. Instead, we spent our visitation weekends with his parent, who lived within walking distance of him. Dave never came to visit us when we were there, even when he still had his license and could drive there.
6. About a month before my sixteenth birthday, we were visiting his parents for the weekend. Dave actually showed up for a change and asked me what I wanted for my birthday, which was very surprising since he hadn't bothered to buy either one of us a birthday gift since I was thirteen. He told me that he had already bought something "special" for me, but it would come in the mail. A few days after my birthday, my mother got a package in the mail. He filed for divorce on my sixteenth birthday.
7. He never showed up to my high school graduation. Instead, he went his girlfriend's daughter's graduation. Dave never even called to congratulate me that I had graduated.
8. In college, his parents gave him my dorm room phone number. He called one night to tell me that he had lymph node cancer. An hour later, my mother called me to tell me that Dave had called her to brag that he talked to me. In fact he didn't have cancer at all, he just wanted to prove to her that he could have me back in his life at any moment.
9. He refused to help pay for any of my college education. In fact, he was actually angry at my mother for not buying me a "brand new" car and giving me my Nana's old car when I got my license.

All contact with him was severed after the cancer episode. In fact, I refused to speak to even his parents or siblings since they gave him my dorm room phone number. When I got a cell phone, I refused to give them my number, out of fear that they would give it to him.

About two years ago, I decided to call him on my birthday and of course he was drunk. It was the most difficult decision of my life, because I was still so angry at him, yet I didn't want to live my entire life being angry. I thought by calling him, I would be able to let go of some of the anger and resentment that had been building up to him.

We talked about once a month, with me doing all of the phone calls. We would see each other at his parents house, and I even went to the hell-hole that is his house for a brief visit. Our talks and visits were brief and extremely awkward.

Then last week, I called him to announce my engagement and to see how he was doing after his knee surgery. I called him in the late afternoon, so that I knew I would get him on the phone pre-drunken mess. I was so excited about telling him about my engagement, however, in typical Dave style, he busted my bubble.

Me: Guess what! I got engaged!
Dave: Yea...did you hear that your grandparents have my truck?

Are you kidding me? What kind of response is that? Where is the congratulations or I'm happy for you. All I got was a fucking Yea!

Not only is the man not walking me down the aisle, he will not be receiving an invitation to our amazing wedding. He will have no part in our children's lives, I even plan on giving any birthday/holiday presents from the man for my children, to Good Will...still wrapped. I'm even thinking of having all of his parental rights taken away.

I know that I'm an adult, but I want no part in the man.

Engagement

Two weeks ago, Rachel took me to Ocean City for the day. For the whole week leading up to Sunday, she told me that we were going to go to the shore for the day, so that I can enjoy the beach, relax, and distress myself before starting summer school. That morning she was supposed to work, so I planned on getting some laundry done before hand so that my new pair of shorts would be clean.

As I headed downstairs to the washer/dryer in the basement, I look out into the parking lot and notice Rachel walking towards the house (about 5 hours ahead of schedule). Due to work being slow, she was allowed to go home early, but would have to make up the remaining hours the next day. Instead of doing laundry, I jumped in the shower so that we could leave much earlier that anticipated.

After my shower, I was standing in front of my dresser, trying to find socks, when I noticed Rachel in the hallway watching me. She asked if I had noticed anything, which made me look really hard at her, but she hadn’t changed anything about her appearance. Finally, she pointed at my dresser where she had put a bouquet of red roses on my dresser. I had been staring at them the entire time, but never noticed that they were even there. I have to admit, my eyes were very teary eyed at how sweet they were.

I had gotten all dressed and was ready to go, when she recommended that I wear a brighter shirt, instead of the t-shirt I had on. I had just bought a white polo shirt at Target, so I pulled that out of the bag, and as I was cutting the tag off the shirt, I managed to snip my middle finger too. There was lots of blood…

I wanted to pass out…

Rachel was very concerned too, but I hadn’t even realized how overly concerned she was at that point. She helped me clean out my wound and bandage it, because there was no way I was going to do it myself. Did I mention how much blood there was?

I don’t do blood…

Finally, we get into the car and she has the Beatles playing in the car. (I’m not sure how at this point, I hadn’t realized that this day was extra special). She said that I could pick out whatever we were going to do, which was really nice. She had originally planned on taking me to Higbee Beach, but when we got into Ocean City we changed our minds and headed towards the Cape May Lighthouse instead.

We walked around the nature trail, hoping to see an otter (but had no luck seeing any wildlife). Then we walked the beach. We wandered the coastline until we passed the World War II Bunker, and decided to sit in the sand. We sat there for a moment when she pulled out a ring box.

Rachel: Will you marry me?

Me: Yea…yes…yea!

There were two rings in the box, a black ring with a diamond in the center, and a silver ring with a black diamond in the center. After exchanging rings (and giggling for the next minute or so), five dolphins swam towards the coastline. When Rachel saw the first dolphin, she thought it was a shark. I would have believed her if I hadn’t seen the other four dolphins quickly approaching the original dolphin. We walked the coastline in the opposite direction, following the path of the dolphins.

Afterwards, we headed back to the car (where I made very important phone calls/text messages/status updates/relationship status changes) where I was surprised again with a beautiful card hanging above my head in the visor.

The rest of the day was very magical. We headed towards Wildwood to walk the boardwalk. While we were there, we ate Curly Fries (the best fries in Jersey) and I was even brave enough to pet a giant snake. (Snakes are not so slimey.) On our way home we even went to Sonic for a Chocolate Cream Pie Milkshake.

Did I mention how much I love my girlfriend fiancée?