Wildlife

Mullica Hill lacks people, yet is over abundant in wildlife. In the last two years, I have encountered a fox in the parking lot, several deer walking between our parking lot and the lot next to us, a box turtle with only 3 legs (that Rachel would not let me keep), several feral cats (no surprise there), a hickory horned devil caterpillar, and an orb spider with a spider web the size of my car. I have been lucky to only encounter one snake, though it slithered over my foot (which is why I no longer wear flip flops to take out the trash).

In the last week, I have encountered my fair share of wildlife that has made me second guess my decision to stay in the farm lands of New Jersey. Last week, I went downstairs to finally do laundry in my own building. On my way back up the stairs, I alarmed a rather large bat like creature. Honestly, I thought it was a bat. It was flipping out and had me cornered on the porch, as it fluttered its wings trying to find a safe place to land. When it finally did land, I was quite surprised to find it wasn't a bat at all. It was a moth...the size of my hand. As soon as it landed, I slowly went inside to get Rachel, because I am not the only person that needs to encounter such a rare specimen. By the time we came outside, the moth had flown away to safety, not giving me the opportunity to take a picture of the bad boy before fleeing. After doing tons of internet research, I finally learned that the moth was a giant silk moth.

Giant Silk Spider

Comb Clawed Spider

Tuesdays mark trash night, which I haven't done in quite some time. Since I was determined to actually take out the trash this week (since nobody did it last week), I cleaned out the garage at the same time. There has been tons of stuff piling up in the garage since we moved in, and in the next week or so I have to bring home the remainder of my school stuff since I won't officially have a classroom and would rather not junk up a community classroom with my stuff. The first thing that went were the numerous spider nests near the door of the garage. The comb clawed spider have been a regular neighbor around here, at first their large bodies and scrawny legs were quite creepy, yet in the last year I have found them actually interesting to watch. There were several on our porch this spring, that I didn't disturb since they were making a buffet out of the stink bugs in the area. I didn't get rid of their nests until they started to lay egg sacks above the outside door and outside windows. I don't mind a few spiders having a buffet, but draw the line when they invite their friends and family to move into town. It was like low income housing for spiders out there.

After dispatching several nests and removing tons of broken crates, a set of Rubbermaid drawers that had become warped from the heat, math binders that had become infested with stink bugs and spiders (from the last move from school) and several other pieces of trash, I noticed not one, but two baby garner snakes slithering out of the garage. Apparently they had either tried to move in during my cleaning, or decided to move out before I had found them. I'm not completely sure how the hell they got in there, but I was not happy. In fact, I almost threw up due to my insane fear of snakes. 

After the snakes were gone (they slithered into the wooded area to keep the foxes, deer, possums, raccoon, and other mammal wildlife company) I reentered the garage to put several more items into place. During this time, I noticed a large, wasp like creature trying to carry a brown, fuzzy spider that was three times its size away. The spider was missing two legs and was already dead, but nevertheless, it still was creepy. I did what any sane person would do, I quickly emptied out a small container, and used the lid to slip the creature into the container. 

Wolf Spider...ew

After doing lots of research on the computer this evening, I have come to the conclusion that the spider was a rather large wolf spider. Wolf spiders are creepy in themselves due to their sheer size, but when you add in the fact that they are covered in fur and resemble a small tarantula they are quite unbearable. Rachel will probably have nightmares after I show her the dead spider (which is now residing on the porch in a smaller container). I'm pretty sure the spider was dead when I found it, though I wouldn't be surprised to find it crawling in the container when I go outside later.

I have seen several wolf spiders since moving to Mullica Hill, though none have been this large. Luckily they aren't poisonous, but they do have rather large fangs, which could probably cause a very painful bite.

In addition to the wolf spider, snakes, and comb clawed spiders, I also had to remove two huge worms that were the size of a fresh pencil and as thick as my little finger. They wiggled themselves into the garage just as I had turned around to leave. In fact, I almost stepped on one of them, which resulted in flipping out and attacking it with my shovel. As soon as I scooped the worm and flung him into the parking lot, I noticed another one trying to make its way into the garage. 

Needless to say...I hate Mullica Hill.

Hornets Nest Round Two

As you may know, there is currently a war going on at the Langmore between bees and myself. In a span of a few days, my sister had to destroy a wasp hive in our bedroom window and I destroyed two hornet hives on the front porch outside our window. After killing what I thought were the last two hornets, I thought the war between the two sides was over, but I was wrong.

Apparently, more than two hornets had survived the hornet genocide. After posting my entry on the hornet nest, I went outside to clean up the dead bees and knock down the two hives on the porch. While cleaning up, I noticed two more hornets had returned and were trying to build a third hive within a few inches from the previous two hives. Are you kidding me?!

I took my broom and killed the two hornets and swept their tiny, little hornet bodies with their comrades, pushing everyone off the porch and into the flower bed below. I thought that I had finally gotten rid of the hornets permanently.

Of course, I was mistaken. While heading out to the grocery store the next day, I noticed a single hornet trying to make a hive within a few inches of the third hive. What is wrong with these silly little insects? Why would you continually attempt to make a hive in the same spot? It doesn't make much sense to me.

While out, Rachel and I bought more Raid (can #3 at this point) and when I got home I sprayed the new hive, along with the entire porch near our apartment. Of course, the lone hornet fell to the ground, after receiving a deathly dose of insect genocide spray. You would have thought that would have taken care of the problem, but it didn't.

Today, Rachel and her dad rehearsed for the performance at Albert Hall next month, and on our way out to dinner we noticed that two hornets had returned and were desperately trying to make a new hive.

What...the...fuck...

After dinner, I used the remainder of the insect genocide spray to kill the three hornets that were now on the porch. Apparently, they called a friend to join them in their death. There wasn't much in the container left, enough to make the hornets fall to the ground but they were still spinning around on their backs. I would have felt bad for them, had they not been trying to make a fourth hive on the porch.

Dear Hornets,
Please get the hint and stop making hives on our porch. Living so close to our window is quite uncomfortable, because you have pointy stingers. I do not want to be stung, nor do I want to commit hornet genocide on a daily basis. Is there no where else you can make home? Please, spread your wings and fly away.
Sincerely,
The Hornet Killer

P.S. Can you take the spiders with you?

Internet Favorites

Crap at My Parents House
Walking into my grandparents house is like walking into a timewarp into the sixth dimension of strangeness. In the yard alone you will find a Pillsbury refrigerator unit, an old washer, a tire painted red, white, and blue with an American flag, several old ceiling fan/light fixtures, a creepy statue of a boy kissing a dog, another statue of a woman carrying a pole across her back with a bucket on each side, and a hoe (which usually sits in the corner of the yard). I always wondered if my grandparents were the only people with such random objects in their possession, but I have been proven wrong. Similiar to the format of Awkward Family Photos, Crap at My Parents House, allows people to submit photos of random objects found in their parents house.

Failbook
Failbook is a collection of status updates, comments, and postings found on Facebook. Postings range from people commenting on relationship status to foul mouth kids posting inappropriate status updates and forgetting their parents are on there friend list. Some of the posts are realistic, but I'm honestly not quite sure how real any of them are. They may or may not be fake, but they are still enjoyable to read.

Shit My Kids Ruined
When we were growing up, my mom had a shelf above the couch with assorted nicknacks, such as statues of birds and bears. There may have even been some fancy, decorative plates, but I was too young at the time to remember what was exactly on the shelf. While Mom and her friend Vince were talking at the table, I decided to jump on the couch. Mom kept warning me to stop and of course I didn't. In fact, I decided to be even more bold and try to do a pull up using the shelf. Instead of doing a pull up, I successfully pulled the shelf onto the floor, showering the myself with tons of heavy objects. I destroyed everything on the shelf without getting a scratch on myself. Of course, this was in the mid 80's, before Shit My Kids Ruined, a site developed as a way to vent about stuff children have broken. The site includes kids destroying a box of tampons to taking a sharpie marker to the fridge, floor, walls, sofa, little brother/sister, family pet, etc.

Sample Graph from Graph Jam

Graph Jam
Have you ever wondered what a bar graph would look like for topics such as "Level of Freaking Out After a Scary Movie" or the "Skills I Learned as a Kid"? How about a pie graph on the "Perfect Habitat According to Spiders"? Graph Jam provides just that, along with countless other random topics ranging from video games to gay marriage.

Aimless Inquisition

Q: How much toilet tissue from the roll should you use each time?
A: As much toilet tissue that you think you should need.

Q: What is behind the green grass door?
A: A very tiny bathroom designed for ants. If the door is closed, then you should not disturb the ant behind the door. They are doing their business.

Q: How many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?
A: Who shingles a dog house with pancakes? If you shingled a dog house with pancakes it would attract birds. Birds enjoy eating pancakes, therefore the birds would eat the pancakes you would use to shingle the house, defeating the purpose of shingling the dog house to begin with.

Q: When drawing names out of a hat, are you supposed to use a baseball cap or a top hat?
A: It depends on the reason as to why you are drawing names from a hat. If you are arranging place settings for a wedding reception then you should use a top hat, but if you are choosing members for a team or game, then you would use a baseball cap.

Q: Does a man-eating shark eat women too?
A: Man-eating sharks only eat men. That is why they are called man-eating sharks. Sharks are sexist creatures and prefer the taste of men to women.

Q: Is James Hennings a snowman?
A: James Hennings was the name of a snowman who was created a very long time ago. He wasn't very popular because he was a snowman and brought no major contributions to society. In fact, he was made by a child who later also made no major contributions to society.

Q: Why is the severity of the itch inversely proportional to the reach?
A: When you have an itch you itch it, however when you can't reach it then it becomes more difficult to itch the scratch, therefore increasing the severity of the itch.

Q: Do ants poop?
A: Ants poop on tiny toilets located behind the green grass door. The only use a small portion of one sheet of paper, since there little ant hands are tiny.

Q: Why do socks always disappear?
A: I guess I should finally confess and apologize for making socks disappear. I enjoy making sock puppets, and when you are not home I like to steal your socks.

Q: What is asdf?
A: Alfredo sauce doesn't float.

Q: Do polar bears drink Coke?
A: Obviously polar bears drink Coke. They do in the advertisements for Coke. Do you think a company would falsely advertise their products?

Q: How do you fry your pants so that you can eat them?
A: First take a skillet or pan and add olive oil to the pan. Set the pan on the stove and turn the burner to medium/high. Allow the oil to become hot and then add the pants. You should make sure you have removed anything from the pockets of the pants first, or the taste of the pants will be tainted by the contents of your pockets.

Q: Would you starve to death if your elbows bend the other way?
A: If your elbows bent the other way then chances are your head would be positioned a different way also. Humans would look a little goofy with their arms and heads facing the other way though, plus it would be difficult to walk in a straight line due to the fact that back of your head would be facing the direction you are working. Chances are, your legs would probably be on the opposite side of your body too.

Q: What would you get if you bred a wookie with a smurf?
A: Actually, wookies and smurfs have bred in recent years, but it depends on which in the relationship is male or female. If the female is a wookie and male a smurf, then the offspring would have blue skin and a tons of facial hair whether they are male or female. On the other hand if the female is a smurf and the male is a wookie, then you will breed a Snookie.

Q: Is it illegal to steal a snowman?
A: It is not illegal to steal a snowman, however it is probably not the wisest choice to make in your life. If you steal a snowman, then you will need a large truck bed to put the snowman into. It would be a lot of work, between lifting the snowman from the ground and into the truck, and chances are you would most likely be caught by someone. It would be much easier to simply destroy the snowman instead of stealing it. An even better idea would be to make your own snowman.

Q: Do spiders fart?
A: Spiders farts are quite stinky. They smell like a combination of old house and raw sausage. It's not a good combination. On a positive note though, spiders do not fart in front of people. Even though they appear to be creepy, they are actually very polite creatures.

Q: If zombies were to attack where is the safest place to hide?
A: The first step in protecting yourself against zombies is to dress like a zombie. Once you have the wardrobe down, start to moan and throw your arms out. As an added bonus, cry for brains. Since zombies are not intelligent, they will believe you are a zombie and will not bother you.

Q: Does a wolf have enough lung capacity to blow down a straw house?
A: Of course wolves have the lung capacity to blow down a straw house. They do a lot of huffing and puffing, but it doesn't take much to blow down a straw house. If the wolf is standing close enough to the straw house, then they could easily blow the house down by exhaling through their nose.