Flashback: Adorable Staples Clerk

Date: November 2008 - January 2009


In November of 2008, I headed into Staples to pick up a few things I needed for my classroom. While perusing through the aisles, I spotted a woman like no other. Amazing eyes. Gorgeous smile. Buns of steal. (She's probably going to kill me for the last comment...but it was worth it). I attempted to talk to her, but suddenly found myself with a rare speech impediment that left my mouth paralyzed. I may have even grunted. In a moment of panic, I quickly picked up the first item I saw on the shelf (colored paper clips) and headed towards the register.

Over the course of the next two months, I would work up the courage to go and speak to Adorable Staples Clerk but the courage quickly faded the moment I walked through the doors. Instead, I wound up purchasing many unneeded school supplies and spending the rest of my night building up the courage to talk to this amazing person. The major problem was that my Gadar was completely off, which I blame on the fact that Adorable Staples Clerk was wearing a uniform. The uniform was throwing me off since everyone was wearing the same exact outfit. How was I supposed to figure out if she was gay or straight when everyone in the building was wearing their regulation Staples shirt with black pants.

Since I couldn't figure out the sexual orientation of this lovely lady, it caused great difficulty in starting a conversation. What happens if I struck up a conversation with her and she turned out to be straight? Or worse...married?

By the middle of January, I had began texting and emailing a very cute girl named Rachel. During one of the conversations, Rachel told me that she worked at the Staples. The same Staples where Adorable Staples Clerk worked. Upon further inspection, I realized that these two ladies were in fact...THE SAME PERSON!

It took months for me to finally come clean to Rachel about basically stalking the shit out of her while she was at work. Though, I didn't phrase it like that. More like: "How would you feel if I was dating two people at once, only that the two people were actually one person and I never got around to asking the other girl out?"