Pretty Thing

This week, Mark decided to actually start work on the new apartment, and knock a couple of things out in our apartment at the same time. Our new apartment has been painted (a light shade of dead grass) and the old, rusted, nasty stove has been moved out of the apartment (I believe the new stove is in the garage). Mark also planned to replace the sink/vanity in our apartment due to a broken hinge. He’s on a spending spree, why fix the cabinet when you can just replace it?

Mark called Rachel on Wednesday night and left a message that the plumber would be in to replace the vanity the following day, but they never showed. Instead, he had the plumbers come out on Friday, which is my day off. How enthused do you think I was when I heard someone at the door Friday morning?

I was still in bed when someone knocked on the door. Since I was still sleeping, I was not in the proper attire to answer the door and needed to find appropriate clothes. Mark knocks on the door and literally gives it five seconds, before he unlocks it himself and allows himself in. We’ve been sleeping in the living room due to the heat, so I’m now stuck in the living room wearing barely any clothes and Mark roughly five feet away from him. Of course I tell him to give me a minute to find clothes, which I don’t even think he heard since he headed straight to the bathroom to start measuring stuff in there.

After finding a shirt and shorts, I head towards the bathroom to talk to Mark (and find out what the hell is going on). At this point, it’s about 930, and Mark tells me that the plumber will be here in about an hour to complete the work. They were already upstairs working on another sink/vanity, and when they were finished there they would be right down. Apparently in Mark’s world, it takes about an hour to replace an entire vanity and sink.

I didn’t want to jump in the shower out of fear that he would invite himself in again, so I brush my teeth and started playing video games. At about 11:30, Creepy Carl enters the apartment with his tools and asks if I minded if he left his tools here while they went out for lunch. I told him that it wasn’t a problem and went about my business. Moments after Creepy Carl leaves, Mikey Mullet arrives with his tools.

Before I continue, I need to explain the appearance of Mikey Mullet. Mikey Mullet is in his fifties with a full beer belly and THE most attractive mullet I have ever laid eyes on. Picture extremely short, gray hair at the top with a braided ponytail in the back. We’re not talking a rat tail, more on the lines of full head of hair in the back that has been braided.

Mikey Mullet decides that it would be extremely appropriate to A) call me “pretty-thing” and B) comment on my legs. After dropping off his tools, he asks me if I would like to bring my pretty face to lunch with them. What do you even say to that?

No thank you, I live here and have plenty of food.
I’m antisocial.
Only if I can play with your mullet?
No thank you. I have bad gas today.

Seeing that I was completely caught off guard, the only thing that came to mind was “No thank you.” How lame was that response? Definitely kicking myself in the ass on that one.

Mikey Mullet and Creepy Carl leave for lunch, but again as much as showering sounds like a great idea, I’m still nervous that Mark will invite himself in at any moment. Plus, I now have the obstacle course that the plumbers created by leaving their tools from one end of the hallway to the other. I kept having visions of getting out of the shower and tripping over a power cord or screwdriver and banging my head on a hammer, leaving me naked and unconscious for Mikey Mullet and Creepy Carl to find. Definitely no showering for me!

Mikey Mullet and Creepy Carl finally come back at one to work on the vanity. Really! An hour and half for lunch! I’m a little curious if Mark was being charged by the hour or the job. Mikey Mullet enters with the already built vanity. Again, he refers to me as “pretty-thing” and asks what I think of the new vanity, making a joke about no refunds. At this point, I’m honestly ready to hit the man in his nut sack with a bag of flour. What the hell does “pretty-thing” even mean?

For the next two and half hours, the creepy plumbers are in the bathroom and I’m counting down the minutes till Rachel comes home, so I don’t have to be in the apartment alone with Mikey Mullet any longer. Finally, rescue seems close when she calls on her way home from work (don’t worry, she has a fancy Bluetooth…no ticket for her). Only a half hour left with my new plumbing friends.

Of course, I want to tell her about Mikey Mullet, but can’t exactly talk about his AMAZING hair when he’s in the other room. I simply tell her that I can’t wait till she gets home so that she can see what I’ve been dealing with all day.

I honestly wish I had a way to picture Rachel’s face when she saw Mikey Mullet’s hair for the first time. It was combination of curiosity and amazement all at the same time. I’m actually debating on whether to grow my hair out in the same fashion.