When I leave the house, I make every attempt to not appear on People of WalMart, this includes showering at least once a day, brushing my teeth, applying deodorant, and making sure all of my clothes match (down to the underpants). I'm also a fan of smelling amazing, therefore I have a plethora of body sprays and colognes that I wear on a daily basis. I even occasionally apply lotion. My personal views on appearance are quite simple: if I were to run into a former friends, exs, or family, I want to look my best so that said individual cannot return to their circle of friends and gossip about my appearance.
I'm writing about personal hygiene due to the fact that over the last few weeks I have encountered individuals who seem to not have a care in the world what they look like (or how they smell). Hopefully the right individuals read this entry and take my advice to heart.
Size Does Matter
The size of your clothes matters (in both directions). Gentleman, if your pants are sagging to your knee caps, then that's a problem. I have grown up in a generation where baggy pants have become the social norm, which I have accepted. I'm even a fan of wearing baggy pants myself. However, this fashion trend has become excessive in the sense that some individuals wants to show off their entire package before anyone has a chance to even open it. I'm convinced, that the "baggier" a man's pants are the smaller their penis is. I dare you to take a look the next time you encounter a man who's pants are dragging to their knees. Chances are you will see absolutely no package because they have none.
I've recently also encountered an individual wearing clothes that were obviously way too small for their size. During a recent lunch with several friends, the individual in question stretched their arms behind their back, revealing what can only be described as a large gelatin mold. Their shirt stretched up way to high, revealing a jiggly chunk of skin that was whiter than Gerald's fur. Had their shirt actually fit appropriately, then all those eating lunch would not have felt like they had just went swimming with an ocean full of jellyfish.
Black is for Funerals and Goths
There are only two safe occasions that it is appropriate to wear all black: a funeral and if you are a teenage goth. I'll even toss you a bone and say that it is appropriate to wear all black to a concert (as long as said concert includes screaming and banging ones head up and down for an hour). It is not appropriate to wear black because your significant other has broken your heart, your pick-up truck broke down outside the 7-11, your parents are divorcing, or if you are having a tough time adjusting to the people you work with. If you find yourself in a sour mood, then wear a happy color, it may even make your day a little brighter. By wearing black in public, you are presenting yourself as an unhappy fuck and chances are nobody will want to socialize with you.
Mint Gum Does Wonders for the Breath
I think it is safe to say that everyone has encountered an individual who has the a case of bad breath and I'm not referring to a person who just ate tuna fish for lunch. I'm referring to the individual whose breath smells like they brushed their teeth with cat litter and gargled with a bottle of dog urine. Its so rancid that it singes the eyebrows off your skin. Breath so toxic that it could easily increase the hole in the ozone layer.
If your not going to spend the recommended time of brushing your teeth, (which is roughly 2 minutes), then at least chew a piece of gum here and there. I always have multiple packs of gum on hand for myself after meals, and I am always willing to share.
More importantly, do you really need to stand on top of me to have a discussion. If your not planning on whispering a secret to me, you really don't need to stand so close to talk. Haven't you noticed that each time you take a step forward, I take a step backwards? Haven't you ever noticed me offering you gum afterwards?
Sweaty Pit Stains
If your body emits mutant sweat then don't wear white, especially on hot days. More importantly, if you have a shirt that you have mutilated with your mutant sweat, don't wear it in public. Please?! I don't think there is anything worse than meeting up with an acquaintance who decided to dress themselves like a balding red neck whose been working on their pickup truck in their front yard all afternoon. When the sweat stains are turning brown and cake like, then it is time to retire the shirt.
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