Voldemort Tweets

A few months ago, I came across a list of Gary Busey Tweets from his Twitter account that made me want to soil my pants with laughter. It actually made me laugh so hard that I found myself suckered into starting a Twitter account with the sole purpose of following a half dozen random accounts for a quick pick me up after a long day. My recent favorite, has been Lord Voldemort. I know what your thinking, isn't he a fictional character? Apparently not, seeing that he has his own Twitter account and since it's on the internet, it has to be real. Right? The following is a list of some of his recent Tweets.

• Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all.
• "You can't judge a book by it's cover." What? Yes, you can. Isn't that the point? Judge it, and if it says 'Twilight' judge the reader too.
• Punxsutawney Phil is apparently a weather-predicting groundhog that says Spring is coming. Yet people don't believe in magic? WTF?
• People need to stop talking about "Edward Cullen" & start referring to him by his proper name: Sparkly Cedric.
• There is always a calm before the storm. So, that's when you should steal stuff. Then escape while everyone is  distracted by the storm.
• Why is contributing called "putting your two cents in." What you're adding is only worth two cents? You're useless. Shut up and go away.
• Yes, Helena Bonham Carter's wearing different colored shoes on the red carpet. You know why? Because evil does whatever the hell it wants.
• Yes, it's 1/11/11 or 11/1/11. Today is a new day to get things right. I have no doubt that everyone will manage to fuck it up though.
• Whose dumb-ass idea was it to let people drive cars? "Hey, here's an idea, let's put idiots in control of giant, speeding, metal boxes!"
• Bridges burned, lesson learned. What was the lesson? Burning shit is fucking fantastic.
• If you ever feel powerless remember you can take control of any situation. Just make everyone around you feel awkward. Instant power.
• Turns out Mondays in 2011 are the same as Mondays in 2010...they suck.
• There are pictures of Bieber groping Selena Gomez on a boat. Goodbye Cruciatus Curse. I just found a new way to cause physical pain!!
• "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." Yeah, and it's fucking useless the rest of the day.
• Natalie Portman is pregnant. Quick! Put the Darth Vader theme music in tweet form! Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dunnnn!
• If someone tells you that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" it really means you suck & nobody likes having to actually be around you.
• The US & Europe are being battered with snow & rain. Do you see what happens when you pretend Santa's more important than me. DO YOU SEE?!?
• I wish Death Eaters would stop accidentally touching their dark marks in the shower. This is starting to get awkward...
• It's Ralph Fiennes' birthday. There's something about him I really like. I can't quite figure out what it is...
• Everyone should set realistic New Year's goals. For example, my resolution is to continue being witty & devastating good-looking. Done.