Showing posts with label Dog Faced Gremlin. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Dog Faced Gremlin. Show all posts

Thursday, January 27, 2011

Flashback: Zonks

For as long as I can remember, I was never a "cat person," I preferred the canine species to the feline species. Of course, that all changed three years ago when the big, giant, fluffy mammoth of  a cat named Zonks showed up on my lap.

Dirty Snatch (the ex's younger sister) was asked by a friend of hers to watch her cat for the weekend. Of course, Dirty Snatch didn't have a ride to her friend's house and asked me to take her. Former Owner, provided her with a litter box, food, and litter, along with a very adorable kitty who seemed to be lacking a cat carrier. Former Owner informs that she "doesn't believe in cat carriers" and puts the cat into the car. Like I said, at this point in my life I am not a cat person, which means that as soon as the cat gets into the car, whose lap does she get cozy in? You guessed it...mine. During the entire drive back to Dirty Snatch's house, the cat stays snuggled in my lap.

Before I continue, I would like to point out that Former Owner took really good care of her cat. She was well fed (but not obese), she was well groomed, and quite friendly. Over the course of the next three months, Former Owner never asked for the cat back. Apparently, she either forgot about the cat or the temporary situation in which Dirty Snatch was originally cat sitting became a permanent situation. During the next three months, Dirty Snatch stopped caring for the cat. Instead of feeding her cat food, she started feeding her frozen meatballs (which quickly became delicious snacks for her two dogs). She quickly lost weight, appearing emaciated and scared.

After three months with no contact from Former Owner, Dirty Snatch once again called me for help, this time wanting a ride to the pet shelter to drop the poor cat off. Honestly, I'm not even sure if Dirty Snatch even tried to contact Former Owner about the cat situation. Poor emaciated cat desperately needed a bath and a good meal, so I agreed to take her for the sheer reason that I was tired of watching them slowly starve the cat to death.

Once again, the cat climbs in my lap to snuggle during the ride to the animal shelter. It's almost like we were bonding over this driving time. She kept looking at me with these adorable, sad eyes during the entire drive. With my luck with this nasty family, we arrive at the animal shelter only to arrive an hour too late. It was closed.

Dirty Snatch's solution to this problem was to simply open the car door and let her out to roam the world. Personally, I wanted to open her door, toss her out into the cold, and drive off without her. Instead of abandoning the undernourished cat, I took her back to my apartment.

Her first order of business was to hide for the remainder of the day, only to come out of hiding after I filled a bowl up with lots food and bought her a litter box with fresh litter (Dirty Snatch, in her infinite wisdom threw out the cat's litter box). Later that night, when I was fast asleep, I woke up to my new favorite animal laying on my chest, purring like there was no tomorrow. Of course, when she realized that I had woken up she flew off the bed and darted underneath the bed for the remainder of the night and a good part of the rest of the day.

Zonks, as she is now known, has lived with me ever since. She drools when you pet her and purrs all of the time. She's allowed to eat whatever she wants, seeing that for that rough three month period she was barely eating. Her favorite food is waffles, which she occasionally steals off my plate.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

Dog Faced Gremlin

Beginning to think I dodged a bullet...

Dog Faced Gremlin
Left (2007)
Right (2011)

Monday, January 3, 2011

Urban Dictinary vs. Webster 1

What better way than to spend an evening, than to enter random words and phrases into Webster's Dictionary while Rachel realizes that she's working every holiday again this year. What the fuck people! Another year of dividing and conquering as we embark on another journey trying to squeeze visits with both families in half the amount of time. Don't worry though, she's off Groundhog Day, Abraham's Birthday, Cinco De Mayo (if she doesn't switch off for her birthday) and my personal favorite, the Chinese New Year's Eve. we are so skipping the Christmas tree this year and replacing it with one of those giant dragons.

Obviously, most of the words I searched for do not appear in the dictionary. Perhaps I should reevaluate my resolutions and make my new goal to add words to the dictionary. How do you go about doing so?

Anyway, enough of the tangent more of the goods. I entered each of the following words into the search engine and Webster attempted to help me find a better spelling suggestion. Since Webster obviously failed me, I decided to find the definition using Urban Dictionary, a place where you can find the proper definition to ass clown or needle dick.

Ass Clown - one, who, through no fault of his parents conception, is a skid mark in society's collective underwear.
Did you mean: scallion, scullion, Ashqelon, ash can, slowdown, set down
The looser calling my tech support hotline is a real ass clown.

Fuck Tart - The solid state of vaginal excretions that are expelled during a queef.
Did you mean: folk art, futurity, factorage, filtrate, facture, factory, Fugard, factorial, fucker, factor, flatcar, futuro, aftercare
I asked for a toaster strudel and she gave me a fuck tart.

Text-hole - Someone who texts on their cellphone in really inappropriate places, like movie theatres, conerts, plays or during sex.
Did you mean: textile, textual, Tuxtla, texte, totalize, The Delta
We were humping away, and she started texting her friend. She was a certified text-hole.

Dog Face Gremlin - A really ugly girl you pick up at a bar when you are in a slump and just want some ass.
Did you mean: They couldn't fix this word. Silly Webster. I think you got egg on your face.
Steve and James got shitfaced at the bar last night and slump busted with a couple of dog faced gremlins.

Sausage Fingers - A person with short, chubby, fat fingers.
Did you mean: Webster failed me again on this one.
That chick over there's got some big sausage fingers. 

Chub Rub - When the skin between a fat person's thighs rubs together while walking causing a mild irritation between their legs.
Did you mean: Cuba libre, clubroot, colubrid, cupboard, clubber
I thought that chicken head had some cooties but it was a mad case of chub rub.

Stinky Dick - To have sex with two different girls without washing, usually without the second one knowing.
Did you mean: sitting duck
I'm not sure she would have blown me if she'd known I had stinky dick.

On a personal note, Momma Dukes loves calling Dave "Stinky Dick." For the past few years, that's the only name she has referred to him by. Perhaps, all these years she has been giving me subliminal messages that my father was a cheater...


Sunday, December 19, 2010

Dog Faced Gremlin

I haven't talked about the Dog Faced Gremlin on my blog, and for good reason (she's a soul sucking leech that deserves a life of misery). For those who don't know, the Dog Faced Gremlin is the nickname Bruce gave my ex-girlfriend after our breakup. It's one of those relationships that you hold your head down in shame that you even dated the person. Besides the Dog Faced Gremlin, the thing I formally dated has many other colorful names, such as Leech and the Whore from Hell.

I haven't seen her since the breakup, though Wissachickon and Diddy have run into her several times. Usually the encounter consists of Dog Faced Gremlin realizing they are in close proximity, and her turning around and running out the door. Momma Dukes saw the Dog Faced Gremlin, Dirty Snatch (her sister), and their obnoxious mother, Diarrhea Spleen at Target and was able to witness Diarrhea Spleen's credit card be denied at Target. I wish I was there to witness such an amazing scene of human failure.

Since I rarely see the skank, I revel when Wissachickon or Diddy run into her and make her extremely uncomfortable. I always find their stories entertaining, and the most recent event made me want to shit my pants in laughter. Wissachickon is a manager at Hot Topic, and has run into Dog Faced Gremlin several times over the last few years. On Wednesday, while completing a transaction with Random Douche-bag, she asked for his rewards card. Douche-bag responds to the question, that he doesn't have his card by he "has his girlfriend's card. Well she actually isn't my girlfriend, more like just the girl carrying my baby."

Random Douche-bag presents his rewards card to Wissachickon, and low and behold who's card is it...Dog Faced Gremlin's! To further confirm the story, I did some Facebook Stalking and was finally able to find the skank's aunt's blog, which had an entry posted about Dog Faced Gremlin peeing on a stick. Dog Faced Gremlin is pregnant with some form of mutant baby spawn/unbaptized baby that I enjoyed destroying in Dante's Inferno. 

I have the urge to do a happy dance.