Voldemort Tweets

A few months ago, I came across a list of Gary Busey Tweets from his Twitter account that made me want to soil my pants with laughter. It actually made me laugh so hard that I found myself suckered into starting a Twitter account with the sole purpose of following a half dozen random accounts for a quick pick me up after a long day. My recent favorite, has been Lord Voldemort. I know what your thinking, isn't he a fictional character? Apparently not, seeing that he has his own Twitter account and since it's on the internet, it has to be real. Right? The following is a list of some of his recent Tweets.

• Almost Valentine's day. Don't worry if you've been dumped, there are plenty of fish in the sea. Just kidding, the oil spill killed them all.
• "You can't judge a book by it's cover." What? Yes, you can. Isn't that the point? Judge it, and if it says 'Twilight' judge the reader too.
• Punxsutawney Phil is apparently a weather-predicting groundhog that says Spring is coming. Yet people don't believe in magic? WTF?
• People need to stop talking about "Edward Cullen" & start referring to him by his proper name: Sparkly Cedric.
• There is always a calm before the storm. So, that's when you should steal stuff. Then escape while everyone is  distracted by the storm.
• Why is contributing called "putting your two cents in." What you're adding is only worth two cents? You're useless. Shut up and go away.
• Yes, Helena Bonham Carter's wearing different colored shoes on the red carpet. You know why? Because evil does whatever the hell it wants.
• Yes, it's 1/11/11 or 11/1/11. Today is a new day to get things right. I have no doubt that everyone will manage to fuck it up though.
• Whose dumb-ass idea was it to let people drive cars? "Hey, here's an idea, let's put idiots in control of giant, speeding, metal boxes!"
• Bridges burned, lesson learned. What was the lesson? Burning shit is fucking fantastic.
• If you ever feel powerless remember you can take control of any situation. Just make everyone around you feel awkward. Instant power.
• Turns out Mondays in 2011 are the same as Mondays in 2010...they suck.
• There are pictures of Bieber groping Selena Gomez on a boat. Goodbye Cruciatus Curse. I just found a new way to cause physical pain!!
• "Even a broken clock is right twice a day." Yeah, and it's fucking useless the rest of the day.
• Natalie Portman is pregnant. Quick! Put the Darth Vader theme music in tweet form! Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dun Dunnnn!
• If someone tells you that "absence makes the heart grow fonder" it really means you suck & nobody likes having to actually be around you.
• The US & Europe are being battered with snow & rain. Do you see what happens when you pretend Santa's more important than me. DO YOU SEE?!?
• I wish Death Eaters would stop accidentally touching their dark marks in the shower. This is starting to get awkward...
• It's Ralph Fiennes' birthday. There's something about him I really like. I can't quite figure out what it is...
• Everyone should set realistic New Year's goals. For example, my resolution is to continue being witty & devastating good-looking. Done.

Gary Busey Tweets

While I was going through my normal internet routine (email, Facebook, Eat Liver, Facebook, Failbook), I came across a link to a list of the Top 50 Gary Busey Tweets. While I have no interest in using Twitter on a daily basis, I am very, very tempted to start a Twitter to follow Busey. The man is hilarious! He doesn't even need to say anything and I want to laugh due to that strange mouth and the bizarre way he looks like my Uncle Bruce (sorry Kelly). 

I was going to simply repost the website, but it was a little inappropriate for even my standards (most of the adds were for porn). 

• Butting heads at the office is bad and even worst is an orgy.
• I'd like to thank the creator of Hamburger Helper. Who had the balls to decide the already tasty hamburger needed help.
• Don't worry, ladies. Being sexually attracted to me is just as natural as pooping and is just as gross.
• Watching tennis is so boring it makes my brain shit in my mouth. No wonder "Wimbledon" has the same  letters as "Mind Bowel."
• If you don't laugh at my tweets, then you're probably dead. Or at least that's what I hope
• Hey, if the cops ask you, I was on Twitter all night. OK?
• Thanks to all the birthday wishes but, if you really want to wish me a Happy Birthday, you'd send me hookers with pre-dug graves.
• I should've played the kid from Toy Story 'cause I play with my Woody when I have a Buzz.
• Andy Roddick = Tennis Player. Randy Rawdick = Best porn name ever.
• Midget pornos are just short stories with little production value.
• The true pregnancy test is wire hanger survival.
• Technically, ears can be "Love Handles" too.
• I always beat Edward Scissorhands in paper-rock-scissors.
• To get the part of Buddy Holly, I crashed a plane. Easiest audition ever.
• If you need to shorten your words just to fit them all in one tweet, maybe you need to shut the fuck up a little bit.
• Spread the word...I put the "pamper" in "pap smear."
• When you rearrange the letters in "Mother-in-Law" you get "Woman Hitler"
• I like to think that somewhere, in an alternate universe, there's a man named Bary Gusey who keeps live hookers in his crawlspace.
• Sometimes, I just wish I was made up of 5 midgets, like a human Voltron.
• If I was a MMA fighter, I'd go by Gary "Prison Sex" Busey and I'd hit the Octogon wearing a Tapdatassou Tshirt
• Happy Father's Day to the true fuckers of Mothers. Without them, there would be no MILFs.
• If the "A" in A-Team stands for "Analbead," then it's kinda of a Toy Story too...
• The real winner of the Celtics vs. Lakers is the concession stand that's closest to Khloe Kardashian.
• I auditioned for next season's "Dancing With the Stars" but I guess my pussy poppin' didn't win over the judges.
• I don't want to sound like a hypochondriac but...I think I just got my period
• If crying was good exercise, there'd be far fewer fat chicks.
• That new Karate Kid movie with Jaden Smith should've been called "The TaekwonBro."
• The thing about "Your Mother" jokes is that they're lame and used up...just like your Mother.
• I'm not a stalker, I'm just bad with goodbyes
• Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice and I'll shit inside your mailbox.
• If laughter is the best medicine, they why do hookers still have chlamydia after laughing at the size of my penis?
• The day SafeAuto's Justin Chase fucks Progressive's Flo is going to be the last day on the Mayan Calender in 2012.
• I'm pretty sure that Lady Gaga is JonBenet Ramsey in disguise.
• Rasheed Wallace still smokes more green than he wears.
• Wonder why the Kardashians are famous? It's because their Dad, Robert Kardashian, helped OJ Simpson get away with murder.
• I'm willing to bet that queefs would be more socially acceptable if they were auto-tuned.
• I bet BP will feel like a bunch of asses when they find out they could've just hired the Mario Bros. to fix the pipes under water.
• My advice to strippers: Don't stop, get it, get it. Get that payment for your Civic.