Need a Moment?

I've spent the last two hours staring at this blank white text box with absolutely no idea what to write. I've watched an episode of Hoarders and now I'm watching an episode of Kitchen Nightmares with the gayest of gay men. With countless topics to write about and no ideas where to start, I decided to surf the internet. Legend has it that you can find anything on the internet, which I mistakenly did not take very seriously.

Apparently the legend is correct, because tonight I discovered this photo (along with several others) from an Israeli fashion magazine called BelleMode. According to the magazine, the man in the photo is an Ultraorthodox Jewish model.

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I figured you may have needed a moment before you continued reading, though I really have nothing else to say. I just wanted to point out that I gave you a moment to enjoy.

Facebook Statuses 3

Status: If you could see my heart, what would you do?
Comment: Take you to the hospital.

Status: I wish I could go my grandmas today
Comment: Why?
Comment: Ya know mom, instead of commenting on my facebook you could just get up off the couch and walk those 5-6 steps to get to my room and ask me.

Status: I wish I could take this day and throw it into the pit of non existence.
Comment: That pit is already full of your hopes and dreams.

Status: wow...called in and called out...how the fuck is that supposed to work...I hate working for these motherfuckers...they have the worst organizational skills of any company I've ever seen...and I've worked for alcoholic construction workers
Comment: I've tried to call you but you wont answer. I just want you to know that I appreciate the kind words you have written. By the way you had a choice to come in to work tonight or not and you decided on your own not to. Good luck with walmart or who ever is unfortunate enough to hire you. Im sure i wont be hearing from you any time soon. You are not man enough to hear what I have to say. Also I am confident in the fact that most the people on here know the type of person you are so why don't you stop pretending to actually be a responsible halfway good worker. And on your next job try not to smoke pot while on the clock. Im sure it will be impossible for you.

Status: Thought of the day: I could never date a girl with an overly large clitoris...It's too much like a little penis, and there is already enough of that in my relationships...
Comment: you saying you have an overly large clitoris?
Comment: No, no he is saying he has a little penis...

Status: may as well just sit back and watch everything fall to pieces
Comment: jenga!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seven Cancelled Television Shows

Alf
Alf was an endearing story about a furry alien from Melmac and his adventures with an Earth family and was a favorite of the 80s. Alf was suddenly canceled after a season ending cliffhanger. Why? To scare small children. The series ended with everyone's favorite space alien being surrounded by soldiers with guns and captured by the government to be experimented on, dissected and turned into a mutated killing machine. Children around the country gasped as Alf was captured and they were left with their imaginations as to what happened. I ams ure a few were in denial and thought the government made Alf a citizen who is now governing the state of California, but everyone else know that his next role was as dead alien #2 on X-Files.

Jon and Kate Plus 8
America watched as Kate Gosselin verbally and sometimes physically, beat her husband into submission, all the while exploiting her eight children in exchange for free passes to various zoos and vacation spots. It seemed everyone had an opinion on Kate's harsh demeanor and felt sorry for poor Jon and the kids. Suddenly, the tabloids started filling with pictures of a not-so-happy couple and it culminated in a public declaration of divorce only a few episodes after the happy couple renewed their vows in Hawaii. Why was this cult classic cancelled? America can only take one douchebag at a time. We could only handle hating Kate, but when we found out Jon was a total piece of crap as well, we could only choke down as much bile as once. On the bright side, Kate came back with her own show practically guaranteeing her and her eight little rug rats 15 more minutes of vomit inducing fame.

Law and Order
After 20 seasons, this progenitor of police dramas was put out to pasture. We watched as they tackled cases ripped from the headlines and episodes of Forensic Files all the while getting to know the emotional trials and tribulations of the detectives and prosecutors. Why was the show cancelled? It's original audience all died of old age. Thankfully, criminals were able to think of thousands of ways to kill people so Law and Order never ran out of ideas, but they were running out of actors. The series had gone through so many cast changes over the years, the only original member was the guy that drove the catering truck. The audience that originally started watching the series in their infancy were now celebrating bowel movements in nursing homes across the country. The series just couldn't bring in new viewers faster than the old ones were dying off.

Fear Factor
As proof that people will do anything for money, Fear Factor pitted contestants against each other in stunts designed to disgust and scare the hell out of them. They were forced to lay down with snakes and bugs, eat bull penis and squid eyes and rummage around rancid fish guts as America watched unable to turn away from this car-crash-like entertainment. Why was the show of icky-nastiness cancelled? A desensitized America. People have been saying for years that violence on television is making us desensitized and the same can be said of eating raw animal testicles. You can only watch people eating various types of penises for so long, before it goes from "ewww" to "eh." In a world where people attend testicles festivals and pay hundreds of dollars for a few ounces of raw fish eggs, this show's shock and awe factor passed faster than the bull penis.

Ghost Whisperer
Jennifer Love Hewitt starred as a small town antique store owner and psychic able to see and hear the dead. She worked to settle their Earthly problems so they could move on to the great beyond all the while defeating the forces of evil. Audiences tuned in to see her cleavage and superior acting talent. Alright, just the cleavage. Why was Jennifer Love Hewitt's Cleavage Power Hour cancelled? Gravity. Poor Jennifer. Gravity has taken a toll on her humongous melons and they're no longer the eye catchers they once were. Pretty soon she'll be hitting them with her knees when she runs and smothering small children during innocent hugs. Without the draw of her boobs and the fact that anything with Jamie Kennedy will suck, Ghost Whisper must find its own way to cross over or live on in perky syndication.

I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here
A reality television series that dropped a bunch of random "celebrities" in the middle of a jungle in a lame copy of Survivor. With guests like Stephen Baldwin and Heidi Montag, this show was scraping the bottom of the "celebrity" barrel and America watched hoping to see humiliation and a possible mental breakdown. Why was this show cancelled? No one wanted them to get out of there. who really cared that Janice Dickinson was stuck in a jungle? We wanted a show called "You're Annoying Stay in the Jungle, Preferably with a Tiger." If the networks really wanted this show to go on, they would have managed to give Dickinson malaria and have Baldwin attacked by a rabid monkey. I would have sat down with some popcorn, a refreshing drink and tuned in every week.

American Gladiators Old and New
What can be more entertaining than fit, athletic people competing against their gargantuan, athletic ogres in games I could play at summer camp? American Gladiators has had two runs at a series and audiences shriveled for both faster than a pair of gladiator testicles. There haven't been this many bulging veins since half price day at the methadone clinic. Why was this show cancelled? Negative impact on the drug war. There were so many steroids being pumped on that show it fueled the drug trade for years. The government finally had to crack down and stop the show or fear a complete global takeover by Columbian drug cartels.

Seven Strange Museums

The Museum of Bad Art
Founded in 1993, the Museum of Bad Art is the world's only museum dedicated to the collection, preservation, exhibition and celebration of bad art in all forms. Their mission: to bring the worse of art to the widest of audiences. With a collection of more than 400 pieces between two museums in Dedham Square and Somerville, Massachusetts, the museums give new meaning to "can't color between the lines."

The Mutter Museum
The Mutter Museum is a science museum located in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. The medical museum features medical oddities, wax models, and antique equipment. Among the more famous displays are a preserved nine-foot long colon full of fecal matter (ew), a growth taken from Lincoln's assassin, and a woman whose remains turned to soap.

Vibrator Museum and Masturbation Hall of Fame
Perhaps the most erotic museum on the list, this San Francisco museum displays ancient products originally designed to help women fight hysteria. As one of the first five products to use AC power, the vibrator has a long history and the museum would like to shed some light on the practices of women's darkened bedrooms. In addition to a collection of vibrators, there are also plenty of modern toys to help anyone and everyone with their sexual frustrations.

Icelandic Phallological Museum
The Icelandic Phallacological Museum boasts a penis or penis parts from just about every mammal and sea creature indigenous to Iceland. Come on America, where is our phallus museum?

British Lawnmower Museum
Year after year, people go out to purchase lawnmowers so that they may keep their lawn crisp and presentable. But a good portion of those people don't know the history behind the lawnmower and possibly don't care. If you do care, then there's a museum for you in Great Britain.  The British Lawnmower Museum holds more than 200 specimens of this ever-important machine for the lawn junkie.

Leeds Castle Dog Collar Museum
Everyone loves their pets. A pet museum might be interesting, but a museum dedicated to dog collars, not so much. The Leeds Cast Dog Collar Museum, located in London, offers more than 100 specimens that range from Medieval times to the Victorian Age.

Burlesque Hall of Fame
Located between Los Angeles and Las Vegas on Route 66, the Burlesque Hall of Fame features burlesque displays and holds annual fundraising events for a wide audience. Their mission is to inspire, educate and entertain the public, fostering an understanding of the history and heritage of classic burlesque, including the art, artifacts, and personal histories of its brightest stars.

Photo of the Day: Twilight is Full of Cock

Seven Bizarre Sex World Records

World's Largest Penis - 13.5 inches
Jonah Falcon holds the record for largest penis, measuring at 13.5 inches (34 cm) in length and 6.25 inches (16 cm) in circumference...and that's not even an erect penis.

World's Largest Vagina - 19 inches
Anna Swan (1846-1888) was born normal size, but began to grow at an astonishing rate, reaching a maximum height of 7'8" at the age of 19. On June 18, 1879, she gave birth to largest baby in history, weighing 26 lbs and measured 34 inches in length. The child did not survive the birth, but a cast was made and displayed at the Cleveland Museum of Heath. Normally, the head is the largest part of an infant's body, with this baby's head measuring around 19 inches (48 cm) in circumference.

World's Biggest Distance for a Jet of Semen - 18.75 feet
Horst Schultz actually holds the record for greatest distance (18.75 feet/6 meters), the greatest height (12.33 feet) and the greatest speed of ejaculation (42.7 mph).

World's Oldest Prostitute - 82 years old
Tai Pei is the oldest living, working prostitute at 82 years old. Chiu went into the business about 40 years ago, after a man she had lived with for two decades died. She stays in business by charging ten or twenty times less than other prostitutes.

World's Biggest Gang Bang - 919 guys in the same day
Lisa Sparxxx had sex with 919 guys in a single day, setting the world record during Eroticon 2004, a Polish convention that celebrates exactly what its title suggests, as part of the Third Annual world Gangbang Championship.

World's Longest Man Masturbation - 10 hours
Masanobu Sato attended the 2009 World Masturbate-a-thon held by the Center for Sex & Culture in San Francisco, and set the world record for longest session, by masturbating for 9 hours and 58 minutes. In 2008, he set the record with 9 hours and 33 minutes.

World's Strongest Vagina - Able to lift 31 pounds
Tatiata Kozhevnikova, a 42 year old Russian woman is able to lift 31 pounds (14 kilograms) worth of weights.