The Interview

Last week, I went on my first interview in 3 years at a middle school. It was a position that was identical to my current position, so I figured that I would breeze through the interview with no problem. Well apparently I was very wrong. I got the dreaded phone call yesterday, that they "were sorry, but we found a better canidate to fit out needs."

What does that even mean? I could understand if for the last decade I worked at McDonald's as a janitor and interviewed for the CEO of the Dress Barn. Then I would understand if Dress Barn left me a message that they "found a better canidate to fit our needs." But this isn't a position for the CEO of Dress Barn, it was a position identical to my own position.

Then I realized where I went wrong...the interview questions!

First, tell us a little about yourself.
Well, I'm a super human cyborg from the planet Earth. I bathe regularly, sometimes twice a day when its hot and I'm a sweaty mess. I like to eat cheese sticks, especially the cheese sticks that are mozzarella and cheddar that are swirled together. I'm pretty down to earth, except in the middle of the night when I wake up and think there is an alligator under the bed, then I start to freak out like a five year old child. One time I stuck a Q-tip into my ear to far and my mom almost had to take me to the hospital.

How do you teach kids to utilize higher-order thinking skills in your classroom?
That's quite easy. I've placed 13-14 cinder blocks under each student's desk to raise their desks higher. This increases the speed at which the process information in their pea-sized brains.

What would you do if a student wasn't handing her homework on a regular basis?
First off, who says the student is a female? What, do males never miss assignments? I think this question is quite sexist, next question please.

A student throws a pencil across the room. What do you do?
I would give the student the pencil back, and tell him to aim better.

A parent writes a note and tells you that their daughter could not complete their homework assignment because she had a dance recital the night before. What do you do?
I would demand a copy of the dance recital on either VHS or DVD as proof of this alleged "dance recital". Then I would give the student a zero for the assignment because they were frolicking around in fancy dresses and have the rest of the class point and laugh at them.

Describe a gifted student.
A gifted student is a student that wears a fancy bow to school. They usually wear abnormally crinkly clothes to school and lots of ribbon on their shoes. In general, they are the wierd kids that are picked on being too smart.

Describe the biggest challeng you've ever had to face.
Last week, I was walking to my car when a herd of penguins came running after me. Is that what they're called, herds of penguins? They came waddling at me with there small little feet and tried to eat my shoes. I had to run away, but I was carrying a lot of stuff with me, such as briefcase filled with papers and books and stuff that you carry in their briefcase. I was eating a cheese stick at the time, and it wound up falling out of my hands. Speaking of which, do you have any cheese sticks?

Name a book that you'd like to read to (or with) your students. Describe the book and tell why you chose it.
The dictionary. Definitely the dictionary. It has so many big words, such as dinosaur and cough and dough. Plus some of the words have pictures, just in case the little kiddies get confused.

I think that pretty much wraps up our interview. Do you have any questions for us this time?
Hold on, let me bust out my index card and do this the right way. First off, are you married?
Do you like to scuba dive?
When was the last time you ate an Eggo?
I've got a spot on the back of my leg that doesn't look right, would you like to look at it?
Can I get your digits?
I have a cat with leaky anal glands that stink of poo, what do you suggest I do?
I like your mom. Wait, that wasn't a question, more of a comment. A very true comment though. Tell her to give me a call.

And it's a wonder why I didn't get the job.