Letters

Dear Mark,
Thank you for finally not being cheap and fixing the hot water heater. I have been complaining about this situation for months and you finally decide to fix it without giving anyone a head's up that the job was going to take 36 hours and we would not have any hot water. It would have been nice to have a heads up that our building would be lacking hot water, I would have gladly ventured to Momma Dukes house to take a warm shower. I guess I shouldn't complain too much since I no longer have to clean myself in shifts (wash hair at night, wash body in the morning).

Sincerely,
Somewhat Satisfied Tenant

Dear John,
This isn't so much a thank you letter, more of a Please Clean Your Apartment, It Fucking Stinks note. I'm assuming that you are a hoarder. Why? Exhibit A: the disgusting mess that you call your car that has been sitting in the parking lot since last summer. Your car is filled from floor to ceiling with what can only be described as garbage. I believe there are more empty food containers in your car than any landfill in New Jersey. Since your car looks like three homeless men have made your automobile their new mobile home that doesn't actually travel anywhere, I can only assume that your apartment appears this way.

More importantly, there is Exhibit B: the obnoxious smell that radiates from your apartment into my apartment. I do believe whatever you have going on down there is toxic. I'm pretty confident to say that you may need to start wearing a hazmat suit to enter your apartment.

Please clean up your rat hole. If I can smell your three month old fruit and strange cat odors in my apartment then it's a problem. If you don't clean it up soon, I will have no choice to complain to Mark, and we both know how he feels about you.

Sincerely,
Nauseating Nostrils

Dear Math Department,
It has been fun working with you during the last few years, but the powers that be have decided that my services are no longer needed with the department. I will now be heading to the social studies department to perhaps shape them up. Please do not cry for, I am actually quite excited about this. In fact, I am actually thrilled. The last set of math notes will be sent you within the next two days, and I promise that they will be extremely entertaining.

Sincerely,
Former Math Teacher

Dear Winter,
Please make up your mind. I was under the impression that nasty winters never repeated themselves two years in a row. I enjoyed my snow days last year, but I have not mentally prepared myself for the onslaught of snow this year. In fact, I haven't been able to find a proper snow shovel or a new snow brush this year. If you are going to snow, please don't continuously change your mind. I have finally prepared myself for the snow storm that was supposed to occur on Tuesday, but have recently learned that you will be postponing the snowball fights until Wednesday. Please, make up your mind.

Sincerely,
Anti-Snow Days

Dear Students,
Please understand that this thank you note is actually a Catch-22, which is a term that will probably fly over your tiny little heads. Please start coming to school more often. When all three of you are absent on the same day, I am very productive and extremely bored with myself. I am also tired of writing lesson plans for the day only to have you not show up. While this could be resolved in simply pushing everything back a day, we have the small problem of Gold and Maroon Days. I cannot simply push today's plans to tomorrow since I don't see you as much on Gold Days. Instead, you will probably receive extra homework assignments tomorrow. I would apologize, but you brought this on yourself.

Sincerely,
Teacher

Dear Sasha,
We love that you like to spend time in the bathroom and I think it quite adorable that you want to stick your whole head underneath the faucet to get a drink of water. However, it isn't really nice to poop in the bath tub. I'm not sure where you got the idea that pooping in the tub was a good idea. It just makes your humans pissed off at you. As a result, you have been locked out of the bathroom until further notice.

Sincerely,
Human