Dr. Doom (The Fantastic Four)
More of a scientist than a medical doctor, Victor Von Doom is still not the guy you want to be in charge of managing your care. A power hungry megalomaniac, Doom spends his time cooking up evil schemes, hurting the innocent and generally being the best super villain he can be. Show up at his castle looking for a little TLC and you're likely to end up as either a pawn in some world conquering master plan, or at the very least on the wrong end of some unholy experiment. Even if he wasn't an inherently evil madman, one look at his iron mask should be enough to make even the most desperate sick person go back to the Yellow Pages. Worn to hide hideous scars he sustained in an experiment gone awry, the mask is proof positive that this guy doesn't have the first clue about medicine. Are you telling us that a super genius inventor, with degrees in just about every field there is, can come up with nothing better than a dirty old metal mask to hide his scars? Going to see Dr. Doom would be like going to see a barber with a bad haircut. Dumb.
Dr. Zoidberg (Furturama)
The resident sawbones for the folks on Futurama, Dr. John A. Zoidberg is a complicated character. On the one hand, he's a human-sized lobster from the year 3000. On the other hand, he's the worst doctor in the history of medicine. And that includes the guys who used to use leeches to cure everything. Lacking even the most rudimentary understanding of human anatomy, Zoidberg has difficulty telling men and women apart, has no idea what any of the major organs do, and frequently leaves his patients ten times worse than he finds them.
Even outside the office, Zoidberg's a terrible doctor. He's incredibly poor, eats out of garbage cans, and is frequently the target for all manner of physical and emotional abuse. When he does put someone under the kiife he generally butchers them. Every once in a hile he pulls of a successful head transplant, but for the most part he's just a lobster in a lab coat. Except a lobster in a lab coat would probably make a more accurate
diagnosis.
Doc Holliday (Tombstone)
No one's arguing that a visit to Doc Holliday wouldn't be cool. As played by Val Kilmer in the modern western Tombstone, Holliday is a heavy smoking, hard drinking, gambling badass who cracks the best jokes, gets the hottest women, and generally spends his day being the most awesome guy in the room. Unfortunately for anyone with a toothache, Holliday is also a dentist. He mostly makes his living playing cards and shooting people, only turning to dentistry when his poker luck runs dry. In the movie, he never once puts his hands into anyone's mouth. At least not for dental purposes. And lucky for them. You see, besides being a man of many appetites, Holliday also suffers from tuberculosis, a highly contagious fatal disease that causes its victims to cough controllably. Even in the Old West where most people's understanding of science was limited to "vampires hate garlic," people had sense enough to avoid seeing a dentist who frequently erupted into uncontrollable fits of coughing. No matter how charming he was.
Dr. Lecter (Silence of the Lambs)
Hannibal Lecter is well known for treating his patients more like groceries than people in need of care. Not only is he a psychotic cannibal who frequently murders and eats his patients, he's also kind of a snob. Most of the people he ends up sauteing came to him with mental health issues. But the "oh-so discerning" Lecter is easily bored by their bourgeois problems and like that other famous psycho, Bugs Bunny, can't help imaging them as giant turkey legs lying on his psychiatrist's couch. Sure, every once in awhile he'll spare someone if they're interesting, but if you book an appointment with Dr. Lecter odds are you end up the feature ingredient in his latest culinary creation. You should have known something was up when he prescribed garlic cloves and a spicy dry rub marinade for your depression.
Dr. Steven Brule (Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job!)
Of all the doctors on this list, Dr. Steven Brule from Tim and Eric Awesome Show, Great Job has to have the most suspect qualifications. Barely intelligent enough to carry on a basic conversation, Brule's glaring lack of understanding of the human body, basic social codes, and just about everything he comes into contact with do little to instill confidence in any potential patients. Despite the fact that he's reached a position of authority as a TV expert on health, Brule's "Rules' (his ridiculous health tips) usually involve nonsensical advise for problems totally unrelated to medicine. To top it off, Brule looks and dresses like someone who has never seen a mirror. With his thick glasses, wild perm, and as depressing brown and mustard colored wardrobe, he looks like he should be selling furniture in 1978, not dispensing medical advice.
Dr. Mindbender (G.I. Joe)
Dr. Mindbender loses points right away for the way he dresses. We know Cobra does things a little differently, but there's no reason for a licenses medical professional to show up for work wearing skin-tight purple pants, knee high boots, no shirt, a monocle, and a cape. It's just unprofessional. Sure, he's got a pretty good body, but come on buddy. Save it for the beach. Only an organization as lame as Cobra would hire a madman genius who specializes in mind control and is able to successfully clone an evil warlord from the DNA of history's greatest warriors, but doesn't own a shirt. Mindbender is also Cobra's chief interrogator, a position he achieved despite the fact that he looks like a Nazi trying to blend in at a gay pride parade. Seriously, how effective at drawing out secret information can he be? One look at this clown and even the wimpiest prisoner isn't going to crack, he's going to crack up laughing. For all his genius and mastery of the human mind, one question continued to plague Dr. Mindbender for his entire career. How do you torture someone who can't stop laughing?
Dr. Zaius (Planet of the Apes)
Among chimps, he's a well-respected, brilliant ape who is a leading figure in his society. His counsel is sought in the most serious matters and his wisdom is cherished by all who know him. Any sick gorilla would give his last banana to have Dr. Zaius on the case. Unfortunately for those of us who don't think termites are a healthy snack or throwing our own feces is the best way to make a point. Dr. Zaius is one evil monkey doctor. Incapable of seeing humans as anything more than a "pestilence" to be wiped out, Zaius' approach to human medicine involves too little compassion and way, way too much castration. Under his merciless care, Planet of the Apes hero Charlton Heston is tortured, experimented on, and eventually sentences to death. He escapes, but not before Zaius has done some serious damage to him. Providing once and for all that old saying is true: "No matter how well educated, respected, or esteemed he may be, never trust a damn dirty ape!"
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