Interview - Round 2

The last week of school was quite strange. My week started out with me being sick over the weekend with what only be described as the "ew grossness" disease, and I decided to call out on Monday. I slept in til noon, checked my email (both google and GIS) and noticed an email from the superintendent's secretary who wanted to schedule an interview for the gifted and talented position. Superintendent, with all his infinite wisdom and timing, wanted the interview for that day.

I dragged myself out of bed, responded to the email (by phone call not email) and showered. I was determined not to make the same mistake as the last interview so I prepared myself. I answered all the questions with honesty and sincerity, which obviously bit me in the ass.

Tell me about yourself, and why I should hire you?
Well, I'm a superhuman cyborg from Earth,who enjoys long walks on the beach, cuddling, and romantic dinners with my girlfriend. I also enjoy bathing regularly, sometimes twice a day if it's the middle of the summer and I've been sweating. I'm a fan of cake and Oreo cookies.

Why should you hire me? You should hire me because I'm cute, especially in this fabulous pink shirt I'm wearing today. Please take note that my shirt has been tucked into my pants.

Identify a recent experience that you thought needed to be improved. How did you go about it? Were you successful? Why or why not?
When I came home from a busy day yesterday, I noticed our apartment was a little messy. There was a large pile of dishes, clumps of cat fur from my fluffy cat, laundry, and the litter needed to be changed. I knew that I needed to change this situation, preferably prevent it from happening again, so I decided to enroll in a wizardry school. I tried to apply to Hogwarts, but apparently it's a fictional place. Fictional means not real. Apparently, wizards aren't real either. Which is sad, because I think I would make a fantastic wizard, plus I would look fantastic in wizard robes. I even have my very own wand already.

How would you use technology to assist you in teaching students? How would your students use technology in your classroom.
Why do you even bother asking me this question? Intermediate School...technology? That would be like asking a seal how he enjoys eating lions, it just doesn't happen.

What do you think teachers require to be more effective?
Wizarding skills would definitely make a teacher effective, but we already discussed the fact that wizards are fictional characters. Again, that means they are made up...imaginary...complete fantasy. Why are you giving me that weird look? You look like your going to take a dump in your pants. If your not going to take this interview seriously, then I'll leave and report you the mean police.

As I was saying, teachers would be more effective if they had wizarding skills but since they don't, the next best thing would be ninja skills. Ninjas have a way with their hands and teachers could apply those skills to unruly students. What teacher wouldn't love to be able to grab a students shoulder and turn them into adorable sleepy-heads!?
How would you handle a student who frequently disrupts class?
Bullet to the head. Don't worry, my uncle has an unfinished basement with several shovels. Chances are nobody would miss the students, since the school would be a lot more quiet.

What would you say to your students on the first day of school?
Welcome to hell. Please take your seat, shut your mouth, and listen to my directions.

How do you get a feel for what students are thinking?
Well, I guess you could infer on their facial expressions, though that would be a tremendous amount of work. Perhaps you could simply ask them. I mean, why go through all the trouble of going through the scientific process to find out how a kid is feeling, when it's as easy as asking Little Johnny Rocket how he's doing on a problem.

I think that wraps up our interview. Do you have any questions for us?
First off, who the hell is us, when it's just you and me in the room? Do you have one of those fancy microchips in your head? Is it under that strange wig you wear? Can I touch your wig? I've always been fascinated by wigs, perhaps you would let me try it on?

Needless to say...I didn't get that job either...

The Interview

Last week, I went on my first interview in 3 years at a middle school. It was a position that was identical to my current position, so I figured that I would breeze through the interview with no problem. Well apparently I was very wrong. I got the dreaded phone call yesterday, that they "were sorry, but we found a better canidate to fit out needs."

What does that even mean? I could understand if for the last decade I worked at McDonald's as a janitor and interviewed for the CEO of the Dress Barn. Then I would understand if Dress Barn left me a message that they "found a better canidate to fit our needs." But this isn't a position for the CEO of Dress Barn, it was a position identical to my own position.

Then I realized where I went wrong...the interview questions!

First, tell us a little about yourself.
Well, I'm a super human cyborg from the planet Earth. I bathe regularly, sometimes twice a day when its hot and I'm a sweaty mess. I like to eat cheese sticks, especially the cheese sticks that are mozzarella and cheddar that are swirled together. I'm pretty down to earth, except in the middle of the night when I wake up and think there is an alligator under the bed, then I start to freak out like a five year old child. One time I stuck a Q-tip into my ear to far and my mom almost had to take me to the hospital.

How do you teach kids to utilize higher-order thinking skills in your classroom?
That's quite easy. I've placed 13-14 cinder blocks under each student's desk to raise their desks higher. This increases the speed at which the process information in their pea-sized brains.

What would you do if a student wasn't handing her homework on a regular basis?
First off, who says the student is a female? What, do males never miss assignments? I think this question is quite sexist, next question please.

A student throws a pencil across the room. What do you do?
I would give the student the pencil back, and tell him to aim better.

A parent writes a note and tells you that their daughter could not complete their homework assignment because she had a dance recital the night before. What do you do?
I would demand a copy of the dance recital on either VHS or DVD as proof of this alleged "dance recital". Then I would give the student a zero for the assignment because they were frolicking around in fancy dresses and have the rest of the class point and laugh at them.

Describe a gifted student.
A gifted student is a student that wears a fancy bow to school. They usually wear abnormally crinkly clothes to school and lots of ribbon on their shoes. In general, they are the wierd kids that are picked on being too smart.

Describe the biggest challeng you've ever had to face.
Last week, I was walking to my car when a herd of penguins came running after me. Is that what they're called, herds of penguins? They came waddling at me with there small little feet and tried to eat my shoes. I had to run away, but I was carrying a lot of stuff with me, such as briefcase filled with papers and books and stuff that you carry in their briefcase. I was eating a cheese stick at the time, and it wound up falling out of my hands. Speaking of which, do you have any cheese sticks?

Name a book that you'd like to read to (or with) your students. Describe the book and tell why you chose it.
The dictionary. Definitely the dictionary. It has so many big words, such as dinosaur and cough and dough. Plus some of the words have pictures, just in case the little kiddies get confused.

I think that pretty much wraps up our interview. Do you have any questions for us this time?
Hold on, let me bust out my index card and do this the right way. First off, are you married?
Do you like to scuba dive?
When was the last time you ate an Eggo?
I've got a spot on the back of my leg that doesn't look right, would you like to look at it?
Can I get your digits?
I have a cat with leaky anal glands that stink of poo, what do you suggest I do?
I like your mom. Wait, that wasn't a question, more of a comment. A very true comment though. Tell her to give me a call.

And it's a wonder why I didn't get the job.