Rancid Garbage and Swamp Ass

When we moved into our apartment, we quickly realized that we were going to have a long and difficult struggle with our neighbor below us, who isn't the most sanitary man. The man is a serious hoarder and slob, leaving garbage all over his apartment. Of course, when you fill your home with garbage it's going to begin to stink. You know where I'm going with this...right?

Minus the rancid apartment, John was a friendly guy who would frequently accompany me during our nightly Tenants Association Meetings in the back of the parking lot. We would joke around about our theories of why Mark disappeared, the Harrison House, and movies. When he said he was moving I was a little disappointed, though I secretly was extremely excited. By John moving out, it meant that my apartment wouldn't smell anymore due to the odors creeping into my place.

A few weeks ago, John and his girlfriend began to move their shit out of their apartment and into their new place. Of course he didn't move everything at once, instead he left a bulk of what can only be described as garbage and his four cats in the apartment while he moved himself in to his new place. John didn't return for almost a week to finally retrieve his cats. Everything else has staid, including the car filled with trash that I complained about a couple of months ago.

John and Amanda have been gone for about three weeks. The apartment has not had electric since they moved, all of the windows are shut tight, and there is trash on the floor that spreads wall to wall. The trash includes everything from McDonald's bags and wrappers to empty water bottles.

Over the last few days, I have noticed an influx of flies in our apartment, which have obviously been traveling from his apartment into ours. Additionally, the nauseating smells of rancid garbage, cat shit, and swamp ass have been traveling through the walls and floor into our apartment. It's fucking horrible.

No matter how much I clean my apartment, I can't get rid of the smell. The smell can only be described as something died in his apartment and the corpse became reanimated, traveled into our apartment, and died a second time.

The final straw came today when I walked into my apartment and smelled cat shit. I checked all the usual places for shit (the tub, behind the toilet, under the bed) and found no shit. As nasty as it sounds, I even shoved my face near each of the three litter boxes, but smelled absolutely nothing. I originally chalked it up as Sasha being Sasha and making her extremely stinky poos, but when Rachel came home an 1.5 hours later, she immediately noticed the smell. As we griped about the smell, she checked the usual places as well the litter boxes, but smelled nothing.

I was going to contact Mark's accountant, who has become the temporary supervisor of the building, but decided to be an adult and write John a message on Facebook telling him that his apartment smelled like soot and poo. It went something like this:

John,

I don't think there is anyway polite to say this, so I'm just going to be extremely blunt. I'm not sure what you have left behind in your apartment, but the smell is extremely nauseating and has permeated my apartment. Additionally, you seem to have amassed a collection of flies that have now found their way to our apartment. Finally, your car out back is full of rats and is beginning to smell. Nobody wants to take the garbage out, out of fear of encountering a creature from your car.

I don't know when you planned on finishing your move, but what has been left behind smells and it needs to be taken care of promptly. Each day, the smell is getting worse and worse, and I will soon have no choice but to contact Philip (Mark's accountant), who is currently managing the building or the Department of Health. Ultimately, if it isn't take care of promptly, I will have no choice to contact these individuals who would be more willing to take care of it and you way wind up facing fines.

We have been friendly in the past and I really don't want to take it to those extremes. However, i can't really stand dealing with the smell, flies, and rats that you have left behind.

Hopefully, he will get the message and clean up his apartment in the next day or so, or else he shall feel my wrath.

Brazilian Wax Part 2

Now that I've been able to get the strange image of the disemboweled medical mannequin covered in rancid fish guts out of my brain, I'm going to take a stab at my original blog post: the Brazilian Wax.

Hopefully, most people understand that a bikini was ix the removal of body hair in and around the pubic region, most commonly done by females (but I'm hoping that some men out there do the same). I'm pretty sure that bikini waxes have become increasingly popular due the decreasing size of women's swim swear. I'm beginning to believe that the world supply of cloth is deteriorating, therefore clothes have to be made with a smaller amount of material. In fact, I'm quite sure that within the next century, clothes will be made out of recycled water bottles, leaves, and the tiny berries found on wild plants.

Of course, many cultures have been removing hair from their nether regions for centuries. In many Middle Eastern societies, removal of the female body hair has been considered proper hygiene, while in Islam, the practice of removing pubic hair is known as Fitrah.

Waxing or shaving of the bikini line may be classified into several basic styles. The three most basic styles are the American waxing, the French waxing, and the Brazilian waxing.

American waxing is the removal of only the public hair that is exposed by a swimsuit, depending on the style of the swimsuit. I assume that this type of style has been dubbed "American" since it seems like the lazy way of keeping your nether region trimmed. French waxing leaves a vertical strip in front and removes all remaining pubic hair. The French wax is also referred to as the landing strip. Brazilian waxing is the most known of bikini waxes and involves the removal of all hair in the pelvic area (front and back) while sometimes leaving a very thin strip of hair. This thin strip of hair is also referred to as the landing strip, though I'm sure much tinier planes would use this form of landing strip. More like the personal jet rather than the bulky passenger planes.

Of course, not every female has to perform pubic maintenance through American, French, and Brazilian waxing. Perhaps you're not into vertical lines, instead preferring horizontal. Then the mustache wax is for you. Everything is removed except for a wide, rectangular patch just above the hood at the top of the genital slit. The mustache wax is sometimes referred to as "Hitler's Mustache" or "Chaplin's Mustache." Of course, you could always have your hair removed in the shape of heart and then dye your pubic hair pink.

You don't have to rush out to the store for a fancy razer kit to shave amazing shapes into your nether regions either. Perhaps you would like to shave a a blue dreidel or green Christmas tree for the holidays into your secret no-no area. Most websites recommend you dye your public hair first, to prevent skin irritation (ladies are quite sensitive down there). Then you can use a sturdy material, such as an index card, card stock, or stencil material to draw your preferred shape of choice. The final step is to shave around the sturdy material.

Brazilian Wax Part 1

Let's face it, my blog is amazing. I think my head just grew a little with that statement. Between my Awkward Wayne Moments and the Emaciated Liverwurst Sandwich I'm surprised that I haven't won a Nobel Peace Prize yet. Perhaps Clark should get working on the paperwork for our discovery of the sixth state of matter so that I can get recognized for something.

Needless to say, I've been running out of crazy things to write about. Though I'm not sure whether it's a lack of ideas or that my creative brain has been going into overdrive. Without even realizing my lack of ideas, Berman suggested a topic that was quite appealing: Brazilian Waxing. I was going to write an entire entry on waxing, and all the creative designs you can wax/shave into your nether regions. During my search though, I came across this photo:

I kid you not. My initial interweb search was for Bikini Wax and this image popped up. 

What...the...fuck...

Now that I have the urge to once again gouge out my eyeballs with the stems from the grapes Rachel is currently eating, I shall take a new stab at this entry tomorrow night. After I recover from what appears to be a medical mannequin covered in rancid fish guts.

Seven Cancelled Television Shows

Alf
Alf was an endearing story about a furry alien from Melmac and his adventures with an Earth family and was a favorite of the 80s. Alf was suddenly canceled after a season ending cliffhanger. Why? To scare small children. The series ended with everyone's favorite space alien being surrounded by soldiers with guns and captured by the government to be experimented on, dissected and turned into a mutated killing machine. Children around the country gasped as Alf was captured and they were left with their imaginations as to what happened. I ams ure a few were in denial and thought the government made Alf a citizen who is now governing the state of California, but everyone else know that his next role was as dead alien #2 on X-Files.

Jon and Kate Plus 8
America watched as Kate Gosselin verbally and sometimes physically, beat her husband into submission, all the while exploiting her eight children in exchange for free passes to various zoos and vacation spots. It seemed everyone had an opinion on Kate's harsh demeanor and felt sorry for poor Jon and the kids. Suddenly, the tabloids started filling with pictures of a not-so-happy couple and it culminated in a public declaration of divorce only a few episodes after the happy couple renewed their vows in Hawaii. Why was this cult classic cancelled? America can only take one douchebag at a time. We could only handle hating Kate, but when we found out Jon was a total piece of crap as well, we could only choke down as much bile as once. On the bright side, Kate came back with her own show practically guaranteeing her and her eight little rug rats 15 more minutes of vomit inducing fame.

Law and Order
After 20 seasons, this progenitor of police dramas was put out to pasture. We watched as they tackled cases ripped from the headlines and episodes of Forensic Files all the while getting to know the emotional trials and tribulations of the detectives and prosecutors. Why was the show cancelled? It's original audience all died of old age. Thankfully, criminals were able to think of thousands of ways to kill people so Law and Order never ran out of ideas, but they were running out of actors. The series had gone through so many cast changes over the years, the only original member was the guy that drove the catering truck. The audience that originally started watching the series in their infancy were now celebrating bowel movements in nursing homes across the country. The series just couldn't bring in new viewers faster than the old ones were dying off.

Fear Factor
As proof that people will do anything for money, Fear Factor pitted contestants against each other in stunts designed to disgust and scare the hell out of them. They were forced to lay down with snakes and bugs, eat bull penis and squid eyes and rummage around rancid fish guts as America watched unable to turn away from this car-crash-like entertainment. Why was the show of icky-nastiness cancelled? A desensitized America. People have been saying for years that violence on television is making us desensitized and the same can be said of eating raw animal testicles. You can only watch people eating various types of penises for so long, before it goes from "ewww" to "eh." In a world where people attend testicles festivals and pay hundreds of dollars for a few ounces of raw fish eggs, this show's shock and awe factor passed faster than the bull penis.

Ghost Whisperer
Jennifer Love Hewitt starred as a small town antique store owner and psychic able to see and hear the dead. She worked to settle their Earthly problems so they could move on to the great beyond all the while defeating the forces of evil. Audiences tuned in to see her cleavage and superior acting talent. Alright, just the cleavage. Why was Jennifer Love Hewitt's Cleavage Power Hour cancelled? Gravity. Poor Jennifer. Gravity has taken a toll on her humongous melons and they're no longer the eye catchers they once were. Pretty soon she'll be hitting them with her knees when she runs and smothering small children during innocent hugs. Without the draw of her boobs and the fact that anything with Jamie Kennedy will suck, Ghost Whisper must find its own way to cross over or live on in perky syndication.

I'm a Celebrity - Get Me Out of Here
A reality television series that dropped a bunch of random "celebrities" in the middle of a jungle in a lame copy of Survivor. With guests like Stephen Baldwin and Heidi Montag, this show was scraping the bottom of the "celebrity" barrel and America watched hoping to see humiliation and a possible mental breakdown. Why was this show cancelled? No one wanted them to get out of there. who really cared that Janice Dickinson was stuck in a jungle? We wanted a show called "You're Annoying Stay in the Jungle, Preferably with a Tiger." If the networks really wanted this show to go on, they would have managed to give Dickinson malaria and have Baldwin attacked by a rabid monkey. I would have sat down with some popcorn, a refreshing drink and tuned in every week.

American Gladiators Old and New
What can be more entertaining than fit, athletic people competing against their gargantuan, athletic ogres in games I could play at summer camp? American Gladiators has had two runs at a series and audiences shriveled for both faster than a pair of gladiator testicles. There haven't been this many bulging veins since half price day at the methadone clinic. Why was this show cancelled? Negative impact on the drug war. There were so many steroids being pumped on that show it fueled the drug trade for years. The government finally had to crack down and stop the show or fear a complete global takeover by Columbian drug cartels.