Pentatomoidea

About a year ago, the state of New Jersey became infested with Pentatomoidea, better known as the stink bug. These tiny little fuck-tarts have glands in their thorax which produces a foul smelling liquid to deter potential predators or when they are handled carelessly. The myth that stink bugs stink when you squished them is actually wrong. The fuck-tarts release their foul smelling liquid moments before they are squished, when they realize that their puny internal organs are about to squeeze out of their eye sockets.

During the fall, our apartment building became infested with stink bugs. The fuck-tarts were everywhere. At first, Gerald thought stink bugs were fun and he would go chasing after them and smacking them across the apartment. The problem was, that the fuck-tarts released their stinky butt juices in the apartment, leaving a foul, musky, rotting fruit smell that was quite nauseating to walk into. As quickly as I was flushing them down the toilet, another ten would appear from thin air to replace their fallen comrade.

War was declared between the Human Inhabitants and the Stink Bugs. I should define Human Inhabitants as solely my responsibility to rid our habitat of the rancid ass-turds, since Rachel squirmed and ran away from them with her arms flailing. After a week into battle, I quickly found the location of their entrance, they had laid eggs in our window. Hundreds of rancid bugs covered our window, sneaking into the apartment through a small crevice between the window and the exhaust fan in the window.

I took a large freezer bag and a Kleenex tissue (I sure as hell wasn't going to pick any of the fuck-tarts up with my bare hands) and began to grab the bugs from the window and place them into the bag. The bag quickly filled up with rancid creatures who began to excrete their foul smelling liquid onto each other. As I picked them off the window, about ten to twenty rancid ass-turds would dive bomb for my ankles, biting at my skin, leaving tiny little red pin pricks all over my legs. After collecting all accessible stink bugs, I closed the freezer bag up and threw into the trash can.

With the exception of a few Stink Bugs who found refuge inside our apartment, the war between Human Inhabitants and Stink Bugs appeared to be over...at least I thought it was over...

Over the last two weeks, I began to develop an itchy red rash on my legs, which consisted of several patches of tiny little red pin pricks. The patches only appeared from my knees to my ankles, and I couldn't figure out what the hell was causing it. I thought it was dry skin, so I bought new soap, in-shower moisturizer, and cocoa butter, but found no relief.

After several more days with no relief in sight, Rachel and I headed to bed. I nestled myself under the blankets and was moments away from sleep time, when I felt a strange sensation on my leg. At first, I thought it was Rachel's shoelace on my leg and began to debate the sanity of my fiancée since she wore her sneakers to bed. My internal debate was interrupted when the sensation began to move, and I jolted upright with the realization that something was crawling on my leg. I pulled the covers off and low and behold, a fucking fuck-tart was crawling on my leg. The little fungus had been making my legs a midnight snack for the last two weeks. There was a moment of direct eye contact between the two of us, and I think the little stinky beast even gave me the finger at one point.

Of course, he joined the rest of his fallen comrades, drowning in a whirlpool of toilet water. I seriously hope Raid makes a Stink Bug murdering spray before next fall so that I'm prepared for next years war. In the meantime, I'm going to take Rachel to a psychiatrist to find out why she's been wearing her sneakers to bed. Silly girl.

Aimless Inquisition

Q: How much toilet tissue from the roll should you use each time?
A: As much toilet tissue that you think you should need.

Q: What is behind the green grass door?
A: A very tiny bathroom designed for ants. If the door is closed, then you should not disturb the ant behind the door. They are doing their business.

Q: How many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?
A: Who shingles a dog house with pancakes? If you shingled a dog house with pancakes it would attract birds. Birds enjoy eating pancakes, therefore the birds would eat the pancakes you would use to shingle the house, defeating the purpose of shingling the dog house to begin with.

Q: When drawing names out of a hat, are you supposed to use a baseball cap or a top hat?
A: It depends on the reason as to why you are drawing names from a hat. If you are arranging place settings for a wedding reception then you should use a top hat, but if you are choosing members for a team or game, then you would use a baseball cap.

Q: Does a man-eating shark eat women too?
A: Man-eating sharks only eat men. That is why they are called man-eating sharks. Sharks are sexist creatures and prefer the taste of men to women.

Q: Is James Hennings a snowman?
A: James Hennings was the name of a snowman who was created a very long time ago. He wasn't very popular because he was a snowman and brought no major contributions to society. In fact, he was made by a child who later also made no major contributions to society.

Q: Why is the severity of the itch inversely proportional to the reach?
A: When you have an itch you itch it, however when you can't reach it then it becomes more difficult to itch the scratch, therefore increasing the severity of the itch.

Q: Do ants poop?
A: Ants poop on tiny toilets located behind the green grass door. The only use a small portion of one sheet of paper, since there little ant hands are tiny.

Q: Why do socks always disappear?
A: I guess I should finally confess and apologize for making socks disappear. I enjoy making sock puppets, and when you are not home I like to steal your socks.

Q: What is asdf?
A: Alfredo sauce doesn't float.

Q: Do polar bears drink Coke?
A: Obviously polar bears drink Coke. They do in the advertisements for Coke. Do you think a company would falsely advertise their products?

Q: How do you fry your pants so that you can eat them?
A: First take a skillet or pan and add olive oil to the pan. Set the pan on the stove and turn the burner to medium/high. Allow the oil to become hot and then add the pants. You should make sure you have removed anything from the pockets of the pants first, or the taste of the pants will be tainted by the contents of your pockets.

Q: Would you starve to death if your elbows bend the other way?
A: If your elbows bent the other way then chances are your head would be positioned a different way also. Humans would look a little goofy with their arms and heads facing the other way though, plus it would be difficult to walk in a straight line due to the fact that back of your head would be facing the direction you are working. Chances are, your legs would probably be on the opposite side of your body too.

Q: What would you get if you bred a wookie with a smurf?
A: Actually, wookies and smurfs have bred in recent years, but it depends on which in the relationship is male or female. If the female is a wookie and male a smurf, then the offspring would have blue skin and a tons of facial hair whether they are male or female. On the other hand if the female is a smurf and the male is a wookie, then you will breed a Snookie.

Q: Is it illegal to steal a snowman?
A: It is not illegal to steal a snowman, however it is probably not the wisest choice to make in your life. If you steal a snowman, then you will need a large truck bed to put the snowman into. It would be a lot of work, between lifting the snowman from the ground and into the truck, and chances are you would most likely be caught by someone. It would be much easier to simply destroy the snowman instead of stealing it. An even better idea would be to make your own snowman.

Q: Do spiders fart?
A: Spiders farts are quite stinky. They smell like a combination of old house and raw sausage. It's not a good combination. On a positive note though, spiders do not fart in front of people. Even though they appear to be creepy, they are actually very polite creatures.

Q: If zombies were to attack where is the safest place to hide?
A: The first step in protecting yourself against zombies is to dress like a zombie. Once you have the wardrobe down, start to moan and throw your arms out. As an added bonus, cry for brains. Since zombies are not intelligent, they will believe you are a zombie and will not bother you.

Q: Does a wolf have enough lung capacity to blow down a straw house?
A: Of course wolves have the lung capacity to blow down a straw house. They do a lot of huffing and puffing, but it doesn't take much to blow down a straw house. If the wolf is standing close enough to the straw house, then they could easily blow the house down by exhaling through their nose.