A Discovery of Witches

A Discovery of Witches

Title: A Discovery of Witches
Author: Deborah Harkness
Published: December 27, 2011
Publisher: Penguin Books
Length: 592 Pages













In the first book of the All Souls Trilogy, A Discovery of Witches introduces the reader to a world in which humans unknowingly live in the same world as daemons, witches, and vampires. Witches, daemons, and vampires of course no about each other but they are not allowed to associate with each other. At the beginning of the novel, we are introduced to Diana Bishop, a witch who doesn't want to be a witch who was born into a very long line of witches. In fact, her ancestral roots trace back to the Salem Witch Trials. Her parents were two very powerful witches, Stephen Proctor and Rebecca Bishop, who were both killed when Diana was seven years old while they were in Nigeria.

Within the first ten pages of the book, Diana calls a manuscript called Ashmole 782, which sets the events of the book into motion. After returning the manuscript, it becomes apparent that every witch, daemon, and vampire has become increasingly interested in the manuscript since it had not been opened in hundreds of years. Diana eventually meets a 1,500 year old vampire named Matthew Clairmont who comes to her aid when a witch attempts to enter her mind.

Over the course of the story, Matthew and Diana fall in love, get married in a quick vampire wedding, and decide whether to attempt to open Ashmole 782 again. They are quickly attacked by witches, vampires, more witches, and then more vampires as Diana learns her lengthy list of talents. They eventually come to head with the Congregation, a council of three witches, three vampires, and three daemons, before timewalking into the 1500s.

The story starts off painfully slow with Diana going to the library and reading old alchemy manuscripts while daemons, witches, and vampires gawk at her. She goes home to drink some tea at night and exercise, then the next chapter is rinse and repeat. By the time I was into a third of the book, I was ready to throw in the towel. When the rinse and repeat was over, the story picked up quickly. In fact, the story went from crawling at a snail's pace to moving at the speed of light.

Many of the problems with the writing weren't even the author's fault, but mistakes that her editing company never picked up (missing periods, commas, quotation marks). There were several places were it seemed as if she wanted to go back into the text to add more detail, but simply forgot so there are gaping holes in some of the thoughts and dialogue pieces.

Once the story picked up (at around Chapter 12), I was hooked. The rising action became intense with plot twists, new information unveiled about vampires, and the introduction of new characters. I'm not exactly sure whether the lack of climax was due to the fact that this is the first book in the trilogy and the author hasn't gotten to that point yet or whether the author didn't know how to write a story will all of the elements of plot.

I know it seems as if I had butchered this book, but the story was actually really interesting and I do plan on reading all of the books in the series. A Discovery of Witches is definitely not an adult version of Harry Potter, as Deborah Harkness described it, but it is an enjoyable light read that will lightly savor your mouth, making your crave a little more vampire/witch love action.

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies

Pride and Prejudice and Zombies was written in 2009 by Jane Austen and Seth Grahame-Smith. The novel is the second mashup on the list, combining Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice with zombie and ninja fiction. Minus the zombies, there are also some major plot adjustments in the story, such as Mr. Bennet being alive and well throughout the entire novel, which significantly detracts from the Bennet sisters from having to immediately find husbands to protect their lifestyle. Each of the Bennet sisters have been trained in martial arts and weapons training to combat the zombies.

The sisters still travel the countryside by carriage to go to fancy balls and visit friends, though in their travels they often encounter zombies. Jane and Elizabeth take pleasure in crushing in the skulls of the undead, though their talents for zombie slaying are often judged by high society. Even though there is a terrifying undead invasion, it is still very unladylike for women to be self-sufficient in destroying the undead. The girls must still find suitable husbands, since they will eventually have to face the fact that their father will not be around forever, causing their home to transfer hands to his cousin, Mr. Collins. At one point, Mrs. Bennet even contemplates having him marry one of her daughters, which apparently was a common practice during this time period.

The novel plays out similar to the original, with the zombie action sporadically tossed in, such as the occasional zombie attack during a ball. Instead of being engrossed in a zombie horror novel, I felt once again engrossed in a Victorian novel with a few zombie attacks thrown in for fun. The zombies don't really change the novel, instead they provide comic relief to get through the overall dreadfulness of Darcy pursuing Elizabeth, the strange flirtation Mr. Collins has with the Bennet sisters, and the numerous engagements the girls attend.

I was extremely disappointed by the writing of the novel, especially after reading Grahame-Smith's Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter. It becomes very apparent that Grahame-Smith had some heavy limitations with this novel, in attempt to commit as much as the original story to the mashup novel, Grahame-Smith was not able to properly infuse the zombies into the literature. While there many points in the history of Lincoln were there is uncertainty, Pride and Prejudice lacks these moments. 

Though this novel wasn't what I was expecting, I am interested in reading the prequel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dawn of the Dreadfuls and the sequel, Pride and Prejudice and Zombies: Dreadfully Ever After, since both novels were written by Steve Hockensmith. Additionally, the prequel and sequel are loosely based on the characters and time period of the original novel, without the limitations of having to stick with the original story. I would recommend this book to anyone who is a fan of Pride and Prejudice and a fan of zombies, all others should read this novel without having great expectations.

Stretching

Over the last few years, I have slowly been stretching my piercings, with the ultimate goal of having my bottom hole a 4g, my two other lobe piercings a 12g, and my cartridge to a 6g. My first goal was reached last month, when I stretched my bottom piercing from a 6g to a 4g. Simultaneously, I stretched my cartridge from a 12g to a 10g, which was excruciatingly painful.

What the hell am I talking about? Stretching or gauging is a form of body modification, in which a piercing is slowly stretched to accommodate larger jewelry. Any piercing can be stretched, from a lobe piercing to a Prince Albert (why any man would want to do that is beyond me). 

The size of a traditional lobe piercing is sized at either a 20g or an 18g. As you stretch your ears, the gauge size decreased by 2, until it reaches a 00g, then the sizes increase in size by a fraction of an inch (another reason why fractions are amazing). It is definitely not wise to skip gauge sizes when stretching a piercing, since it can cause blowouts, which is when the tissue twists and literally pushes itself outside of the piercing. 

4g Tapers

A taper, circular taper, or pincher can be used to stretch a piercing. The taper is a long, tube like earring, which starts with a narrow pointed tip and gradually increases in width until it reaches the desired gauge. I don't like using tapers for two reasons, I find them too heavy for my ears and they are extremely long, making them difficult to sleep in. A circular taper has the same premise as a taper, the difference being it is circular, so the length of the taper isn't as irritating. My preferred stretching tool is the pincher, which resembles a claw. Each side of the pincher is thin and increases in width until it reaches the middle of the earring, again increasing in width until the disired gauge has been reached.

The taper is not to be used as jewelry, and should be removed after a 24-48 hour period, which is another reason why I prefer the pinchers over the tapers. I have found that I can leave the pinchers in for a few days longer so that I can take care of the piercing more easily. After this time period, the next step is to replace the taper with a plug.

Normally, a taper will come in a set with a pair of no-flare plugs (which usually match the taper in color and material). Personally, I avoid double flared jewelry, because the only part of the plug that has the matching gauge size as my piercing is the center of the plug. In order to insert a double flared plug into a piercing, you would need to further stretch the ear to accommodate the larger sections of the plug (which help keep the plug in your piercing). If you do not remove a double flare plug everyday, over time the piercing will shrink around the plug, making problematic to take out.

Instead, I am a fan of single flared plugs, in which only one side of the plug is slightly larger, which is easy to insert and held in place by a rubber o-ring. Obviously that means that a no flared plug is the same size throughout and requires an O-ring for both sides.

Other types of plugs consist of threaded flesh tunnels, which require the back to be screwed into the rest of the earring. Top hats resemble a letter t, with a flat design on the front and a plug attached to the design. Think of it as a small plate with a handle attached to the back of it. 

My personal favorite type of earring to wear, is silicone earskin, which maintains the size and shape of the stretched piercing, while showing off the circumference of the piercing. Unlike most metallic materials, silicone has a wide range of colors to choose from and are extremely light on the ears. 

Of course I showed off my new stretched piercings at our last 69 club meeting. I think this entire entry can be summed up with one Berman quote: "I can see the street through your ears."

Pride and Prejudice

Pride and Prejudice was first published in 1813 by Jane Austen. The story follows the main character, Elizabeth Bennet, as she deals with issues of manners, upbringing, morality, education, and marriage in the society of the landed gentry of the 19th century England. The landed gentry was a traditional British social class, consisting of land owners who could live entirely off rental income. The plot is driven by a particular situation which effects the lives of all who live on the estate. The estate where the Bennett family resides is entailed to one of Mr. Bennet's collateral relatives (male only), by the legal terms of fee tail (an estate of inheritance in real property which cannot be sold, inherited through a will, or given away by the owner, but which passes to the owner's heirs upon his death.)

In all honesty, I found this novel to be a very difficult read, mainly because of my severe disinterest in this time period. I honestly did not read the book in the original two weeks that I was supposed to have it done, rather after we had discussed it. I piled through the novel, so that I could move onto Pride and Prejudice and Zombies without feeling guilty that I had not finished this book.

By the middle of the book I had more of a desire to pluck out my eyelashes with a rushy spork than continue reading the woes of the Bennett family. I know most people love this book, but I am definitely not one of them. In fact, I would say I am one of the rare people who can say they absolutely detest this book. I actually found myself more interested in finishing The Adventures of Augie March by Saul Bellow than turn another page. Eventually I did finally finish the story, but I was left questioning myself whether I could get the hours back that I spent reading it.

Deliverance

After reading Deliverance, I now have a clear understanding as to why Chudzie wanted to read something light and funny first. Deliverance was written in 1970 by James Dickey, who is more known for his poetry than his novels. The novel appeared on all of the various "top 100" lists that we had compared, so the five us quickly realized it was going to be inevitable that we were going to have to read it.

I actually had no clue that Deliverance was made into a movie in 1972, which stared Jon Voight, Burt Reynolds, Ronny Cox and Ned Beatty. Deliverance is also the movie with the infamous line "I bet you can squeal like a pig. Weeeeee!"


The story takes place in the wilderness, when four men (Bobby, Ed, Drew, and Lewis) go on a canoe trip down a river in the middle of a town filled with stereotypical hillbillies and mountain men. The entire story takes place over the course of three days, during which their canoes flip over, one of the men is ass raped by a local, another breaks his leg, and another is shot in the head. The men have to cover up several murders during their journey, as their weekend getaway turns into a battle for survival.

Though it seems like a simple tale of revenge and bravado, the sheer descriptive power of Dickey's writing separates it from generic adventure stories. He evokes a sense of adventure in the reading through his descriptions of the refreshing water spray of the river to the violence of the canoe crashing against rocks through the rapids. There is a downfall to Dickey's intense descriptions, as they are quite lengthy, such as four page description of Ed's analysis of the rocks pressed against his legs. Deliverance shows that great literature and harrowing adventure are not mutually exclusive.

Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter

The first book from the 69 Club was Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith, which was added to the list because Chudzie wanted to read something light and funny, before diving head first into the heavier stuff, quite understandable considering the books on the list. The novel is a 2010 mashup novel, which was released in March 2010.

Vampire Hunter combines the history of Abraham Lincoln with vampires. Yes, you read that correctly - vampires. The novel is actually quite historically accurate, as Grahame-Smith fills in the holes and gaps of uncertainty of Lincoln's life with vampires. For example, Lincoln's mother died when he was still a young boy (around 8 years old) from a unknown disease, which the author credits as being poisoned with vampire blood. (According to the novel, by drinking the blood of a vampire you die a horrific death similar to milk poisoning). Other historical tie-ins consisted of slaves being used a food supply for vampires, the death of Willie Lincoln credited to an attack by vampires, and the entire history of the lost colony of Roanoke being caused by the discovery of a vampire among the colonists (who consequently kills everyone in the colony).

I discovered the book while Christmas shopping for Rachel's father, who is a huge fan of President Lincoln. While we were shopping on Amazon for Christmas ideas, I came across the book and thought it was perfect for him, with the only hesitation that the historical parts wouldn't be accurate. Like a giddy school girl, he loved his present after opening it and I'm pretty sure had the book read days after receiving it. When it was released in paperback this past April, I bought it with some extra birthday money from Target. It was well worth the cost of the book.

I highly recommend this book to anyone, whether they are a fan of Abraham Lincoln or vampires. Grahame-Smith clearly went the distance to create a plausible melding of vampire mayham and history. The story is well researched and like I've said several times already, the history was on target. As a an avid history lover and horror reader, I really enjoyed this work and I look forward to see what the next project that Seth Grahame-Smith is going to come up with (hopefully he'll continue the saga as hinted to in the novel).

BCDW 69 List

In 2005, Time Magazine published the 100 Top Novels, a list compiled by two men who I'm pretty sure have no idea what good literature consists of. The list was in alphabetical order, and we were originally going to read the list the way in which it was published.

Berman, Chudzie, Sharpie, and myself were ready to throw in the towel after encountering the first book on the list, The Adventures of Augie March by Saul Bellow. Berman and I were more determined than ever to continue our adventure of reading a list of classic literature. At the end of last week, Berman and I had homework: to find a different list of the top 100 novels.

Over the weekend, I found three lists published by the Modern Library, The Top 100 Novels, The Reader's List of the Top 100 Novels, and Radcliffe's Rival 100 Best Novels List. After analyzing these three lists, and comparing them with the Time Magazine list, I found 28 books that appeared on each list:

1. 1984 by George Orwell
2. All the King's Men by Robert Penn Warren
3. An American Tragedy by Theodore Dreiser
4. Animal Farm by George Orwell
5. Beloved by Toni Morrison
6. Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy
7. Brideshead Revisited by Evelyn Waugh
8. Catch-22 by Joseph Heller
9. Catcher in the Rye by JD Sallinger
10. Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
11. Death Comes for the Archbishop by Willia Cather
12. Deliverance by James Dickey
13. The French Lieutenant's Woman by John Fowles
14. Go Tell it on the Mountain by James Baldwin
15. Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
16. Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
17. I, Claudius by Robert Graves
18. Invisible Man by Ralph Ellison
19. Lolita by Vladimer Nabokov
20. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
21. Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien
22. Native Son by Richard Wright
23. Slaughterhouse-Five by Kurt Vonnegut
24. The Sun Also Rises by Ernest Hemingway
25. Their Eyes Were Watching God by Zora Neal Hurston
26. To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee
27. To the Lighthouse by Virginia Woolf
28. Tropic of Cancer by Henry Miller

Gravity's Rainbow by Thomas Pynchon, Ulysses by James Joyce, Brave New World by Aldous Huxley, Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey, Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie, and War of the World by HG Wells all appeared on each of the Modern Library's lists so we added those seven books to the list. Berman also worked hard, finding a list published by The Telegraph (a British newspaper), and added Crime and Punishment by Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Frankenstein by Mary Shelley, Tess of the D'Urbervilles by Thomas Hardy, Wuthering Heights by Emily Bronte, Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austin, and Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf.

During our weekly ladies lunch this week, the four of us got together and finalized the list. Chudzie and Sharpe each added several books to the list. In addition to the recommended books from the five lists, we also each imputed our own recommendations. For example, we removed To Kill a Mockingbird, since it has become a required reading book in our school and most of us have read the book way too many times. We also removed The Lord of the Rings and replaced it with The Hobbit.

After everything was said and done, we had a list of 69 novels that ranged from classic literature such as Ulysses to mashup literature such as Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Killer and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies. I plan to post the entire list on a separate page an will continue to update the progress of our book list periodically.

The Adventures of Augie March

Time Magazine's Top 100 Novels was published in alphabetical order, which makes sense if you aren't trying to rank the books from the best on the list to the worst least best on the list. The first book on the list was The Adventures of Augie March by Saul Bellow, which centers on an eponymous character who grows up during the Great Depression. The protagonist struggles to make sense of and succeed in an alienating world. The plot of the novel is never predetermined, things simply happens to Augie, one after another, with no evident story arc or a hint as to where his adventures are leading him.

To be blunt, the book was painful to read. Not only is there no concise plot to the story, Bellow chose to write the novel in stream of conscience, and it was done poorly. Amidst the rambling, there is an interesting story, but you have to decipher the long-winded sentences to have a clear picture of what the hell is happening. Additionally, Bellow throws new characters at the reader with absolutely as if they were fast balls. He'll spend chapter after chapter going into great detail about the relationship Augie has with a character, then suddenly a new set of characters are thrust at you.

A perfect example of this, is Chapter 11. Prior to the chapter, Augie has been working for the Renling family, in their sporting goods store and becomes a member of their family. At one point, Mrs. Renling even offers to adopt Augie, which would give him a huge inheritance when the Renlings passed away. After refusing her offer, they suddenly disappear and a whole new group of characters are introduced. I couldn't even keep track of who were major characters and who were minor characters, seeing that characters changed like Brady's diapers. 

At one point, I decided to read Rachel a few paragraphs from the chapter, to see if she could make sense of what the hell was going on. After one paragraph she begged me tos top, after the second paragraph her ears began to bleed, and after the third paragraph she had to run to the bathroom. 

I also saw Sylvester on the stairs of the rooming hose, with Mimi. He was, or had been, Mimi's brother-in-law, married in New York to her sister Annie, who had no left him and was getting a divorce. I recalled how his first wife threw stones at him when he tried to come through her father's backyard to talk to her, and I even remembered the surroundings in which I had heard about this from him, the grim air of cold Milwaukee Avenue when we peddled razorblades and glass-cutters with Jimmy Klein. Sylvester wanted Mimi to plead with her sister for him. "Hell," Mimi told me, as much for my private ear as any of her opinions were, "if I had known him before they were married I would have told Annie not to do it. He leaks misery all over. I wonder how she could stand two full years of him. Young girls do the goddamnedest things. Can you imaging being in bed with him, and that mud face and those lips? Why, he looks like the frog prince. I hope now she'll get under the sheets with a young strong stevedore." If somebody fell against Mimi's lines she had no mercy, and as she listened to Sylvester she kept in mind her sister bolt upright in a huskier man's clasp and struggling her arms with pleasure, and it made me for a minute dislike her for her cruelty that she held her eyes open for Sylvester so that he might look in and see this. What was to make it an acceptable joke was the supposition that he couldn't see. No, he probably couldn't.

The only way I could get myself to keep reading, was to convince myself that Augie was going to go on a homicidal rampage with toothpicks and ice scrapers so that I had something to look forward too. After reading a little less than half the book, I threw in the towel. For good reason, a new list was born from the brains of three, highly intelligent ladies and myself.