Showing posts with label John. Show all posts
Showing posts with label John. Show all posts

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

Rancid Garbage and Swamp Ass

When we moved into our apartment, we quickly realized that we were going to have a long and difficult struggle with our neighbor below us, who isn't the most sanitary man. The man is a serious hoarder and slob, leaving garbage all over his apartment. Of course, when you fill your home with garbage it's going to begin to stink. You know where I'm going with this...right?

Minus the rancid apartment, John was a friendly guy who would frequently accompany me during our nightly Tenants Association Meetings in the back of the parking lot. We would joke around about our theories of why Mark disappeared, the Harrison House, and movies. When he said he was moving I was a little disappointed, though I secretly was extremely excited. By John moving out, it meant that my apartment wouldn't smell anymore due to the odors creeping into my place.

A few weeks ago, John and his girlfriend began to move their shit out of their apartment and into their new place. Of course he didn't move everything at once, instead he left a bulk of what can only be described as garbage and his four cats in the apartment while he moved himself in to his new place. John didn't return for almost a week to finally retrieve his cats. Everything else has staid, including the car filled with trash that I complained about a couple of months ago.

John and Amanda have been gone for about three weeks. The apartment has not had electric since they moved, all of the windows are shut tight, and there is trash on the floor that spreads wall to wall. The trash includes everything from McDonald's bags and wrappers to empty water bottles.

Over the last few days, I have noticed an influx of flies in our apartment, which have obviously been traveling from his apartment into ours. Additionally, the nauseating smells of rancid garbage, cat shit, and swamp ass have been traveling through the walls and floor into our apartment. It's fucking horrible.

No matter how much I clean my apartment, I can't get rid of the smell. The smell can only be described as something died in his apartment and the corpse became reanimated, traveled into our apartment, and died a second time.

The final straw came today when I walked into my apartment and smelled cat shit. I checked all the usual places for shit (the tub, behind the toilet, under the bed) and found no shit. As nasty as it sounds, I even shoved my face near each of the three litter boxes, but smelled absolutely nothing. I originally chalked it up as Sasha being Sasha and making her extremely stinky poos, but when Rachel came home an 1.5 hours later, she immediately noticed the smell. As we griped about the smell, she checked the usual places as well the litter boxes, but smelled nothing.

I was going to contact Mark's accountant, who has become the temporary supervisor of the building, but decided to be an adult and write John a message on Facebook telling him that his apartment smelled like soot and poo. It went something like this:
John,
I don't think there is anyway polite to say this, so I'm just going to be extremely blunt. I'm not sure what you have left behind in your apartment, but the smell is extremely nauseating and has permeated my apartment. Additionally, you seem to have amassed a collection of flies that have now found their way to our apartment. Finally, your car out back is full of rats and is beginning to smell. Nobody wants to take the garbage out, out of fear of encountering a creature from your car.
I don't know when you planned on finishing your move, but what has been left behind smells and it needs to be taken care of promptly. Each day, the smell is getting worse and worse, and I will soon have no choice but to contact Philip (Mark's accountant), who is currently managing the building or the Department of Health. Ultimately, if it isn't take care of promptly, I will have no choice to contact these individuals who would be more willing to take care of it and you way wind up facing fines.
We have been friendly in the past and I really don't want to take it to those extremes. However, i can't really stand dealing with the smell, flies, and rats that you have left behind.

Hopefully, he will get the message and clean up his apartment in the next day or so, or else he shall feel my wrath.

Monday, January 10, 2011

Letters

Dear Mark,
Thank you for finally not being cheap and fixing the hot water heater. I have been complaining about this situation for months and you finally decide to fix it without giving anyone a head's up that the job was going to take 36 hours and we would not have any hot water. It would have been nice to have a heads up that our building would be lacking hot water, I would have gladly ventured to Momma Dukes house to take a warm shower. I guess I shouldn't complain too much since I no longer have to clean myself in shifts (wash hair at night, wash body in the morning).

Sincerely,
Somewhat Satisfied Tenant

Dear John,
This isn't so much a thank you letter, more of a Please Clean Your Apartment, It Fucking Stinks note. I'm assuming that you are a hoarder. Why? Exhibit A: the disgusting mess that you call your car that has been sitting in the parking lot since last summer. Your car is filled from floor to ceiling with what can only be described as garbage. I believe there are more empty food containers in your car than any landfill in New Jersey. Since your car looks like three homeless men have made your automobile their new mobile home that doesn't actually travel anywhere, I can only assume that your apartment appears this way.

More importantly, there is Exhibit B: the obnoxious smell that radiates from your apartment into my apartment. I do believe whatever you have going on down there is toxic. I'm pretty confident to say that you may need to start wearing a hazmat suit to enter your apartment.

Please clean up your rat hole. If I can smell your three month old fruit and strange cat odors in my apartment then it's a problem. If you don't clean it up soon, I will have no choice to complain to Mark, and we both know how he feels about you.

Sincerely,
Nauseating Nostrils

Dear Math Department,
It has been fun working with you during the last few years, but the powers that be have decided that my services are no longer needed with the department. I will now be heading to the social studies department to perhaps shape them up. Please do not cry for, I am actually quite excited about this. In fact, I am actually thrilled. The last set of math notes will be sent you within the next two days, and I promise that they will be extremely entertaining.

Sincerely,
Former Math Teacher

Dear Winter,
Please make up your mind. I was under the impression that nasty winters never repeated themselves two years in a row. I enjoyed my snow days last year, but I have not mentally prepared myself for the onslaught of snow this year. In fact, I haven't been able to find a proper snow shovel or a new snow brush this year. If you are going to snow, please don't continuously change your mind. I have finally prepared myself for the snow storm that was supposed to occur on Tuesday, but have recently learned that you will be postponing the snowball fights until Wednesday. Please, make up your mind.

Sincerely,
Anti-Snow Days

Dear Students,
Please understand that this thank you note is actually a Catch-22, which is a term that will probably fly over your tiny little heads. Please start coming to school more often. When all three of you are absent on the same day, I am very productive and extremely bored with myself. I am also tired of writing lesson plans for the day only to have you not show up. While this could be resolved in simply pushing everything back a day, we have the small problem of Gold and Maroon Days. I cannot simply push today's plans to tomorrow since I don't see you as much on Gold Days. Instead, you will probably receive extra homework assignments tomorrow. I would apologize, but you brought this on yourself.

Sincerely,
Teacher

Dear Sasha,
We love that you like to spend time in the bathroom and I think it quite adorable that you want to stick your whole head underneath the faucet to get a drink of water. However, it isn't really nice to poop in the bath tub. I'm not sure where you got the idea that pooping in the tub was a good idea. It just makes your humans pissed off at you. As a result, you have been locked out of the bathroom until further notice.

Sincerely,
Human