The last week of school was quite strange. My week started out with me being sick over the weekend with what only be described as the "ew grossness" disease, and I decided to call out on Monday. I slept in til noon, checked my email (both google and GIS) and noticed an email from the superintendent's secretary who wanted to schedule an interview for the gifted and talented position. Superintendent, with all his infinite wisdom and timing, wanted the interview for that day.
I dragged myself out of bed, responded to the email (by phone call not email) and showered. I was determined not to make the same mistake as the last interview so I prepared myself. I answered all the questions with honesty and sincerity, which obviously bit me in the ass.
Tell me about yourself, and why I should hire you?
Well, I'm a superhuman cyborg from Earth,who enjoys long walks on the beach, cuddling, and romantic dinners with my girlfriend. I also enjoy bathing regularly, sometimes twice a day if it's the middle of the summer and I've been sweating. I'm a fan of cake and Oreo cookies.
Why should you hire me? You should hire me because I'm cute, especially in this fabulous pink shirt I'm wearing today. Please take note that my shirt has been tucked into my pants.
Identify a recent experience that you thought needed to be improved. How did you go about it? Were you successful? Why or why not?
When I came home from a busy day yesterday, I noticed our apartment was a little messy. There was a large pile of dishes, clumps of cat fur from my fluffy cat, laundry, and the litter needed to be changed. I knew that I needed to change this situation, preferably prevent it from happening again, so I decided to enroll in a wizardry school. I tried to apply to Hogwarts, but apparently it's a fictional place. Fictional means not real. Apparently, wizards aren't real either. Which is sad, because I think I would make a fantastic wizard, plus I would look fantastic in wizard robes. I even have my very own wand already.
How would you use technology to assist you in teaching students? How would your students use technology in your classroom.
Why do you even bother asking me this question? Intermediate School...technology? That would be like asking a seal how he enjoys eating lions, it just doesn't happen.
What do you think teachers require to be more effective?
Wizarding skills would definitely make a teacher effective, but we already discussed the fact that wizards are fictional characters. Again, that means they are made up...imaginary...complete fantasy. Why are you giving me that weird look? You look like your going to take a dump in your pants. If your not going to take this interview seriously, then I'll leave and report you the mean police.
As I was saying, teachers would be more effective if they had wizarding skills but since they don't, the next best thing would be ninja skills. Ninjas have a way with their hands and teachers could apply those skills to unruly students. What teacher wouldn't love to be able to grab a students shoulder and turn them into adorable sleepy-heads!?
How would you handle a student who frequently disrupts class?
Bullet to the head. Don't worry, my uncle has an unfinished basement with several shovels. Chances are nobody would miss the students, since the school would be a lot more quiet.
What would you say to your students on the first day of school?
Welcome to hell. Please take your seat, shut your mouth, and listen to my directions.
How do you get a feel for what students are thinking?
Well, I guess you could infer on their facial expressions, though that would be a tremendous amount of work. Perhaps you could simply ask them. I mean, why go through all the trouble of going through the scientific process to find out how a kid is feeling, when it's as easy as asking Little Johnny Rocket how he's doing on a problem.
I think that wraps up our interview. Do you have any questions for us?
First off, who the hell is us, when it's just you and me in the room? Do you have one of those fancy microchips in your head? Is it under that strange wig you wear? Can I touch your wig? I've always been fascinated by wigs, perhaps you would let me try it on?
Needless to say...I didn't get that job either...
Showing posts with label unemployment. Show all posts
Showing posts with label unemployment. Show all posts
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Applications
This past week, I've been searching for a teaching job in Jersey. Since school districts are beginning to get sneaky about advertising their jobs, the process of searching for jobs is very time consuming. First, I have to go NJ School Directory site, which lists every school district (by county) in New Jersey and provides their web address. Then I have to visit each individual school district and find their Jobs/Employment Opportunities page on their site, and see what is available. Wednesday night, I found the following jobs:
My printer decided the last line of each address wasn't very important and failed to print the city, state, and zip code for all seven packages.
WTF...
Needless to say, my easy morning quickly turned into a little more work than anticipated, but all of my applications have been mailed and will be at their destination by Monday morning. Hopefully by Tuesday they will start calling.
- Clearview Regional High School - Middle School English Teacher
- Deptford Township Schools District - Middle School Social Studies Teacher
- Pitman School District - Fourth Grade Elementary Teacher
- Westville School District - Fourth Grade Elementary Teacher
- Pittsgrove Township School District - Middle School Math Teacher
- Barrington School District - Middle School Math Teacher
- Vineland School District - Middle School Language Arts Teacher
My printer decided the last line of each address wasn't very important and failed to print the city, state, and zip code for all seven packages.
WTF...
Needless to say, my easy morning quickly turned into a little more work than anticipated, but all of my applications have been mailed and will be at their destination by Monday morning. Hopefully by Tuesday they will start calling.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Unemployment 1
First, I would just like to take a minute and say that some people have no sense of humor. How can you go through life with no sense of humor?
**********
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I’m going to be serious tonight. When I was in high school, I decided (with much coercion from my mother) that I was going to apply to Rowan as a history major/education major. My original plan was to teach history to either middle school or high school students. When I was filling out the application, there was a small box at the bottom of the paper for “Collaborative Education,” a new program at Rowan designed for the next generation of teachers - certification and degrees in Special Education in Elementary Education. Only 30 people were accepted into the program each year, and my mother encouraged me to check the box. I really had no interest in the program, but figured ‘what the heck, I check the box off to make her happy. I won’t get in since they only accept 30 people out of hundreds of applications.’
I was wrong. Even with my mediocre grades in high school, I managed to get into the program. After being miserable for the next 5 years, I graduated with a Master’s in Collaborative Teaching and Bachelors in both Collaborative Education and American Studies. I later became highly qualified to teach Middle School Math, Language Arts, and Social Studies. I started working as an instructional aide/math teacher, then later became a math teacher at the Intermediate School. I now have a combined total of 5 years of teaching experience along with another 5 years of schooling in education.
If you look at my job on paper, you would think I had it easy:
*My day starts at 7 in the morning and ends at 2 in the afternoon. I don’t have to come in earlier than the kids and I’m allowed to leave when they are dismissed.
*I have an hour prep each day plus a 30 minute lunch.
*I have summer’s off along with all major holidays. I also get a week off for Christmas, and roughly a week off for Spring Break.
However, when you look at my job responsibilities you won’t think it’s so easy:
*I’ve never come to work at 7 in the morning, I’m there early every day. I set up my classroom (go over my lesson plans, make sure that I have copies of everything I need, write the objective/itinerary for the day) and clean up from the CCD class that used my room the previous night.
*I’ve never once left at 2 pm. I have students stay after for extra help, detention, after school clubs, papers to grade, lesson plans to create, phone calls to make, and meetings to attend.
*My day never runs smoothly. My day never runs smoothly. In the last three years, I’ve had calculators, textbooks, and pencils thrown at me. I’ve had students tell me to “suck their dick” or “I don’t have to listen to you because your gay.” On a weekly basis, I have parents emailing me about their sons grades/behavior in class. Usually dealing with the parents is more stressful than having to dodge a calculator, because they are ruthless.
*Countless nights of bringing home papers to grade, quizzes/tests to create/
*Of course there are also the other responsibilities that come with being a teacher: staff meetings, dress codes, observations, meetings with parents, meetings with administration, organizing and planning school events, chaperoning school trips…the list goes on and on.
My goal was never to go into education “because of the money.” In fact, I wasn’t even aware of the starting salary for a teacher when I started school. I wanted to become a teacher because I liked kids. I liked introducing students to new concepts.
In less than two weeks, I will be loosing my job because I don’t have tenure. I have been given the opportunity to teach second grade for the summer within the district, which only delays the inevitable. I’ve done an amazing job at GIS, my fellow colleagues love working with me and principal and vice principal believe that I am an asset to the school system. It doesn’t matter how hard I worked. It doesn’t matter how many hours of my own time I've put into my job. I’m being laid off for only one reason - tenure.
**********
Now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I’m going to be serious tonight. When I was in high school, I decided (with much coercion from my mother) that I was going to apply to Rowan as a history major/education major. My original plan was to teach history to either middle school or high school students. When I was filling out the application, there was a small box at the bottom of the paper for “Collaborative Education,” a new program at Rowan designed for the next generation of teachers - certification and degrees in Special Education in Elementary Education. Only 30 people were accepted into the program each year, and my mother encouraged me to check the box. I really had no interest in the program, but figured ‘what the heck, I check the box off to make her happy. I won’t get in since they only accept 30 people out of hundreds of applications.’
I was wrong. Even with my mediocre grades in high school, I managed to get into the program. After being miserable for the next 5 years, I graduated with a Master’s in Collaborative Teaching and Bachelors in both Collaborative Education and American Studies. I later became highly qualified to teach Middle School Math, Language Arts, and Social Studies. I started working as an instructional aide/math teacher, then later became a math teacher at the Intermediate School. I now have a combined total of 5 years of teaching experience along with another 5 years of schooling in education.
If you look at my job on paper, you would think I had it easy:
*My day starts at 7 in the morning and ends at 2 in the afternoon. I don’t have to come in earlier than the kids and I’m allowed to leave when they are dismissed.
*I have an hour prep each day plus a 30 minute lunch.
*I have summer’s off along with all major holidays. I also get a week off for Christmas, and roughly a week off for Spring Break.
However, when you look at my job responsibilities you won’t think it’s so easy:
*I’ve never come to work at 7 in the morning, I’m there early every day. I set up my classroom (go over my lesson plans, make sure that I have copies of everything I need, write the objective/itinerary for the day) and clean up from the CCD class that used my room the previous night.
*I’ve never once left at 2 pm. I have students stay after for extra help, detention, after school clubs, papers to grade, lesson plans to create, phone calls to make, and meetings to attend.
*My day never runs smoothly. My day never runs smoothly. In the last three years, I’ve had calculators, textbooks, and pencils thrown at me. I’ve had students tell me to “suck their dick” or “I don’t have to listen to you because your gay.” On a weekly basis, I have parents emailing me about their sons grades/behavior in class. Usually dealing with the parents is more stressful than having to dodge a calculator, because they are ruthless.
*Countless nights of bringing home papers to grade, quizzes/tests to create/
*Of course there are also the other responsibilities that come with being a teacher: staff meetings, dress codes, observations, meetings with parents, meetings with administration, organizing and planning school events, chaperoning school trips…the list goes on and on.
My goal was never to go into education “because of the money.” In fact, I wasn’t even aware of the starting salary for a teacher when I started school. I wanted to become a teacher because I liked kids. I liked introducing students to new concepts.
In less than two weeks, I will be loosing my job because I don’t have tenure. I have been given the opportunity to teach second grade for the summer within the district, which only delays the inevitable. I’ve done an amazing job at GIS, my fellow colleagues love working with me and principal and vice principal believe that I am an asset to the school system. It doesn’t matter how hard I worked. It doesn’t matter how many hours of my own time I've put into my job. I’m being laid off for only one reason - tenure.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
The Interview
Last week, I went on my first interview in 3 years at a middle school. It was a position that was identical to my current position, so I figured that I would breeze through the interview with no problem. Well apparently I was very wrong. I got the dreaded phone call yesterday, that they "were sorry, but we found a better canidate to fit out needs."
What does that even mean? I could understand if for the last decade I worked at McDonald's as a janitor and interviewed for the CEO of the Dress Barn. Then I would understand if Dress Barn left me a message that they "found a better canidate to fit our needs." But this isn't a position for the CEO of Dress Barn, it was a position identical to my own position.
Then I realized where I went wrong...the interview questions!
First, tell us a little about yourself.
Well, I'm a super human cyborg from the planet Earth. I bathe regularly, sometimes twice a day when its hot and I'm a sweaty mess. I like to eat cheese sticks, especially the cheese sticks that are mozzarella and cheddar that are swirled together. I'm pretty down to earth, except in the middle of the night when I wake up and think there is an alligator under the bed, then I start to freak out like a five year old child. One time I stuck a Q-tip into my ear to far and my mom almost had to take me to the hospital.
How do you teach kids to utilize higher-order thinking skills in your classroom?
That's quite easy. I've placed 13-14 cinder blocks under each student's desk to raise their desks higher. This increases the speed at which the process information in their pea-sized brains.
What would you do if a student wasn't handing her homework on a regular basis?
First off, who says the student is a female? What, do males never miss assignments? I think this question is quite sexist, next question please.
A student throws a pencil across the room. What do you do?
I would give the student the pencil back, and tell him to aim better.
A parent writes a note and tells you that their daughter could not complete their homework assignment because she had a dance recital the night before. What do you do?
I would demand a copy of the dance recital on either VHS or DVD as proof of this alleged "dance recital". Then I would give the student a zero for the assignment because they were frolicking around in fancy dresses and have the rest of the class point and laugh at them.
Describe a gifted student.
A gifted student is a student that wears a fancy bow to school. They usually wear abnormally crinkly clothes to school and lots of ribbon on their shoes. In general, they are the wierd kids that are picked on being too smart.
Describe the biggest challeng you've ever had to face.
Last week, I was walking to my car when a herd of penguins came running after me. Is that what they're called, herds of penguins? They came waddling at me with there small little feet and tried to eat my shoes. I had to run away, but I was carrying a lot of stuff with me, such as briefcase filled with papers and books and stuff that you carry in their briefcase. I was eating a cheese stick at the time, and it wound up falling out of my hands. Speaking of which, do you have any cheese sticks?
Name a book that you'd like to read to (or with) your students. Describe the book and tell why you chose it.
The dictionary. Definitely the dictionary. It has so many big words, such as dinosaur and cough and dough. Plus some of the words have pictures, just in case the little kiddies get confused.
I think that pretty much wraps up our interview. Do you have any questions for us this time?
Hold on, let me bust out my index card and do this the right way. First off, are you married?
Do you like to scuba dive?
When was the last time you ate an Eggo?
I've got a spot on the back of my leg that doesn't look right, would you like to look at it?
Can I get your digits?
I have a cat with leaky anal glands that stink of poo, what do you suggest I do?
I like your mom. Wait, that wasn't a question, more of a comment. A very true comment though. Tell her to give me a call.
And it's a wonder why I didn't get the job.
What does that even mean? I could understand if for the last decade I worked at McDonald's as a janitor and interviewed for the CEO of the Dress Barn. Then I would understand if Dress Barn left me a message that they "found a better canidate to fit our needs." But this isn't a position for the CEO of Dress Barn, it was a position identical to my own position.
Then I realized where I went wrong...the interview questions!
First, tell us a little about yourself.
Well, I'm a super human cyborg from the planet Earth. I bathe regularly, sometimes twice a day when its hot and I'm a sweaty mess. I like to eat cheese sticks, especially the cheese sticks that are mozzarella and cheddar that are swirled together. I'm pretty down to earth, except in the middle of the night when I wake up and think there is an alligator under the bed, then I start to freak out like a five year old child. One time I stuck a Q-tip into my ear to far and my mom almost had to take me to the hospital.
How do you teach kids to utilize higher-order thinking skills in your classroom?
That's quite easy. I've placed 13-14 cinder blocks under each student's desk to raise their desks higher. This increases the speed at which the process information in their pea-sized brains.
What would you do if a student wasn't handing her homework on a regular basis?
First off, who says the student is a female? What, do males never miss assignments? I think this question is quite sexist, next question please.
A student throws a pencil across the room. What do you do?
I would give the student the pencil back, and tell him to aim better.
A parent writes a note and tells you that their daughter could not complete their homework assignment because she had a dance recital the night before. What do you do?
I would demand a copy of the dance recital on either VHS or DVD as proof of this alleged "dance recital". Then I would give the student a zero for the assignment because they were frolicking around in fancy dresses and have the rest of the class point and laugh at them.
Describe a gifted student.
A gifted student is a student that wears a fancy bow to school. They usually wear abnormally crinkly clothes to school and lots of ribbon on their shoes. In general, they are the wierd kids that are picked on being too smart.
Describe the biggest challeng you've ever had to face.
Last week, I was walking to my car when a herd of penguins came running after me. Is that what they're called, herds of penguins? They came waddling at me with there small little feet and tried to eat my shoes. I had to run away, but I was carrying a lot of stuff with me, such as briefcase filled with papers and books and stuff that you carry in their briefcase. I was eating a cheese stick at the time, and it wound up falling out of my hands. Speaking of which, do you have any cheese sticks?
Name a book that you'd like to read to (or with) your students. Describe the book and tell why you chose it.
The dictionary. Definitely the dictionary. It has so many big words, such as dinosaur and cough and dough. Plus some of the words have pictures, just in case the little kiddies get confused.
I think that pretty much wraps up our interview. Do you have any questions for us this time?
Hold on, let me bust out my index card and do this the right way. First off, are you married?
Do you like to scuba dive?
When was the last time you ate an Eggo?
I've got a spot on the back of my leg that doesn't look right, would you like to look at it?
Can I get your digits?
I have a cat with leaky anal glands that stink of poo, what do you suggest I do?
I like your mom. Wait, that wasn't a question, more of a comment. A very true comment though. Tell her to give me a call.
And it's a wonder why I didn't get the job.
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