Red Light Special

This past Wednesday, I was heading to Target in Turnersville and while I was sitting in the lane to turn left, Rachel called. I answered the phone and put it on speaker, but tucked the phone between my shoulder and window so that I could roll up my window to hear her better. Of course, a Washington Township cop would pull behind me and I quickly dropped the phone, and tried to kick the phone under my seat. As I’m making my left he follows me onto Tuckahoe Road and turns on his sirens, and I knew I was done for.

He walks up to my car and wants the usual license/registration/insurance, but doesn’t say a word as to why he’s pulling me over. Before I can even ask, he starts to grill me about why the car isn’t registered in my name. Instead of going into detail about why the car is registered under my mom’s name rather than mine, I just made up a quick story about my car being in the shop and I was borrowing my mother’s car. I finally get the chance to ask why I was being pulled over and he tells me that I was talking on my cell phone.

This is complete bullshit, considering I had the phone under my shoulder for a total of 3 seconds and the phone was under the seat 3 seconds later. There is no way this silly little man with a small penis could have seen for sure that I was talking on my cell phone. After telling me that he saw me on my cell phone, I told him that he must have been mistaken because I wasn’t on my phone. I couldn’t make the following up if I tried:

Small Penis Cop: Did you just make a left onto Tuckahoe Road?
Me: Yea.
Small Penis Cop: Then you were on your cell phone.

Wow! I was speechless and gave up. He then issues me the ticket, and when I ask him how much it’s for he says “I don’t know. Probably around $100.” How do you not know? You’re a subhuman traffic cop who pulls people over all day because you have a small penis and pulling people over makes you feel powerful. You not knowing the fine of the ticket, would be the equivalent of me not knowing how to grade papers or calculate grades.

Of course when I get home I look up the fine and it was definitely not “around $100.” A fine for talking on your cell phone while driving is $130. Of course the traffic fines didn’t stop there since the following day, my mom calls me about a ticket that was mailed to her house. Apparently, I didn’t come to a complete stop at a red light and the camera caught me. Since my car is registered under my mom’s name, the $85 ticket was sent to her house.