The last week of school was quite strange. My week started out with me being sick over the weekend with what only be described as the "ew grossness" disease, and I decided to call out on Monday. I slept in til noon, checked my email (both google and GIS) and noticed an email from the superintendent's secretary who wanted to schedule an interview for the gifted and talented position. Superintendent, with all his infinite wisdom and timing, wanted the interview for that day.
I dragged myself out of bed, responded to the email (by phone call not email) and showered. I was determined not to make the same mistake as the last interview so I prepared myself. I answered all the questions with honesty and sincerity, which obviously bit me in the ass.
Tell me about yourself, and why I should hire you?
Well, I'm a superhuman cyborg from Earth,who enjoys long walks on the beach, cuddling, and romantic dinners with my girlfriend. I also enjoy bathing regularly, sometimes twice a day if it's the middle of the summer and I've been sweating. I'm a fan of cake and Oreo cookies.
Why should you hire me? You should hire me because I'm cute, especially in this fabulous pink shirt I'm wearing today. Please take note that my shirt has been tucked into my pants.
Identify a recent experience that you thought needed to be improved. How did you go about it? Were you successful? Why or why not?
When I came home from a busy day yesterday, I noticed our apartment was a little messy. There was a large pile of dishes, clumps of cat fur from my fluffy cat, laundry, and the litter needed to be changed. I knew that I needed to change this situation, preferably prevent it from happening again, so I decided to enroll in a wizardry school. I tried to apply to Hogwarts, but apparently it's a fictional place. Fictional means not real. Apparently, wizards aren't real either. Which is sad, because I think I would make a fantastic wizard, plus I would look fantastic in wizard robes. I even have my very own wand already.
How would you use technology to assist you in teaching students? How would your students use technology in your classroom.
Why do you even bother asking me this question? Intermediate School...technology? That would be like asking a seal how he enjoys eating lions, it just doesn't happen.
What do you think teachers require to be more effective?
Wizarding skills would definitely make a teacher effective, but we already discussed the fact that wizards are fictional characters. Again, that means they are made up...imaginary...complete fantasy. Why are you giving me that weird look? You look like your going to take a dump in your pants. If your not going to take this interview seriously, then I'll leave and report you the mean police.
As I was saying, teachers would be more effective if they had wizarding skills but since they don't, the next best thing would be ninja skills. Ninjas have a way with their hands and teachers could apply those skills to unruly students. What teacher wouldn't love to be able to grab a students shoulder and turn them into adorable sleepy-heads!?
How would you handle a student who frequently disrupts class?
Bullet to the head. Don't worry, my uncle has an unfinished basement with several shovels. Chances are nobody would miss the students, since the school would be a lot more quiet.
What would you say to your students on the first day of school?
Welcome to hell. Please take your seat, shut your mouth, and listen to my directions.
How do you get a feel for what students are thinking?
Well, I guess you could infer on their facial expressions, though that would be a tremendous amount of work. Perhaps you could simply ask them. I mean, why go through all the trouble of going through the scientific process to find out how a kid is feeling, when it's as easy as asking Little Johnny Rocket how he's doing on a problem.
I think that wraps up our interview. Do you have any questions for us?
First off, who the hell is us, when it's just you and me in the room? Do you have one of those fancy microchips in your head? Is it under that strange wig you wear? Can I touch your wig? I've always been fascinated by wigs, perhaps you would let me try it on?
Needless to say...I didn't get that job either...
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