Emaciated Liverwurst Sandwich

Liverwurst is a strange meat that can be purchased at the deli department at your local grocery store. When the deli clerk cuts the liverwurst, they literally cut your meat with the wrapper still on it so that the liverwurst doesn't disintegrate before your very eyes. I'm pretty sure that liverwurst and cat food are in the same food group. I've been trying to research what is in liverwurst for the last 20 minutes, and all that I've found are the main ingredients are pork liver, meat, fat, and spices (ground black pepper, marjoram, allspice, thyme, ground mustard seed, or nutmeg). Liverwurst is literally 20% pork liver and 80% what the fuck. I was actually caught off guard that "meat" was listed as an ingredient. If I'm not mistaken, meat is a food group not an ingredient.

Rachel went to Wawa last week and purchased a junior liverwurst hoagie for around $3.00. Her sandwich consisted of two pieces of thinly sliced liverwurst. While I may find this strange substance inedible, Rachel seems to find liverwurst to be gold. To Rachel, liverwurst is the equivalent of eating prime rib. To only have two pieces of thinly sliced liverwurst on a sandwich is the equivalent to opening a fresh package of oreos and finding only one oreo in the box. It's just wrong.

Of course, Rachel didn't realize this until she went to eat her lunch at work. After unwrapping her sandwich as if it were a present on Christmas morning, she became extremely disappointed of the two thinly sliced pieces of liverwurst on her sandwich. She decided to complain, so she wrapped the emaciated sandwich up and ate the rest of her lunch. After work, she headed back to the liverwurst hating Wawa and talked to the store manager.

Pig Vomit, as I shall call the manager, was conveniently standing behind the deli counter. Pig Vomit explained to Rachel that a liverwurst sandwich receives 1.5 ounces of liverwurst on the sandwich.

Math Time!

Liverwurst costs $1.99 a pound
1.5 ounces = 0.10 lb
0.10 x 1.99 = $0.20

If you were to go into Wawa and ask for 1.5 ounces of liverwurst, it would cost you roughly about $0.20. Yet, if you want to buy a sandwich with liverwurst, it's going to cost you an extra $3.00. Hell, for $3.00 Rachel could have bought 1.5 lbs of liverwurst, ate her 1.5 ounces and then rubbed the remaining 14.5 ounces on her body as if it were perfume. A really gross meat perfume, but she would be able to do it.

Instead of jumping over the counter and attacking Pig Vomit with the puny, red coffee straws and pouring rancid milk all over her, she decided to be more mature and wrote a nasty comment on Wawa's website. The following is the complete letter Rachel received in the mail:

Dear RACHEL,
Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to provide us with feedback about your Wawa experience!


Our core purpose, "Simplifying our Customers's Daily Lives," reminds us of our dedication to providing you with the best experience each time you choose to patronize our Stores.


Because we consider your feedback critical to our success and to ensure we are meeting your expectations, your comments and suggestions are reviewed by management throughtout the organization every day. Therefore, we encourage you to provide us with the feedback we need to exceed your expectations.


Please feel free to let us know how we are doing at any time by contacting us through www.wawa.com. If you would like to speak to a Customer Service Specialist, please contact us at 1-800-444-WAWA.


Stop by and see us again soon!


Thanks again,
Wawa Customer Relations
1-800-444-9292


Time to dissect this interesting piece of shit letter:
Problem 1
Let me begin by addressing the way in which the letter is addressed. Obviously, this letter is sent out to anyone who fills out a customer service survey on their website, which becomes apparent by inserting Rachel's name in CAPITAL LETTERS. Her last name was on the letter, but for the sake of privacy, I omitted it from my blog.

Problem 2
Do you see the word "liverwurst" anywhere in this letter? I've read through it twice and I still haven't seen it. It's a pretty unique word, not as amusing to say as inebriated, but it's still unique. It's definitely not in the letter. In fact, the letter doesn't mention her complaint at all. It simply tries to tell customers that they are dedicated to their customers yet don't actually try to explain/fix the situation.

Problem 3
Enclosed in the letter, Rachel received two coupons: a coupon for a FREE 16 oz hot beverage and a second coupon for a FREE donut. Rachel spends $3.00 on a emaciated sandwich, and Wawa's solution is to send her two coupons with a value of about $1.50. Really! A free donut!

Problem 4
At the end of the letter, in very fine print, there is a brief reference to the problem which reads: "We are sorry that you weren't delighted with your Wawa visit and we would like to understand what happened so we can fix it. Please help us improve our customer service by filling out a brief survey at www.wawa.com/customerfeedback. Thank You!"

Which translates into:

"Even though you have already filled out our customer service feedback, which resulted in us sending you this generic letter, we would like you to go back to our website and complete the feedback form a second time."

Screw Wawa. I'll be joining Rachel's bandwagon and going to Heritage's from now on.