Awkward Wayne Moments

This week I walked into the faculty lounge to eat my breakfast before common planning, when I was treated to a sight that will forever permeate my brain cells, corrupting them with horrible thoughts. This was not the first time I had to constrain my arms to prevent them from removing my eyes with the pen I was holding.

This has not been the first awkward Wayne moment I've had and I'm sure it won't be the last either. I'm not quite sure how the man was hired in the first place. I honestly think he should be very far away from children of all ages because he creeps me the fuck out. I honestly wouldn't be surprised to find out that he's got an entire computer of kiddie porn or women peeing in a toilet (he seems like the urination fetish type). Before I continue with my favorite Wayne awkward moments, I think a basic description of Wayne needs to be written.

Wayne is a middle aged man who's probably between the age of 40 or 50 who appears to be the genetically engineered science project of Igor the mad scientist. I'm pretty sure (almost confident) that his mother is a pot bellied pig and his father was a horse, resulting in a robust, over stuffed watermelon with the mane of a horse. That may have been a little cruel, perhaps his mother wasn't a pot bellied pig, but how else can you explain the over stuffed watermelon shape.

Of course, being an over stuffed watermelon does not make a man. He also has a mane of hair that appears to be straw like. He usually wears in it in a pony tail that reaches to his butt crack. His hair is always in a pony tail. Always. There are times when I want to be brave and touch his hair to see if it has the texture of cooked spaghetti or straw, but quickly realize how disgusting that would be.

Wayne has a very selective wardrobe of three outfits: one pair of cream colored khakis that have become stained beyond repair. They have never been washed, which is evident by the black stains on the cloth leading into the pants pocket. Wayne also has three shirts, a purple polo shirt (which he just bought last year), a dull ocean blue color, and a second blue shirt that has a v-neck. 

Now it's time for the awkward moments:

Awkward Moment 1: I walk into the room to find Wayne playing with his stringy, straw like hair as if he were Fabio. He's running his chubby fingers through his hair, running them from the top of his scalp to the dead, split ends at the tip of his hair. He then runs his fingers underneath his hair, scratching at his dry scalp. Tiny particles of dandruff fall to his shoulder. He then flips his head over, moving all of his hair into his typical pony tail.

Awkward Moment 2: I'm eating lunch with Berman in the faculty lounge, seating myself across from the door. Halfway through my meal, Wayne walks into the room. There is a long table to the left of the door, where there are snacks to purchase to help fund the 7th and 8th grade class trips. Wayne stores his lunch box underneath the table, right next to the door. After Wayne walks into the room, he bends down to retrieve his lunch and that's when I nearly tossed up my entire lunch. There is a hole in his pants the size of a dinner plate located on his inner thigh. The hole is so bad that I can safely say that he is a briefs man and not the boxer type.

Awkward Moment 3: There is a long hallway on the north side of the building that leads to the gym and pathway to the Pancakes and Cantelope building (PAC). There is a "secret" hallway that leads to the science wing staircase that forks off of the long hallway. On my way to the PAC building this afternoon, I noticed Wayne lurking in the shadows of the science wing hallway. I continue my journey to the PAC building, paying Sausage Fingers no mind when I realize that he springs forward to talk to me, realizes that I don't ever talk to him, and turns around to lurk in the hallway once more. It was like he was hiding out, waiting for someone to walk past the science wing to start a conversation.

Awkward Moment 4: During my first full year at GIS I kept food in my drawer of my desk, usually granola bars, snack size chocolate bars, and lifesavers. Since I'm anemic, I keep food on hand to take my iron during the day. Towards the middle of the year, I wound up with a sinus infection and stayed home from school. Upon returning from my deathbed illness, I come to school to find all of my granola bars and lifesavers gone. Two boxes of Nutrigrain bars and an entire bag of Cherry Lemonade lifesavers were gone, vanished into thin air. I thought it was extremely odd that all of this food disappeared, but by the end of the day I finally had answers. During my last class of the day, one of my students informed me that Wayne ate both boxes of granola bars during fifth block math class. Two boxes of nutrigrain bars equals 16 granola bars. That's just gross. I really haven't been able to enjoy nutrigrain bars since.

Awkward Moment 5: A few days after finding out I was laid off, Miller and I were having a conversation in the faculty lounge during lunch about Chris Christie. Wayne was sitting at another table by himself being completely unsocial (which is a good thing) when he suddenly blurts out that he voted for Christie and would do so again. He then proceeds to go on a rant about the taxes he pays, teachers doing nothing, the lack of work/days he's been called in recently, etc. At that very moment, I realized how much of an insensitive, asshole Wayne was, providing justification to have free range on Wayne jokes.